Eldercare: Emotions & Changes in a Parent's Health Click image for Podcast Page & Listen. Wendy Sloneker: Hey! Welcome back to the Heart Healing From Loss Podcast. I'm Wendy Sloneker, and I have Trish Throop of Eldercare Consulting, LLC right here digitally. So safe with me. We are more than six feet apart, but it feels like we are much closer thanks to audio technology. And I feel close to you guys too, out in the audience. Thank you for spending your time with us. Okay. So tonight is a little bit of a, a new topic. I haven't really talked a lot in this podcast in other episodes about ... wow! Parents! When they start to do what parents do, which is age and Trish, you've been working around people's parents, but you started with your own parent. Could you tell us a little bit about that? ... And by the way, welcome! Trish Throop:
Thank you, Wendy. It's so good to be here. Yeah, this is a big topic that a lot of families jumping into and really aren't prepared for. And that's exactly what happened to me. At the time I was a vice president of a major organization. I was traveling around 12 different states. And so I was rarely in Seattle and I got a call. I got the dreaded call, so to speak from my mother saying, Trish, I'm done here in Ohio. I think I need to move into assisted living. And I don't want to do it here. I want to come to Seattle and I'm thinking I'll be there within a month. Oh my gosh. My jaw dropped to the floor. It was, I was thrilled to have her here. We'd been asking her to come for years, but all of a sudden I realized there was a ton of work to be done. And I didn't even know where to begin. I didn't know the questions to ask. I just could figure out, okay. She was going to move to Seattle. She would need housing. She would need doctors. She would need assistance. And I had no clue what that meant. Wendy: Right. And this was back in when was this? Like 11 years ago? 12 years ago. Trish: Yes, exactly. It was about 12 years ago and I knew that I didn't have the time. As I said, I was traveling, working at a very high level and I started looking around for someone to help me. Cause I thought, oh, I can't be the first person to go through this. Right. But I couldn't find anyone. And so I was stuck doing all this work on airplanes and trying to figure things out, how to move her, how to, you know, how do you move a household of things to Seattle from Ohio? All these things started coming up and I just had to make time for it. And I, I learned along the way, but I also, you know, made huge errors as one does when you don't have anyone to help guide you. And I thought there's gotta be a better way. And so I stopped my job and with the nonprofit started taking classes, started talking to people and before you know it, I was setting up my own business realizing after realizing how much I enjoyed what I was doing. Uh, gosh, Wendy: That's like, that's kind of how you like would love for it to go. Is like I made some mistakes along the way. And we figured it out and now like, wow, I really like doing this. Like, that's a lovely epiphany to have if he can have it. Trish: Absolutely. It was fun. You know, when I looked back, I thought, oh my gosh, what am I doing? But I'm crazy. I'm crazy. I shouldn't be doing all this, but you know, I will never regret the time that I got to spend with my mother and the lessons I learned along the way were invaluable. And I still refer back to those days when working with clients now, it's like, oh yeah, I had to do that with my mom kind of things. Wendy: Right. So was it helpful that like the call came from your mom? Cause I'm guessing that some calls don't come from those parents, like some calls will come from like a sibling or something saying, Hey, you know, dad fell again and, or, you know, he's in the hospital, it's a hip thing or it's a, you know, like you had states to traverse across. Trish: But that's pretty minor when you exactly, as you're saying, so very often the call comes from the hospital, we've got your mom, your units. Right, right. And you're like, oh, and you have days. If you're lucky to get things in place and you know, are you hopping on an airplane? Are you, you know, driving Wendy: Across town five times a week now, are you, yeah, my mom took care of my, her dad for a long time. And it was like, if he wanted a haircut, she was like driving 30 minutes and packing in the grocery store and doing a couple of other errands just because she was, you know, 30 minutes away on a good day. Yeah. So, right. So like, if we go back to that call from your mom, like, did you have any feelings around like, oh, she's aging? Or when did that sort of time hit you that like, oh wow, mom's getting older. And like, I'm starting to really see it and feel it now. Cause that's something that nobody wants to do. But I imagine that that happened. Trish: That's a great question. A couple of years prior to the phone call, we started talking about she was living in her own home and you know, we realized that she wasn't maybe driving as well as we had thought that she might be "was she eating appropriately?" Her friends weren't able to drive. And so she wasn't out getting social interaction as, and my mother was, uh, a huge socialites socializing person. She thrived on being around other people. And we started getting worried about that. And nobody lived in Ohio. We lived in three different states across the country. And so we didn't have eyes on her. Right. So we had lots of conversations. She refused at every step, which believe me is very common. I'm sure a lot of your listeners know that. And so it was about working with her on a slow and steady process of trying to get her to admit the challenges she was facing. And that's never Wendy: Come to that herself. Trish: Yeah. We were very lucky, very lucky. Very few older adults will come and say, Hey, I don't think I can drive anymore. Or I think I should not be living in a home my own home anymore. That is incredibly rare. Right. People want to stay at home. They, they want their independence taking the car away is probably the worst thing in the world to Wendy: Them. Is that what you've really noticed is like, right. Well, it's like an admission in some ways of like, oh yeah, my eyes, my brain, my limbs and response time. That's hard. Trish: I wish it was that usually it's much more about the, uh, the police have called their spin an accident. There are scratches and dents in the car, uh, neighbors have called and said, Hey, we don't think that Ethel should be out on the road anymore. Yeah. Very, very few adults will admit, get to that, get to that point where they admit it themselves. Wendy: Right. Oh, that's gotta be hard for like kids to sort of take in because that's also a social pressure as well. Right. Like, oh, somebody is calling me about my mom and or my dad or my whoever like, oh, like somebody else's noticing I'm not there. Sometimes that can be really painful and a pressure around like, shoot, what else is going on? Trish: No, that's absolutely true, Wendy, is that there's that? Oh gosh. Did I not have my eyes on the ball? Uh, did I not see what, you know, when I was visiting, was I not paying attention to what they were eating, how they were driving all of these things of guilt. And I'll tell you that there's a myriad of feelings that pop up throughout this process. And it's very natural, but it's scary as all get out. Wendy: Wow. I would love to talk a little bit more about what those feelings are just to like give everyone who's listening just a little bit of a heads up at like, Hey, normal and natural, which is something we talk about in grief anyway. But in terms of like parents and dynamics with parents are like different for everyone, right? So like that's a whole other thing to consider, but I'd love to hear about some of the the feelings that go on as, as things progress. So if you have like a hypothetical story or two I'd love to hear. Trish: Yes. I would say that any feeling coming up during this is completely natural. Yes. I have a million stories, uh, because I think we have to remember that not everybody grew up in the Brady bunch. This was not everybody had this perfect functional family in reality. Most of us did not. And I've had everything from the, the doting, loving, caring, uh, siblings who are all gathered together to do the best for mom and or dad or the aunt or the cousin. But I've also had the son that got the phone call from his sisters, who said, we're done, we're done caring for mom. It's your turn. And he had no interest in caring for his mother. He called me and said, I'll pay the bills. I just never want to speak to, or see her again. You know, and you have to validate that, that not everybody had a good childhood. And I was impressed that he was willing to do the I'll pay for it. I'll make sure that she's safe. But, uh, he was not interested in having any relationship with her. Right. So I stepped in and took care of all the logistics and the details for her, but he didn't have to, he was still dealing with a lot of its own trauma and I wanted give him the space to do that. Wendy: Right. Right. Well, and that's like, nice in terms of like, just being clear about what the need is and what the boundary is too, because that's what that sounds like is like, Hey, here's where I am. And like, this is probably where I'm staying is like, that's just more than reasonable because it's so clear. Trish: Right. And it's not always that clear for most people. You know, the boundary issue is a very real one. I see a lot of ho you know, adult children, family members, who all of a sudden, they find themselves deep within caring for this other adult. And it wasn't something they planned. They've got a full family, they've got a job, they've got their own lives to lead. And the boundaries have just been pushed aside completely. And a lot of times I get phone calls from adult children who are calling and I just stop. And I say, oh my gosh, you've done so much. We need to help you step back a little bit. And they just break down, completely break down because they're at their wits end. And that's so normal that we just keep trying to go and go and go and go and do everything that's needed. But there's a breaking point. Wendy: And this is hard work like caregiving, even in just the planning and the logistics and the setup, like there's the emotional side, but like the parents may or may not be down with, or agreeable amenable to this change. It could be that, you know, dynamics between some siblings are great with one parent and not within, you know, like it's, it's the gamut. And so what I'm here to say is like, caregiving is hard and essential and, and like, we're not really prepared how to do it other than, oh, shoot. Uh, I didn't see this coming. Although, you know, everybody around me in the world has, you know, there are old people in the world, there are people who are aging in the world. That's probably one of them. Trish: We would never say... Wendy: No, you're absolutely to like, have it be, yeah, Trish: The caregiving is overwhelming, uh, can be overwhelming. I think it's just a basic that adult children are just overwhelmed with everything that is going on. So yes, caregiving is overwhelming as it is for just the basics of adult children, dealing with these issues, something you mentioned about, you know, just the, of caregiving and all that. It's also expensive. It's expensive in time, energy knowledge, but also finances and not all families have those finances to bring in caregivers, somebody to give them a break, to relieve them of some of those duties. Respite. Yeah. And that's important for sure. Wendy: Thank you so much for mentioning the other currencies of value, which is like, you know, this is the blood, sweat, and tears part of, of what that job entails, especially for someone that you, you know, is in your family. You know, whether or not you have a smoother and easy dynamic, that is a challenge, then it's just a challenge. And there, the cost is more than financial. So thank you so much for saying, Trish: Yeah. I also talked to my adult children about those boundaries that we referred to earlier of what I really would love to do is be able to take their, to do list their tasks off their list, take them on myself so that I can do the logistics. I can do the details, but nobody else can be that loving, caring daughter, son, cousin, uncle only. They can do that. And if they are totally taken over by all the logistics, the anger, the, the fears, the concerns, there's no room for them to come over and say, Hey, dad, tell me about the time, you know, and have those things. And the older adults absolutely need that component. And I can try that, but it's never going to have the same effect as those adult family members. Right. Wendy: Right. It's a bigger impact. There's more meaning there. Right. Right. So if I'm hearing you correctly, like caregiving is like the, kind of the unspoken job that is often assumed by some adult children. And then there's no room for them to be the, the adult child, right. Like the son, the daughter, the, you know, stepdaughter or whatever. But those are different roles. Those are different roles. Trish: Right. Right. I think you were asking about some of the other feelings and we've talked about being overwhelmed and, you know, that's kind of the go-to, but we're also seeing so much of fear and concern. I want to do the best for my parent. But I also have fear of losing my parent. You know, maybe they're, they're really ill and I'm afraid of their death, uh, rejection, a lot people, you know, if I tell dad that he can't drive anymore, he's not going to speak to me again. You know, I don't want to make them angry. I don't want to make other people in the family angry. What if I make a wrong decision? I don't want to be the bad guy. You know, I don't want to be the one to tell dad that he can't drive. I don't want to tell mom that she has to move uni. Right. And usually hard. Yeah. It's really hard. And usually what happens is, as you well know, if you have that fear and that concern pretty quickly, it turns into anger. They start resenting. Wendy: My, yeah. My fuse gets real short. Yeah. When like, stuff like that happens when I'm concerned or worried and fearful about any. I mean, we, we lived through 20, 20 so far, so I've had some practice, but, but that's like natural. Like that's like the steam release part of that pressure system that gets built up and built up and built up. Trish: Not only do they get there, they're angry because of all of that. But they also are angry at other siblings. Why didn't they do something? Why aren't they stepping up? Why do I have to do all of this? You know, I'm here just because I live nearby. Why do I have to do everything? And why can't George help out financially? Or why can't they say, thank you every once in a while. There's a lot of that, but also angry at the parent anger at the parent that why didn't they listen to my, my warnings earlier? You know, I told them, I told them they were going to have to move. You know, I said that they, oh, I begged dad to go and fill out the will or do the power of attorney. And they just went and listened to me. You know, all these kinds of things that anger just starts popping up all over the place. Wendy: Right. Well, and that has to do with so many other feelings too. Right. So if it's like, if there, if that adult child is seeing things coming and they're saying it out loud, then they're, it's like, oh, they're not being heard. So that could be like a loss of voice, a loss of respect. They are not hearing me. They don't, I understand that they don't want to hear me, but that's my brain. That's not my heart. Right. So like losses are happening all along the way. And then there's like, now we're in this big mess. And I saw it coming. I did what I could do about saying something, but they couldn't hear me. That's painful. That's very painful. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Because, oh, right. It's already hard. It's already hard shoot. So I love to hear just a few suggestions or ideas. It could be based on stories that you've had. Again, these are all normal feelings that are coming up. We don't know how to do this. We don't know how to do this. So could you give some ideas or suggestions around like, Hey, if your parents are aging or you're starting to notice or be concerned, what, what can our listeners do or recommend to their friends and family? Trish: Excellent question. And yeah, I go through this a lot with my, just as my clients are coming on board. There's several things that I check in on some of the first things I would recommend any person that is anticipating having to deal with someone else's health or, you know, care in the future, get them in front of a lawyer, get them in front of a lawyer to fill out some very basic information. There are three documents that I focus on a power of attorney. So that's, so you can help with their finances and their healthcare decisions. Then something called a healthcare directive, which is kind of like a living will. And it says things like, oh, I want to be resuscitated. I want to have intravenous food, things like that, those details. And then the last one is a will or a trust depending on your situation. And what I try to tell everybody I talked to is that these are not related to age. We all, anybody over the age of 18 should have these three documents in place. Lawyers are great. They usually do all three documents for one flat fee. You can go online and download these documents if you want. I personally always like to go through a lawyer, but everybody is different and finances are different, but get these in place as quickly as possible. And they can always be changed. They can always be updated, but get a baseline in. Wendy: Good. Oh, excellent. I gotta tell you when when Jennifer and I did ours, uh, our, our three documents, it felt liberating. It, there was like a, like a pressure. I didn't know I had around this stuff, like, oh, I actually know what the plan is. You're such an adult. Wow. Thanks. But there's like, I wasn't expecting, I think the field liberated and I enjoyed that feeling. Yeah. Trish: Yeah. And just a quick aside, we ask that everybody update those every 10 years. I tried to do it on my zero birthdays, 40 50 when I hit 60, just kind of to get those things updated. Wendy: Oh, that's a great point. Thank you. Awesome. What else, what else do you check in around? Trish: I think this is a great time to also check in with your siblings. If there are siblings or other family members share family members, but it could also be just other stakeholders. You know, it could be partners of the alien or presumed alien parent, cousin, whatever. Uh, it could be close friends that live around them, get their insight and agree that you all try to work together. Wendy: Ooh. Yeah, yeah. The baseline. Trish: Right. Just so that you won't be in that situation alone. Also talk about it with your own family. If you have a spouse or partner kids talk about what will happen when granddad isn't doing so well. Right. You know, are we thinking about moving them into the house? Are we, you know, what if he moves lives somewhere else? Where are we, how are we going to do that? Start having those conversations amongst each other, as well as with the older adult so that you start understanding their preferences. And they started understanding that you're concerned Wendy: Without it being a confrontation, right. More of a conversation. Trish: It's so much easier to do it now, rather than in the house. Wendy: Oh gosh. Yeah. That's a lot of other painful things going on and scary, Trish: So scary. So having those conversations ahead of time, as much as possible, and you know, I'm sure you've got things and there's tons of things on the internet and I can provide, you know, starting points of how to start those conversations. Right. So that you're not just like, oh gosh, which 1:00 AM I going to? Y'all know, what am I going to say? Talk to your parent and starting to take on that role of a parent, right. To your parents. Right. Wendy: Oh my gosh. Yeah. Do you find it like helpful to ask other people who have been through, like, can you find a friend who's been through this with their parent can like, are there podcasts or resources, just so like, Hey, I'm okay with like making my own mistakes, but if I don't have to, and it doesn't like, come at my mom's expense or my dad's expense, like I, I would like to just preserve as much Trish: And you know, no matter what help you get, you're still gonna make mistakes. And that's okay. You know, every situation is different. There's new challenges pop up every day. But yes, if you have somebody, a friend that you can at least call and say, oh my gosh, they're driving me crazy. You know? Or what did you do in this situation? A lot of places, there are a lot of resources I should say that have support groups for adult children to come and talk about these things. Uh, there are professionals like myself that can help guide you. Uh, there are books about how to deal a lot dealing with if your parent has dementia, because that's such a unique situation for every family. But yeah. Trying to find that support where you can getting those answers where you can, and at some point you just have to kind of trust that you're doing the best you can. Wendy: Right. Right. That's the whole point is doing the best we can. Aren't we all trying that? Yeah. Trish: I'd love to think that. Wendy: For sure. Yeah. For sure. What am I forgetting to ask you about that you are, let's just popping into your mind? Trish: Probably just something, if you don't think mom and dad or whoever are needing your help yet next time you visit, I would check in with the neighbors. Okay. Hey, I'm just going to go over and speak to Mrs. Wigglebottom. Uh, because all of a sudden you find out that they've been the ones taking the trash in and out every week. They're the ones that mom calls and says, Hey, I can't get this jar open. Or, uh, George fell, can you help me pick them up? Uh, all, all of us, you know, walk around the car, see if there are a dance. These are things that I encourage people just start looking. You might not find anything. And gosh, I hope you don't, but should you, then your eyes are a little more awake, Wendy: Right? And if you do go over to like say a neighbor's house and you don't know them, is it like maybe helpful to offer your contact information? Trish: Absolutely. Yes. Got a business card, drop it off, you know, bring over a box of chocolates or some flowers or something and just say, Hey, I I'm visiting from out of town. And I'm just checking in. I just thought if you ever thought that I needed to know something here, feel free to give me a call. Plus you want their information for the day that mom doesn't answer the phone and it's been 48 hours. You want to be able to calm this wiggle bottom and say, Hey, have you seen my mom? Can you pop over and knock on the door? That type of thing. Wendy: Right. Plus you just want to say hi, Mrs. Weipa bottom. Yeah. Like just for fun, just for fun. Just to say the name out loud. Oh Trish. Thank you so much, Trish with elder care consulting, LLC. Thank you. I, I know there's way more for us to talk about. Will you come back for another episode with Trish: Me? I did delight and thank you so much, Wendy. This has been so wonderful. I'm so, Wendy: So glad I'm going to include your website information in the show notes. And so it's, uh, what is your website? Just out loud for the folks who are listening? Trish: Yeah. Eldercarenorthwest.com. Of course I'm based here in Seattle, but I actually work with families all across the country. So feel free to give a call. Wendy: Trish! Such a total delight. Thank you so much for helping me and helping us. Really. I appreciate your time here. Trish: So thank you. Well, thank you for all you do for everybody out there. Wendy: Thank you. Thank you. And speaking of everybody out there, thank you for joining us, such a treat. We are going to see you on the next episode. I don't know what it's going to be about, but it's going to be good. Thank you. And talk to you soon. Comments are closed.
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