Every surrender is different.
And each one,
whether or not we consciously signed up for it,
takes us somewhere different.
There is hope for where we want to go.
And no guarantee.
This is what feels like risk.
I don't 100% know who I will be. This uncertainty can feel threatening to the part of my human brain that counts familiarity as "safety" or "security".
Personally, in a new surrender or change, I get into indignation when I don't know where I'm at or get scared in the process... Or when it feels like I'm in the Groundhog's Day movie (every day the effing saaaaame, 'cept no donuts)...
That's where I'm at right now.
Me and other surrenders - or making rooms, or changes - go back a bit.
But each one is different... Credits don't transfer, folks.
I've never been here before.
So a new surrender has been coming on... since at least November of last year or earlier... this doesn't necessarily need to be a 12-step surrender... this one right now isn't, but it is a choice for change...
Because I want to experience something different.
SomeONE different... Specifically, me.
New experiences or results require new actions.
Part of what's required is that I make room... for that new form, version, whoever... of me.
Know how I know it's working?
Indignation is here.
Annoyance is here.
Fear? Yep, it's here.
Me looking back on what I've been up to in my personal journey since last year and finding doubt, uncertainty, fear...
And irritation that more results haven't fallen in my lap?
Yep, this is right on time.
My brain offering thoughts of:
-- Maybe this is too hard for you
-- Pretty sure you can't do it
-- Let's get a minimum wage job
-- You've been doing it wrong, let's give up now
And me, in my relationship with tenacity (sometimes known as stubbornness)...
and also having the benefits and evidence on the other side of a few other surrenders...
I, with my fear in my throat,
share quietly with my own dear self...
that we aren't going that way.
We aren't going back.
Evolution of every kind requires expansion... it's not found in contraction, or going back... even though that seems familiar and comfortable... it's still not what we/I want. What I want to experience is not "back there".
Nope. We aren't giving up.
The self-doubts and fear-based "offers"...?
Those used to be reasons to quit, fall back, pivot in a totally new direction, or even seek a new career.
But nothing's actually wrong... I'm in a place where there's some fear... and loss... these are actually working FOR me.
These feelings are here for me.
Not necessarily to challenge me... but to show me where my work is.
It's annoying. It's painful.
It's real. For me. In this moment.
I'll take the real.
Nothing is wrong with annoying or painful... Nothing's actually *happened* other than I'm feeling fear.
So, what do I DO with it?
I bring it to my own supports that are in place. Supports I've invested time, money, and heart with.
My supports include real people (individuals and groups), and Divine Nature... and we work with thoughts and feelings as evidence of progress.
Chances are good that some more rest is a good idea.
This annoyance, pain, irritation, indignation, and fear...?
These are right on time.
And, also irritatingly, they turn out to be some of my most profitable, most beneficial feelings in the long run... These feelings, painful and discombobulating as they are, are now reasons for me to keep going… and evidence that I’m going in the right direction…
Not reasons to quit.
I work with people who aren't going back and who want new support in moving forward. Connect with me and lock in your own transformation.
When a big feeling comes on, grief or something else, it can take a little bit of time for some of us (me included) to tune in and know what it even IS that we’re feeling.
It’s another process entirely to be able to explain or articulate it.
Blow it out
I’d like to offer a big ol’ exhale on the notion that it’s somehow urgent to know exactly how you feel and be able to communicate your feelings at any given moment. Not everyone does. Even & especially during painful seasons.
Getting and staying quiet and allowing for time, space, and feelings in that calm is a J.O.B…. and I’d also offer it is an act of radical self care.
They don’t know
Well-meaning people may be interested and may ask about how you’re doing today, or this week. And, as kind-hearted as they are intending, inquiries can feel badger-y and insistent, and then tiresome.
I’m here to share that they don’t know, and can’t possibly know what you’re going through. Some may be able to better empathize than others.
You don’t always have to know.
And you don’t always have to share either.
I definitely don’t.
If you don’t have the words, or you don’t know how you feel in one specific moment… this is 100% natural and human. It could be that you’re trying to know or understand… or wanting to… is enough work in itself.
It’s not stupid, or defective, or anything negative. This “feelings stuff” isn’t encouraged, taught, or supported… so it’s not only possible, but it’s damn near probable that there will be some moments, especially when things are tough, when you’re just not gonna have the words.
A gentle option
Being with yourself to soothe, comfort, nurture, and normalize this temporary condition is a path that is open to you.
After all, isn't it already hard enough?
⭐ Special Announcement⭐
Heart Healing from Loss… it’s gonna be a book!
I have a book coming out October-ish of 2023! Stay tuned.
And please follow my Author Page on Amazon if you haven’t already… yep, audiobook will be in production after the Kindle and paperback versions get finished & published.