Episode 67: “Grief Is Everywhere In Weight Loss”
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“Wait,” you say. “Surely healthy, successful weight loss is a cause for celebration, not grief?”
Getting healthier is always a cause for celebration, but as No BS Weightloss founder Corinne Crabtree tells us, “Grief is everywhere in weight loss.” Friendships and relationships can change, even disappear, when one person in the relationship loses weight. Those who lose weight may suffer a totally unexpected change in identity, they may grieve the weight that protected them, they may mourn the loss of foods that provided comfort or some sort of emotional connection (grandma’s oatmeal-raisin cookies, anyone?) |
Wendy talks with weight loss coach Corinne Crabtree about how something as life changing as weight loss can cause feelings of grief.
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Weight Loss is an Emotional Journey
Corinne knows that weight loss involves so much more than increasing exercise and changing eating habits — there’s an emotional journey to “choose who the next version of you is.”
Will you keep choosing the same person over and over, even if you’re not feeling right in that body and mind? Or will you choose a version of you that feels closer to a goal?
And what losses do those choices bring with them?
Emotional Changes and Blockades
In this episode, Grief Coach and Specialist Wendy Sloneker talks with Corinne Crabtree about the emotional changes (and blockades) we go through (or don’t) when we’re working to choose that different version of ourselves.
After losing 100 pounds to be a healthier mom and end the obesity gene, Corinne Crabtree embarked on a mission to help others be healthier as well. She’s helped thousands shed unhealthy pounds and keep them off through her No BS WeightLoss Program. Find her FREE COURSE here: www.nobsweightloss.com… that’s the best place to start. Then deffo subscribe & listen to her podcast as well.
You are Invited:
If you’re ready to get help managing changing and challenging emotions around grief and loss, sign up for a free Connection Call with Wendy at www.wendysloneker.com.
Corinne knows that weight loss involves so much more than increasing exercise and changing eating habits — there’s an emotional journey to “choose who the next version of you is.”
Will you keep choosing the same person over and over, even if you’re not feeling right in that body and mind? Or will you choose a version of you that feels closer to a goal?
And what losses do those choices bring with them?
Emotional Changes and Blockades
In this episode, Grief Coach and Specialist Wendy Sloneker talks with Corinne Crabtree about the emotional changes (and blockades) we go through (or don’t) when we’re working to choose that different version of ourselves.
After losing 100 pounds to be a healthier mom and end the obesity gene, Corinne Crabtree embarked on a mission to help others be healthier as well. She’s helped thousands shed unhealthy pounds and keep them off through her No BS WeightLoss Program. Find her FREE COURSE here: www.nobsweightloss.com… that’s the best place to start. Then deffo subscribe & listen to her podcast as well.
You are Invited:
If you’re ready to get help managing changing and challenging emotions around grief and loss, sign up for a free Connection Call with Wendy at www.wendysloneker.com.
As seen on: |
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
For those of you who are brand new to Corinne Crabtree, I'm so excited for you. Corinne is actually one of my coaches and she is a master certified weight loss coach. I love and adore how she works, what she shares, what she teaches and how real she is. Yeah, I'm really excited for you to hear this podcast and Okay, here we go.
Corinne Crabtree
This is Corinne Crabtree, and you are listening to the heart healing from loss podcast. This is episode 67.
Wendy
Welcome to the microphone, Corinne Crabtree. And this is Wendy Sloneker. Your host Hello. I'm delighted to bring this magical person on to the airwaves with you. Now she's already on her own airwaves like rocking it hard and steady at any given moment. And if you have not heard of Corinne Crabtree, I'm delighted to introduce her to you as my coach, one of my coaches. Now I met Corinne about four minutes ago. And part of the magic here is in the realness. So Corinne, sincere welcome, and thank you for joining us here.
Corinne
Well, thank you for having me. I'm excited to talk about today's topic, I have been on a lot of podcasts and that I don't usually get to talk about grief that much. So this is this is a it's a timely topic too. Because as we were talking before, you know, my membership, my weight loss membership has got over 13,000 people in, we've had an experience. Like we've had members die, like I've never had that happen until the last few years. So that's been different for us. And then just navigating our members who are experiencing such loss and being able to help them through those periods. You know, it's newer to our business. And I've been around for 15 years, but the first 10 We never even had to deal with it. Like there was no one. I mean, it literally was like either, no one was losing people, we were all too young to be really losing people. So it's a beautiful topic, because many people need help with it.
Wendy
It's so true. And like part of that too, I'm guessing is like as you're growing your business. And as people we're starting to get more not educated but informed about what constitutes grief and loss because it's not just death, like that loss and change all along the way can bring about feelings of heaviness or uncertainty or, yeah, heartbreak. So normalizing that and experiencing that as a growing business that must have been just hailed.
Corinne
It is it's um, you know, I remember I remember the first time one of our members lost someone significant. I was, this was just a few years ago I was in I was in Las Vegas, it's probably around 2017. Maybe I got a text. This was back when we were small enough to where almost every member of my membership had my personal phone number. Wow. I know it's like, you know, we don't do that. But it's never out. I'll tell you never surprises me. I get random texts all the time. And I'm like, Who is this? And like, because I'm terrible about adding to my contacts. I have to scroll through like conversations. I'm like, Oh my gosh, that's like so and so who's been a member since 2008. You know, we're headed my number out like it was Pez candy all the time.
I got a text from her. And her husband suddenly died. He was 52. Like, he was playing golf and had a heart attack. And she texted me this was that night. And I was one of the or that afternoon I was one of her first texts, where she was just like, I don't know what to do. Greg died. I was like, what, like, I mean, I didn't even know how to respond. Yeah, you know, it was shocking. But yeah, we experienced a lot of loss just in humans. And then my members experience a lot of loss like in friendships. When they're losing weight.
They experience a lot of loss in their safety for years. Their their weight was the way that they protected themselves from getting hurt. Some of them suffer a lot of loss in food being their only source of comfort. You know, wow. When you first start changing your eating patterns if you have been calm For eating, what most diets do is they don't teach you how to put the comfort you really needed in that place. So we spend a lot of time dieting in our entire life, removing our comfort, and then just suffering while we're trying to lose weight. And so there's a, there's like a gap there where that initial, I don't know what to do with myself, I've lost the only friend I know, which is food, right? And learning how to put something in its place or truly care for yourself and such. So yeah, loss is everywhere. Grief is everywhere in weight loss.
Wendy
It's tremendous. It's tremendous. And so normalizing like what that can be and having the conversation around like, Yeah, this is totally going to happen as life continues to happen. And you know, this could be there's a medical diagnosis that prompts weight loss, this could be just an inner desire to have a different experience of a different body. This can be you know, in addition to deaths in your life or divorce or estrangements, I've seen so much support in the no BS Facebook group, which is where I hang out frequently, and I don't pipe up a lot other than to offer support and encouragement, but like, it's a natural thing that I've observed. And this kind of prompted my topic for today was normalizing that because it's a source of connection that I see it just demonstrated beautifully in the group. Yeah, yeah. I guess I'm surprised. I'm not surprised by that. How about you?
Corinne
I mean, I am not surprised. I mean, anytime, like, when I think about loss in particular, like it can come with anything. It's normal for it to be jarring. unsettling. You know, like, the one thing that one thing that human brain loves is it loves like the same stuff happening over and over again, it likes certainty, and it just doesn't like a lot of change. I don't care how spontaneous of a person you are. You still like your spontaneity is usually even pattern mystic, like if you spontaneously want like, like my members are often saying, like, I don't like making the plan. I like to just have spontaneity. And if they try their spontaneous eating, they're going for the same things. After the same feelings. You are not so clever, like none of us are, you know, it's like we definitely have wrote patterns as humans. And so like when you lose that certainty, like when you're changing, making changes and stuff, your brain just starts freaking out. And it starts looking at everything that you're going to lose out on. Like even one thing that like, like grieving, a lot of our clients grieve, leaving food behind, as if they're leaving their children.
Wendy
It's like a betrayal.
Corinne
Yeah, it's like, there's this like a fear. I'm going to miss out on some emotion like if I don't finish my play, and this big fear that I'm missing out and they like grieve that completion of a meal. And they don't like and I'm always trying to show them here are the things are actually happening, right? It makes sense that you're freaking out over this, it makes sense that you feel like you're losing something. But let's examine it aren't what aren't like, the my favorite question when someone feels like they're missing out or losing something is to say, clearly defined to me what you are losing? Because sometimes they will they won't even be able to answer it. They'll be like, Well, when I really think about it, I can't think of like I actually am not losing anything. I think I'm just thinking that. Sometimes they'll give me something, it's like, okay, if you're losing your comfort, that's really good information to know. Now what we need to do is we need to learn, where are you not comforting yourself to where food is trying to do the job. So it's a good it's always a good clarifying question to ask.
Wendy
I love that. And sometimes it can be like a sense of knowing or a sense of identity even I don't know myself in this way. As a person who leaves this many bites behind of my favorite Nacho, you know, queso dip, or whatever it is like I don't know myself that way. That's actually an indicator or can be framed as an indicator of progress. Like, oh, this is actually you getting what you want, but we have not really been taught that it's going to feel the way that it feels which is like awful. Yeah, it's like
Corinne
Like it's like whenever you're shifting and how you are it's just discombobulating and people think like, but I love that question. You were saying like you know, who am I going to be this often comes up in weight loss when I will watch somebody star putting the brakes on weight loss like those, like, you know, I've just noticed I'm not as intense and all this other stuff and I'll start digging around a lot of times they're like, Well, I'm afraid if I lose any more weight, I won't know who I am. Or that I will become at, you know, x, y, z. And what most people don't realize is that who you become is just a choice. It's a choice based on your decisions. So we can decide who we're going to be, it's just a lot of times, we don't think we get the decision, we just think that we just are naturally evolving, every decision that you make is a decision to choose who the next version of you is, sometimes the next version of you is going to be just like this one, you just keep choosing the same things over and over again, sometimes the next version of you is radically different, because you think about who you want to be. And then you make choices that takes you there.
Right. So it's like, it's just really important for people to, like, understand, like, if, like, if you're losing, like, it's natural, when you start changing a lot of your behaviors and your weights coming off and things like that, it feels like you're losing who you are, you are, but you want to make sure that you're really clear on and this is who I will become, and this is who I am becoming, to give you that sense of safety that it's okay, like it's okay to let go of this past version.
We're not even in usually, we're not even letting go of all of it. Like people think they're, you know, some kind of radical transformation is like, really transforming your outer shell. And we're really transforming how you eat, and we're going to transform how you think. But at the end of the day, if you're like a loving and giving person, just because you lose weight does not mean you turn into an a-hole. Right? So often our brain jumps to if I become then I'll be selfish, I'll be absorbed, I'll be all these things. It's like, where you really like, like, really think about how could you be that version of you and still be in bring along all the things you love about you, too.
Wendy
Mm hmm. I got the image when you were saying that of kind of like rolling out a net in front of you, in order to like the safety and security sort of coming in front of you as you you take these steps like it's the same lungs, it's the same heart, it's the same probably toenails, probably elbows, like it's the same version of you and, and what's different, like I love the element of really specifying the choices you have.
Now, I would like to also bring that to in the throes of the feeling of grief or loss. However, that shows up, it's different for everybody. But and like when it comes over you it is difficult to identify sometimes that you're in it. Sometimes it's really easy to identify like the brain fog, the discombobulation, like you were talking about often there's a lot of fatigue and identity shift plus weight loss like your your you and your body are going through something totally new and different. So could you talk a little bit? Or what would you say to people who are like, I'm on this weight loss journey, and all of a sudden, brief sort of washes over me, I'm just starting to get a sense of what that is and how that feels. But I'm still going for food or I'm terrified of like, of me going for food when I know that's not gonna work? Like, how would you talk to somebody around that? Just being in the feelings?
Corinne
Yeah, I think Well, I think first is like, we have to really get good at noticing when we're in our feelings. So this is usually what happens, like I have a brief thought that, like I'm giving up something. And then I suddenly feel deprived, or I suddenly feel exhausted about it or whatever. And then I just immediately go to the food. Like, if that's kind of you, it's like, we have to slow things down. And that sometimes can feel very scary to someone, but let me just explain. If you notice that you really want to lose weight. I tell people all the time. We never have I've just never met a woman who had a dramatic lack of desire for the want of losing weight. It's like, you know, they just they think about it, they keep starting plans.
They you know, every night they think they'll do better, you know, whatever. There's always this energy. Sometimes they're just interesting, like there's an energy around it. What their difference is, is that just because you want it it doesn't mean that you're brave enough to go after it. It doesn't mean you have courage. It doesn't mean that you are willing just yet You're probably if you notice, you keep not doing it. It's fear. It's fear of what you might lose out on. And that's where that grief comes in. It's like, ask yourself, this is the question I always ask my clients let y'all know before basics. It's not like anybody's walking in the door, not if you most of them have been listened to the podcast, or taken the free course, or at least listened to the first lessons of my whole course. And you know, your four basics. Problem is we fear, what we have, will lose if we start doing them. So if I start waiting for hunger, I'm going to like, I probably am going to lose feeling comfortable all day. Because in my mind, hunger is defined as like extreme, or I'm going to get weak or I can't have what I want. And, you know, anytime somebody wants to, like spontaneously go out, I don't get to go. Well, when we have that as our mental image of just waiting for hunger, you will not want to choose to do it, you'll want weight loss really bad, but you don't want to wait for hunger.
So then what we have to do is we have to like figure out, if you think you're going to lose all that, how are you not going to lose all that power you like, how is this going to be okay? In the moments when you still wish you were doing it? What can you tell yourself about why you don't really wish that you could just stop, drop and go eat Mexican, because you know, Sarah over here wants to go. Right now, we just have to think about those things. I think when it's, I just want for everyone to understand that. I don't think weight loss itself is hard. What's hard in weight loss is navigating all of the thinking that we have around what we're going to lose out on, like, and I just tell people all the time, you aren't going to lose out on eating. We just can't get like if you're gaining weight, you can't keep eating like you are it doesn't mean we have to radically change it, you do have to give up some of these things. And that is scary for people because they've never dealt with our life outside of food.
Wendy
On that level, right? Even though it's your choice for what it is you are going to suspend or give up or pause. Like for a little while, like the there's an still enormous choice, but we don't focus on that. Because we haven't been trained to.
Corinne
Yeah, it's just like a lot of people pleasers, you know, especially as women were like, taught in the womb to people, please, basically. And when we are going to lose weight, let's say Sarah wants to go and have Mexican for lunch. And you don't want to hurt her feelings. You don't want her to feel like you don't like her. Right? You've got to become the kind of person who can say no to Sarah. And like your reason, and be compassionate. And know that Sarah might get mad at you. She may not though. Like you have to become the kind of person who can have a reasonable conversation with yourself around saying no, because you know, you want to lose weight, it doesn't mean that you'll never go to lunch ever again with Sarah, one and don't have to become the kind of person who doesn't go to lunch simply to please someone else or go to lunch at a fear someone will be upset with you. And then another beer Mexican, it has everything to do with all those like those thought patterns, you have to give them up. That's what has to change. And in that gap. You know, like the first time you say no to someone, it feels gross. Your brains don't offer up everything like oh, no, you know, who knows when she will ever invite you again? What if this is the last time What if she thinks that you're just some kind of weight loss? You know, a-hole now and you know, doesn't want to be around you like that's all we have to face all of that and talk ourselves off that ledge.
Wendy
900 times and 900 times I mean, I'm speaking personally here so 900 times sometimes a day. That's like okay, how am I going to be with myself and this has a lot to do with in in grief for me when I find a lot is that there's a lot of abandonment and on my own journey, it was a lot of abandonment to food. Instead of like staying with myself then I I would sort of like numb out or check out by going to lots of processed carbs and alcohol back in the day and so like that was a way to efficiently eject from my body but I didn't really know or understand that I was sort of checking out of my whole self, all my relationships, my career in some cases all my like those things are not we just think we're trying to for me, I thought I was I needed a break from the brain voice.
Corinne
Yeah, well, and that's usually what most people are doing. It's like, whenever we need to take a break from, like, weight loss or whatever, never taking a break from weight loss, you are always taking a break from yourself. Because, you know, I don't care which program you do, how you talk to yourself matters. Oh, my gosh, yeah, it's like, you know, I, like literally seen people do all kinds of eating plans. And when they have their own back, they have no problems. And they could just live that way for the rest of their lives, and many of them do for years and years and years and years. Like, I have a lot of friends who are vegan, you know, it'd be really easy to think I have to eat this way. And, you know, I just missed this. Like, if they just sat in that all the time. They would be miserable. And they would need a break from being a vegan.
It's like, no, they need a break from themselves. But if they're sitting there thinking about, like, I love how my body feels when I eat this way. Sometimes I do miss this stuff. And that's okay. It's worth it. Because of this reason, when they're doing all of that. They don't need to take breaks, right? And so we just need to remember that, like, I think it's important. It's like a first step for everyone that anytime you're doing anything, when you think you need a break from a thing. Remember, things can't do anything to us. Without our brains consent. The moment your brain has a thought your brain is like if and if it feels bad, you've given this thing, consent to your feelings. Just remember, you're always in control. It doesn't mean we're gonna feel amazing about everything, like grief is not an amazing feeling.
Wendy
Oh, it is not there the other side of it? Yeah. Yeah.
Corinne
But it's one of those things where it's like, if you just think about, it has a purpose. It's, you know, something I'm willing to go through. That's very different than It's so terrible. It's going to kill me. I just need a break from it. Right?
Wendy
Right. When like, a break from it is actually not, not at all fine. And I'd be interested in your take on this Corinne to is, many times people are, they're in a lot of pain for a long time, I've worked with people who have had grief over a relationship that has been gone for a decade. And so like, they feel like they have been grieving it for years, when, in some ways, like they have been grieving it. And in some ways, they've been also resisting it. And so a lot of pain can come from resistance. And I think that's part of what we've been talking about. But I'd love to name it and get your take on resistance as well in terms of grief loss and weight loss.
Corinne
Yeah, I think like I think about my mom, who actively still grieves her parents, like my grandfather has been dead for 20 plus years, probably 20 to 23 years now. My grandmother, less than that, I think Logan, she, she's probably been dead for about 17 or 18 years now. She's still actively grieving, like, just the other day, she's staying at my house right now. She had a shoulder replacement. And I was just sitting on the bed talking to her that all of a sudden, she just broke out into tears.
And I said, What is it and she said, sometimes I just miss my mother so much. And you look so much like her. And like all of a sudden just like the missing in the just like like it had happened yesterday just came over her. To me that's like active grieving like she she acknowledged, you know that totally, or that it was, you know, this is I just do this sometimes like that, to me is active grieving, like acceptance of grieving resisting me almost in that whole idea of like, I should be over this by now. I shouldn't cry like this. Like, I don't have time for this.
You know, and I think I do agree with a lot of people like sometimes, like, if you're in the grieving, eight, let's say you're at work in the middle of a meeting. And all of a sudden you want to start crying about your mama or whatever. You may not actually be in the area where you can, but rather than telling yourself, I don't have time for this and resisting it saying this is coming up for me. And I want to acknowledge it later. Like give it a safe container. Because resistance is like this whole idea of it, at least for me. And I mean, I'm the grief expert you are it's like it's this. There's like a lot of shooting and shaming and push going against it and, like just saying, like basically talking to yourself like a jerk about it.
Wendy
100% 100% Yeah, same. It's the same self talk piece. I call it advanced self care is how we talk to ourselves. Like, okay, well, is it going to be advanced self care? Is it going to be like, advanced BS?
Corinne
Okay. I love advanced self care, I may steal their like, I will give you credit, but I may have triggered that is so smart though. Like I you know, I have a big rant on self care anyway, like people think self care is yours and pedicures and like, like getting massages, and it's like, costly. And I'm gonna need like two days and solitude on a pillow. Yeah, like, to me, basic self care is just like, first we had like basic human needs that have to be met, like self care at at its best, is when you are meeting your basic human needs. People do not realize especially in weight loss when you start meeting your basic human needs, how much your life changes, like sleep, and water, and like listening to what your body needs for food, when you take care of the basics. \
That's why I call them the four basic y’all. You take them off basics, so much of your life just naturally improve so that you have to do a lot of it, then you have what we call like the fun self care, which is if you got time and the DOM, you can go do all that stuff. But you know, like I coach a lot of single mamas with littles and you know, people who have two jobs and stuff like that they don't really have the luxury self care. But advanced self care. I'm so see on that topic like that is where it really moves the needle when you learn like the techniques of advanced self care, like the self talk, life explodes. It's like covering your basics, your life will change, advanced self care, your life will explode.
Wendy
I love that. And I feel like in the four basics to what I've experienced is like, there's still momentum that comes out of those basic needs getting met. It's like life in a new way. And that's part of the changes like there is a lift, there is momentum, there's actually more energy and more willingness based on the winds and the results that you get. Same exponentially in advanced self care.
Corinne
Yeah. It's so smart. So glad I came on this podcast. It's me. You just doing a podcast?
Wendy
I'm excited already. I'm anticipating it now. It's so good to go. So good. Oh, Corinne, that's awesome. Hey, what have I not asked yet? Or talked about yet that you would love to talk about? We still have a few minutes. And I'm kind of like, Kay would have I forgotten to ask or what would be useful for people to know about grief and their weights? weight loss journey? If it's coming up? If it's not coming up? Does it have to come up? What am I missing?
Corinne
One thing that I was actually thinking right, when we were talking about this advanced self care is I think it's important for everyone to know in weight loss, that for every change that you are going to make in order to lose weight, you are going to lose something and I don't just mean pounds, like you have to think about like every small change that we're going to make like even if it's for instance, if I'm if my small change is to drink all of my water. Well then I'm going to lose out probably on like that sodas and things like that, because you I mean you're gonna be you know, waterlogged if you don't. And then if you love diet sodas and you are like I can't live without them, and you're running out of time to drink it, you know that you're going to have that loss is like just as much as you're going to lose out on some time because I can't even tell you how many people don't drink their water because they don't like going to the bathroom all the time. And I'm like you were supposed to be going to the bathroom all the time. You're not supposed to.
But like thinking about like for all of you the changes that you'll make so like if you're doing my basics if you're going to stop it enough. Then like at dinner, this is a classic example I coach on this all the time, you're going to sit at dinner with your family and you're going to stop eating probably before everybody else when you're used to being the cleanup crew for that your play plus anybody else's you are going to lose out on connection at first because so many people finish their food because they think if I finish eating also the connection with my family is at the moment my last bite is taken.
We have connected the eating part as the kid the action part. So in the beginning, we have to retrain you that the connecting was never happening with food, it was always about the conversation. It was always about your your mind thinking, Oh, here I am with my family. If you stop eating, you probably like if you continue to think this is great, I've had enough. And here I am with my family, I'm just gonna sit and enjoy it until we're all done. You don't feel disconnected. But if you stop it enough, and you think I really should start the dishes, I just hate that I don't get to clean my plate. Everybody else gets to eat but me. Now you're disconnected from your family, you're all up in your head. So like remembering that every change always comes with loss. And that's normal. Pay attention to when you feel the loss. And then question, is this loss even true? Is this something I do need to greive? Or is this something that I'm just made up in my head? And I can easily navigate out of it? Right?
Wendy
Right. And sometimes like just to, like, continue on with that there is a loss, but there's also an exchange. So instead of like it just only being lost, which like, yeah, that's 100% True, and what am I exchanging for it? Because there's still value in where you're going. We just forget that because for me, and a lot of my clients, like we get in the habit of really only focusing on what's missing instead of what's coming, or what's actually already here, too.
Corinne
Yeah, for sure. For sure.
Wendy
Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad that you said that. I'm so glad you said that. I think we've come to a natural stopping point in our episode and Corinne what would you love for people to do? I'm going to provide all the links to everywhere and what do they do next,
Corinne
I would go to noBSfreecourse.com. And take my free course we've had like a million people go through it already. It's rock solid. And it will it will help you understand the basics of getting started so that you're not overwhelmed. You're not changing so much like with traditional diets where you have to change everything. And then you feel like you lose your entire sense of identity. We kind of sneak up on it. Like we make small changes so that you can keep doing them over and over again and you become a new person as you do it. So I would start with noBSfreecourse.com And that's where I would go.
Wendy
Excellent. I've totally done it. You should totally do it to people.
Corinne
It is I love my course I've really it's a great course I wish more people would take it.
Wendy
Well, are you going on 2 million? Are you like sneaking up on the 2 million mark?
Corinne
We're just over a million. Yeah, we just I think we're getting about three or four weeks ago. So yeah, we're super excited.
Wendy
Congrats. Wow. Oh, Corrine, such a pleasure to have you here. Thank you for taking the time with me and us, all of us. Such a pleasure to connect and get to know you.
Corinne
Thank you.
Wendy
Amazing Hey, thanks for listening. And if you are interested in doing a little deeper work in my group coaching program, go to goinginside.me see what I did there, goinginside.me. That's an annual program. We can work together in a group setting. And you'll see all the details right there love to have you join. Thank you for listening, and I'll talk to you next week. Okay bye.
For those of you who are brand new to Corinne Crabtree, I'm so excited for you. Corinne is actually one of my coaches and she is a master certified weight loss coach. I love and adore how she works, what she shares, what she teaches and how real she is. Yeah, I'm really excited for you to hear this podcast and Okay, here we go.
Corinne Crabtree
This is Corinne Crabtree, and you are listening to the heart healing from loss podcast. This is episode 67.
Wendy
Welcome to the microphone, Corinne Crabtree. And this is Wendy Sloneker. Your host Hello. I'm delighted to bring this magical person on to the airwaves with you. Now she's already on her own airwaves like rocking it hard and steady at any given moment. And if you have not heard of Corinne Crabtree, I'm delighted to introduce her to you as my coach, one of my coaches. Now I met Corinne about four minutes ago. And part of the magic here is in the realness. So Corinne, sincere welcome, and thank you for joining us here.
Corinne
Well, thank you for having me. I'm excited to talk about today's topic, I have been on a lot of podcasts and that I don't usually get to talk about grief that much. So this is this is a it's a timely topic too. Because as we were talking before, you know, my membership, my weight loss membership has got over 13,000 people in, we've had an experience. Like we've had members die, like I've never had that happen until the last few years. So that's been different for us. And then just navigating our members who are experiencing such loss and being able to help them through those periods. You know, it's newer to our business. And I've been around for 15 years, but the first 10 We never even had to deal with it. Like there was no one. I mean, it literally was like either, no one was losing people, we were all too young to be really losing people. So it's a beautiful topic, because many people need help with it.
Wendy
It's so true. And like part of that too, I'm guessing is like as you're growing your business. And as people we're starting to get more not educated but informed about what constitutes grief and loss because it's not just death, like that loss and change all along the way can bring about feelings of heaviness or uncertainty or, yeah, heartbreak. So normalizing that and experiencing that as a growing business that must have been just hailed.
Corinne
It is it's um, you know, I remember I remember the first time one of our members lost someone significant. I was, this was just a few years ago I was in I was in Las Vegas, it's probably around 2017. Maybe I got a text. This was back when we were small enough to where almost every member of my membership had my personal phone number. Wow. I know it's like, you know, we don't do that. But it's never out. I'll tell you never surprises me. I get random texts all the time. And I'm like, Who is this? And like, because I'm terrible about adding to my contacts. I have to scroll through like conversations. I'm like, Oh my gosh, that's like so and so who's been a member since 2008. You know, we're headed my number out like it was Pez candy all the time.
I got a text from her. And her husband suddenly died. He was 52. Like, he was playing golf and had a heart attack. And she texted me this was that night. And I was one of the or that afternoon I was one of her first texts, where she was just like, I don't know what to do. Greg died. I was like, what, like, I mean, I didn't even know how to respond. Yeah, you know, it was shocking. But yeah, we experienced a lot of loss just in humans. And then my members experience a lot of loss like in friendships. When they're losing weight.
They experience a lot of loss in their safety for years. Their their weight was the way that they protected themselves from getting hurt. Some of them suffer a lot of loss in food being their only source of comfort. You know, wow. When you first start changing your eating patterns if you have been calm For eating, what most diets do is they don't teach you how to put the comfort you really needed in that place. So we spend a lot of time dieting in our entire life, removing our comfort, and then just suffering while we're trying to lose weight. And so there's a, there's like a gap there where that initial, I don't know what to do with myself, I've lost the only friend I know, which is food, right? And learning how to put something in its place or truly care for yourself and such. So yeah, loss is everywhere. Grief is everywhere in weight loss.
Wendy
It's tremendous. It's tremendous. And so normalizing like what that can be and having the conversation around like, Yeah, this is totally going to happen as life continues to happen. And you know, this could be there's a medical diagnosis that prompts weight loss, this could be just an inner desire to have a different experience of a different body. This can be you know, in addition to deaths in your life or divorce or estrangements, I've seen so much support in the no BS Facebook group, which is where I hang out frequently, and I don't pipe up a lot other than to offer support and encouragement, but like, it's a natural thing that I've observed. And this kind of prompted my topic for today was normalizing that because it's a source of connection that I see it just demonstrated beautifully in the group. Yeah, yeah. I guess I'm surprised. I'm not surprised by that. How about you?
Corinne
I mean, I am not surprised. I mean, anytime, like, when I think about loss in particular, like it can come with anything. It's normal for it to be jarring. unsettling. You know, like, the one thing that one thing that human brain loves is it loves like the same stuff happening over and over again, it likes certainty, and it just doesn't like a lot of change. I don't care how spontaneous of a person you are. You still like your spontaneity is usually even pattern mystic, like if you spontaneously want like, like my members are often saying, like, I don't like making the plan. I like to just have spontaneity. And if they try their spontaneous eating, they're going for the same things. After the same feelings. You are not so clever, like none of us are, you know, it's like we definitely have wrote patterns as humans. And so like when you lose that certainty, like when you're changing, making changes and stuff, your brain just starts freaking out. And it starts looking at everything that you're going to lose out on. Like even one thing that like, like grieving, a lot of our clients grieve, leaving food behind, as if they're leaving their children.
Wendy
It's like a betrayal.
Corinne
Yeah, it's like, there's this like a fear. I'm going to miss out on some emotion like if I don't finish my play, and this big fear that I'm missing out and they like grieve that completion of a meal. And they don't like and I'm always trying to show them here are the things are actually happening, right? It makes sense that you're freaking out over this, it makes sense that you feel like you're losing something. But let's examine it aren't what aren't like, the my favorite question when someone feels like they're missing out or losing something is to say, clearly defined to me what you are losing? Because sometimes they will they won't even be able to answer it. They'll be like, Well, when I really think about it, I can't think of like I actually am not losing anything. I think I'm just thinking that. Sometimes they'll give me something, it's like, okay, if you're losing your comfort, that's really good information to know. Now what we need to do is we need to learn, where are you not comforting yourself to where food is trying to do the job. So it's a good it's always a good clarifying question to ask.
Wendy
I love that. And sometimes it can be like a sense of knowing or a sense of identity even I don't know myself in this way. As a person who leaves this many bites behind of my favorite Nacho, you know, queso dip, or whatever it is like I don't know myself that way. That's actually an indicator or can be framed as an indicator of progress. Like, oh, this is actually you getting what you want, but we have not really been taught that it's going to feel the way that it feels which is like awful. Yeah, it's like
Corinne
Like it's like whenever you're shifting and how you are it's just discombobulating and people think like, but I love that question. You were saying like you know, who am I going to be this often comes up in weight loss when I will watch somebody star putting the brakes on weight loss like those, like, you know, I've just noticed I'm not as intense and all this other stuff and I'll start digging around a lot of times they're like, Well, I'm afraid if I lose any more weight, I won't know who I am. Or that I will become at, you know, x, y, z. And what most people don't realize is that who you become is just a choice. It's a choice based on your decisions. So we can decide who we're going to be, it's just a lot of times, we don't think we get the decision, we just think that we just are naturally evolving, every decision that you make is a decision to choose who the next version of you is, sometimes the next version of you is going to be just like this one, you just keep choosing the same things over and over again, sometimes the next version of you is radically different, because you think about who you want to be. And then you make choices that takes you there.
Right. So it's like, it's just really important for people to, like, understand, like, if, like, if you're losing, like, it's natural, when you start changing a lot of your behaviors and your weights coming off and things like that, it feels like you're losing who you are, you are, but you want to make sure that you're really clear on and this is who I will become, and this is who I am becoming, to give you that sense of safety that it's okay, like it's okay to let go of this past version.
We're not even in usually, we're not even letting go of all of it. Like people think they're, you know, some kind of radical transformation is like, really transforming your outer shell. And we're really transforming how you eat, and we're going to transform how you think. But at the end of the day, if you're like a loving and giving person, just because you lose weight does not mean you turn into an a-hole. Right? So often our brain jumps to if I become then I'll be selfish, I'll be absorbed, I'll be all these things. It's like, where you really like, like, really think about how could you be that version of you and still be in bring along all the things you love about you, too.
Wendy
Mm hmm. I got the image when you were saying that of kind of like rolling out a net in front of you, in order to like the safety and security sort of coming in front of you as you you take these steps like it's the same lungs, it's the same heart, it's the same probably toenails, probably elbows, like it's the same version of you and, and what's different, like I love the element of really specifying the choices you have.
Now, I would like to also bring that to in the throes of the feeling of grief or loss. However, that shows up, it's different for everybody. But and like when it comes over you it is difficult to identify sometimes that you're in it. Sometimes it's really easy to identify like the brain fog, the discombobulation, like you were talking about often there's a lot of fatigue and identity shift plus weight loss like your your you and your body are going through something totally new and different. So could you talk a little bit? Or what would you say to people who are like, I'm on this weight loss journey, and all of a sudden, brief sort of washes over me, I'm just starting to get a sense of what that is and how that feels. But I'm still going for food or I'm terrified of like, of me going for food when I know that's not gonna work? Like, how would you talk to somebody around that? Just being in the feelings?
Corinne
Yeah, I think Well, I think first is like, we have to really get good at noticing when we're in our feelings. So this is usually what happens, like I have a brief thought that, like I'm giving up something. And then I suddenly feel deprived, or I suddenly feel exhausted about it or whatever. And then I just immediately go to the food. Like, if that's kind of you, it's like, we have to slow things down. And that sometimes can feel very scary to someone, but let me just explain. If you notice that you really want to lose weight. I tell people all the time. We never have I've just never met a woman who had a dramatic lack of desire for the want of losing weight. It's like, you know, they just they think about it, they keep starting plans.
They you know, every night they think they'll do better, you know, whatever. There's always this energy. Sometimes they're just interesting, like there's an energy around it. What their difference is, is that just because you want it it doesn't mean that you're brave enough to go after it. It doesn't mean you have courage. It doesn't mean that you are willing just yet You're probably if you notice, you keep not doing it. It's fear. It's fear of what you might lose out on. And that's where that grief comes in. It's like, ask yourself, this is the question I always ask my clients let y'all know before basics. It's not like anybody's walking in the door, not if you most of them have been listened to the podcast, or taken the free course, or at least listened to the first lessons of my whole course. And you know, your four basics. Problem is we fear, what we have, will lose if we start doing them. So if I start waiting for hunger, I'm going to like, I probably am going to lose feeling comfortable all day. Because in my mind, hunger is defined as like extreme, or I'm going to get weak or I can't have what I want. And, you know, anytime somebody wants to, like spontaneously go out, I don't get to go. Well, when we have that as our mental image of just waiting for hunger, you will not want to choose to do it, you'll want weight loss really bad, but you don't want to wait for hunger.
So then what we have to do is we have to like figure out, if you think you're going to lose all that, how are you not going to lose all that power you like, how is this going to be okay? In the moments when you still wish you were doing it? What can you tell yourself about why you don't really wish that you could just stop, drop and go eat Mexican, because you know, Sarah over here wants to go. Right now, we just have to think about those things. I think when it's, I just want for everyone to understand that. I don't think weight loss itself is hard. What's hard in weight loss is navigating all of the thinking that we have around what we're going to lose out on, like, and I just tell people all the time, you aren't going to lose out on eating. We just can't get like if you're gaining weight, you can't keep eating like you are it doesn't mean we have to radically change it, you do have to give up some of these things. And that is scary for people because they've never dealt with our life outside of food.
Wendy
On that level, right? Even though it's your choice for what it is you are going to suspend or give up or pause. Like for a little while, like the there's an still enormous choice, but we don't focus on that. Because we haven't been trained to.
Corinne
Yeah, it's just like a lot of people pleasers, you know, especially as women were like, taught in the womb to people, please, basically. And when we are going to lose weight, let's say Sarah wants to go and have Mexican for lunch. And you don't want to hurt her feelings. You don't want her to feel like you don't like her. Right? You've got to become the kind of person who can say no to Sarah. And like your reason, and be compassionate. And know that Sarah might get mad at you. She may not though. Like you have to become the kind of person who can have a reasonable conversation with yourself around saying no, because you know, you want to lose weight, it doesn't mean that you'll never go to lunch ever again with Sarah, one and don't have to become the kind of person who doesn't go to lunch simply to please someone else or go to lunch at a fear someone will be upset with you. And then another beer Mexican, it has everything to do with all those like those thought patterns, you have to give them up. That's what has to change. And in that gap. You know, like the first time you say no to someone, it feels gross. Your brains don't offer up everything like oh, no, you know, who knows when she will ever invite you again? What if this is the last time What if she thinks that you're just some kind of weight loss? You know, a-hole now and you know, doesn't want to be around you like that's all we have to face all of that and talk ourselves off that ledge.
Wendy
900 times and 900 times I mean, I'm speaking personally here so 900 times sometimes a day. That's like okay, how am I going to be with myself and this has a lot to do with in in grief for me when I find a lot is that there's a lot of abandonment and on my own journey, it was a lot of abandonment to food. Instead of like staying with myself then I I would sort of like numb out or check out by going to lots of processed carbs and alcohol back in the day and so like that was a way to efficiently eject from my body but I didn't really know or understand that I was sort of checking out of my whole self, all my relationships, my career in some cases all my like those things are not we just think we're trying to for me, I thought I was I needed a break from the brain voice.
Corinne
Yeah, well, and that's usually what most people are doing. It's like, whenever we need to take a break from, like, weight loss or whatever, never taking a break from weight loss, you are always taking a break from yourself. Because, you know, I don't care which program you do, how you talk to yourself matters. Oh, my gosh, yeah, it's like, you know, I, like literally seen people do all kinds of eating plans. And when they have their own back, they have no problems. And they could just live that way for the rest of their lives, and many of them do for years and years and years and years. Like, I have a lot of friends who are vegan, you know, it'd be really easy to think I have to eat this way. And, you know, I just missed this. Like, if they just sat in that all the time. They would be miserable. And they would need a break from being a vegan.
It's like, no, they need a break from themselves. But if they're sitting there thinking about, like, I love how my body feels when I eat this way. Sometimes I do miss this stuff. And that's okay. It's worth it. Because of this reason, when they're doing all of that. They don't need to take breaks, right? And so we just need to remember that, like, I think it's important. It's like a first step for everyone that anytime you're doing anything, when you think you need a break from a thing. Remember, things can't do anything to us. Without our brains consent. The moment your brain has a thought your brain is like if and if it feels bad, you've given this thing, consent to your feelings. Just remember, you're always in control. It doesn't mean we're gonna feel amazing about everything, like grief is not an amazing feeling.
Wendy
Oh, it is not there the other side of it? Yeah. Yeah.
Corinne
But it's one of those things where it's like, if you just think about, it has a purpose. It's, you know, something I'm willing to go through. That's very different than It's so terrible. It's going to kill me. I just need a break from it. Right?
Wendy
Right. When like, a break from it is actually not, not at all fine. And I'd be interested in your take on this Corinne to is, many times people are, they're in a lot of pain for a long time, I've worked with people who have had grief over a relationship that has been gone for a decade. And so like, they feel like they have been grieving it for years, when, in some ways, like they have been grieving it. And in some ways, they've been also resisting it. And so a lot of pain can come from resistance. And I think that's part of what we've been talking about. But I'd love to name it and get your take on resistance as well in terms of grief loss and weight loss.
Corinne
Yeah, I think like I think about my mom, who actively still grieves her parents, like my grandfather has been dead for 20 plus years, probably 20 to 23 years now. My grandmother, less than that, I think Logan, she, she's probably been dead for about 17 or 18 years now. She's still actively grieving, like, just the other day, she's staying at my house right now. She had a shoulder replacement. And I was just sitting on the bed talking to her that all of a sudden, she just broke out into tears.
And I said, What is it and she said, sometimes I just miss my mother so much. And you look so much like her. And like all of a sudden just like the missing in the just like like it had happened yesterday just came over her. To me that's like active grieving like she she acknowledged, you know that totally, or that it was, you know, this is I just do this sometimes like that, to me is active grieving, like acceptance of grieving resisting me almost in that whole idea of like, I should be over this by now. I shouldn't cry like this. Like, I don't have time for this.
You know, and I think I do agree with a lot of people like sometimes, like, if you're in the grieving, eight, let's say you're at work in the middle of a meeting. And all of a sudden you want to start crying about your mama or whatever. You may not actually be in the area where you can, but rather than telling yourself, I don't have time for this and resisting it saying this is coming up for me. And I want to acknowledge it later. Like give it a safe container. Because resistance is like this whole idea of it, at least for me. And I mean, I'm the grief expert you are it's like it's this. There's like a lot of shooting and shaming and push going against it and, like just saying, like basically talking to yourself like a jerk about it.
Wendy
100% 100% Yeah, same. It's the same self talk piece. I call it advanced self care is how we talk to ourselves. Like, okay, well, is it going to be advanced self care? Is it going to be like, advanced BS?
Corinne
Okay. I love advanced self care, I may steal their like, I will give you credit, but I may have triggered that is so smart though. Like I you know, I have a big rant on self care anyway, like people think self care is yours and pedicures and like, like getting massages, and it's like, costly. And I'm gonna need like two days and solitude on a pillow. Yeah, like, to me, basic self care is just like, first we had like basic human needs that have to be met, like self care at at its best, is when you are meeting your basic human needs. People do not realize especially in weight loss when you start meeting your basic human needs, how much your life changes, like sleep, and water, and like listening to what your body needs for food, when you take care of the basics. \
That's why I call them the four basic y’all. You take them off basics, so much of your life just naturally improve so that you have to do a lot of it, then you have what we call like the fun self care, which is if you got time and the DOM, you can go do all that stuff. But you know, like I coach a lot of single mamas with littles and you know, people who have two jobs and stuff like that they don't really have the luxury self care. But advanced self care. I'm so see on that topic like that is where it really moves the needle when you learn like the techniques of advanced self care, like the self talk, life explodes. It's like covering your basics, your life will change, advanced self care, your life will explode.
Wendy
I love that. And I feel like in the four basics to what I've experienced is like, there's still momentum that comes out of those basic needs getting met. It's like life in a new way. And that's part of the changes like there is a lift, there is momentum, there's actually more energy and more willingness based on the winds and the results that you get. Same exponentially in advanced self care.
Corinne
Yeah. It's so smart. So glad I came on this podcast. It's me. You just doing a podcast?
Wendy
I'm excited already. I'm anticipating it now. It's so good to go. So good. Oh, Corinne, that's awesome. Hey, what have I not asked yet? Or talked about yet that you would love to talk about? We still have a few minutes. And I'm kind of like, Kay would have I forgotten to ask or what would be useful for people to know about grief and their weights? weight loss journey? If it's coming up? If it's not coming up? Does it have to come up? What am I missing?
Corinne
One thing that I was actually thinking right, when we were talking about this advanced self care is I think it's important for everyone to know in weight loss, that for every change that you are going to make in order to lose weight, you are going to lose something and I don't just mean pounds, like you have to think about like every small change that we're going to make like even if it's for instance, if I'm if my small change is to drink all of my water. Well then I'm going to lose out probably on like that sodas and things like that, because you I mean you're gonna be you know, waterlogged if you don't. And then if you love diet sodas and you are like I can't live without them, and you're running out of time to drink it, you know that you're going to have that loss is like just as much as you're going to lose out on some time because I can't even tell you how many people don't drink their water because they don't like going to the bathroom all the time. And I'm like you were supposed to be going to the bathroom all the time. You're not supposed to.
But like thinking about like for all of you the changes that you'll make so like if you're doing my basics if you're going to stop it enough. Then like at dinner, this is a classic example I coach on this all the time, you're going to sit at dinner with your family and you're going to stop eating probably before everybody else when you're used to being the cleanup crew for that your play plus anybody else's you are going to lose out on connection at first because so many people finish their food because they think if I finish eating also the connection with my family is at the moment my last bite is taken.
We have connected the eating part as the kid the action part. So in the beginning, we have to retrain you that the connecting was never happening with food, it was always about the conversation. It was always about your your mind thinking, Oh, here I am with my family. If you stop eating, you probably like if you continue to think this is great, I've had enough. And here I am with my family, I'm just gonna sit and enjoy it until we're all done. You don't feel disconnected. But if you stop it enough, and you think I really should start the dishes, I just hate that I don't get to clean my plate. Everybody else gets to eat but me. Now you're disconnected from your family, you're all up in your head. So like remembering that every change always comes with loss. And that's normal. Pay attention to when you feel the loss. And then question, is this loss even true? Is this something I do need to greive? Or is this something that I'm just made up in my head? And I can easily navigate out of it? Right?
Wendy
Right. And sometimes like just to, like, continue on with that there is a loss, but there's also an exchange. So instead of like it just only being lost, which like, yeah, that's 100% True, and what am I exchanging for it? Because there's still value in where you're going. We just forget that because for me, and a lot of my clients, like we get in the habit of really only focusing on what's missing instead of what's coming, or what's actually already here, too.
Corinne
Yeah, for sure. For sure.
Wendy
Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad that you said that. I'm so glad you said that. I think we've come to a natural stopping point in our episode and Corinne what would you love for people to do? I'm going to provide all the links to everywhere and what do they do next,
Corinne
I would go to noBSfreecourse.com. And take my free course we've had like a million people go through it already. It's rock solid. And it will it will help you understand the basics of getting started so that you're not overwhelmed. You're not changing so much like with traditional diets where you have to change everything. And then you feel like you lose your entire sense of identity. We kind of sneak up on it. Like we make small changes so that you can keep doing them over and over again and you become a new person as you do it. So I would start with noBSfreecourse.com And that's where I would go.
Wendy
Excellent. I've totally done it. You should totally do it to people.
Corinne
It is I love my course I've really it's a great course I wish more people would take it.
Wendy
Well, are you going on 2 million? Are you like sneaking up on the 2 million mark?
Corinne
We're just over a million. Yeah, we just I think we're getting about three or four weeks ago. So yeah, we're super excited.
Wendy
Congrats. Wow. Oh, Corrine, such a pleasure to have you here. Thank you for taking the time with me and us, all of us. Such a pleasure to connect and get to know you.
Corinne
Thank you.
Wendy
Amazing Hey, thanks for listening. And if you are interested in doing a little deeper work in my group coaching program, go to goinginside.me see what I did there, goinginside.me. That's an annual program. We can work together in a group setting. And you'll see all the details right there love to have you join. Thank you for listening, and I'll talk to you next week. Okay bye.
