Episode 57: Feeling Grief Feelings vs. BEING Grief Feelings
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What is the difference between feeling a feeling and BEING a feeling?
If you’re experiencing a lack of progress through your journey with grief and loss, it could be because of being your feeling instead of feeling your feelings. In episode 57, Grief Coach Wendy talks about walking through the feelings instead of telling yourself you ARE the feeling. Once you understand how it actually works to FEEL your feelings, you can start to break habits with BEING a feeling. It all starts with self-awareness, beginning to notice when you are thinking “I am ____ (insert feeling word)” and then interrupting that thought with the new habit of identifying it as a feeling instead of a statement of what you are. |
Wendy talks about the difference between feeling your feelings and being your feelings.
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You are Invited
And Wendy is inviting you to the first ever FREEBIE Week for her Going Inside Program! If you’ve been thinking about starting a writing ritual or amping up a current writing ritual, this is a great boost that you won’t want to miss.
Join Wendy for an open house for Going Inside, happening February 6-12. Listen up for more information, then sign up! Sign Up for FREEBIE Week
And Wendy is inviting you to the first ever FREEBIE Week for her Going Inside Program! If you’ve been thinking about starting a writing ritual or amping up a current writing ritual, this is a great boost that you won’t want to miss.
Join Wendy for an open house for Going Inside, happening February 6-12. Listen up for more information, then sign up! Sign Up for FREEBIE Week
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
You are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss podcast with episode 57.
Today, I want to talk about feeling grief feelings, versus being grief feelings. We do this subconsciously, it's 100% human. And we don't often know that we have options and choices at our disposal around our feelings, especially in grief and loss.
Now you may want to or get to sub in other feelings and my feeling and anger feeling versus being and anger feeling. Another one is anxiousness and my feeling my anxious feelings or am I being anxiousness itself.
I gotta tell you, the reason that I'm doing this whole podcast is because I see how much energy and life getting spent in being too close or over identified and over identified is a word that doesn't really feel comfortable for me to say, so I'm gonna see if I can find another one. But the, the gist of it is over identified identifying too much.
We tell her, here's how we do it. We tell ourselves we are I am anxious, I am devastated, I am grieving. And while this is true, like when you are grieving, like it's a verb. When you don't say you are grief, you say I am sad, which reinforces and there's a somatic response in ourselves to the messaging and thoughts that we give ourselves.
So I want to offer that we proceed with care about what we say, especially to ourselves. Because our bodies are listening, our hearts are listening, our guts are listening, not to mention, you know, like, you may have kids, you may not have kids, the most important person who's hearing all of this is you. And it's affecting and impacting how you feel.
So I want to offer some tools, I also want to normalize that you are not doing anything wrong, this happens to be how we think happens to be how we talk. And there are subtle ways that we can interrupt the habitual pattern. So we're actually going and walking through the feelings rather than talking about how we are them.
We are the feeling we're not the feelings, you are not your feelings. A feeling is a sensation. It's a data point is something that I've heard it called, it's a signal. And it can signal like a process, there can be a somatic response that goes with it. Actually feeling the feeling is what is released. Like when you allow a feeling through your body in its entirety, if you can sit with it and be with it without creating another one, immediately. Which we have a habit of doing just because we're alive. And we have the brains that we have.
You're not doing anything wrong. You haven't been given this information about your instrument about your body, or the way that it works. So I want to do that you need to know or you get to at least be aware and informed. You can choose to do and feel what it is that you want. I just want you to know how it works.
Science says this is not me just making stuff up and saying hey, by the way, I think do know this is science says that our thoughts affect our feelings and emotions. Our language affects our feelings and emotions. That's how it works. Even when we're thinking to ourselves, I am this. So a way to interrupt that that is self awareness. Yeah. So how do you create self awareness? You set a little game for yourself. I like to make it a game. I don't like to make it a some people say you know send out a bolo on this Be on the lookout for it is not a criminal activity. It is just something like okay, let's play the game of find that the habit thought you didn't give yourself some prizes. Sure. That sounds fun.
But the game is and you're the winner Anyway, the game is how can I find an interrupt my thought around I am this. Because it's not problematic when we say we're happy. Like, great. Like, let's embody that. Let's be in that I am joyful. I'm feeling joy. Oh, just give it away right there. Did you hear it? Once you've identified and found yourself in the moment of okay, I just said I am this this is not permission or a way or a space to use that to weaponize this information? No, this is where you come in and say good job. Good job. You found it. You did it. You interrupted it by becoming aware of it. Oh my gosh, that happened. Excellent.
Now, we begin to practice something, the tiniest bit different. And it goes. I'm feeling sad. And so what you're doing in that, in that that little bit of language is you're actually creating some distance between your identity and your emotion that you are feeling that comes through your body and then releases out into be transmuted into other energy.
Yep, little bit of distance comes with tiny change in language. It can, it can work like that I'm feeling or I'm noticing that I'm feeling you can back it up and be like, how was I feeling yesterday? I felt like I was embodiment. Identification. I am sad. I was sad. That can be true in the past. Oh, I'm noticing today that I felt sad yesterday. Distance.
This this distance creation can also be considered a way of making and taking space. Is it disloyal? Is it doesn't mean you don't love the person who maybe is no longer with you or passed or died? No, no, it means you're like working with a practical element of your body. You're working with your instrument. You're working with it. Okay, am I sadness? Am I anxiousness? And my anger? I'm experiencing anger, feeling anger. But I am not the feeling of anger. Because you're so many other things as well. You have other roles, besides the embodiment of anger.
What else are they? And this can be another way of listing out what are my roles? How do I identify? I identify as someone with short hair, I identify I have these are things I have. My body has blue eyes. This time around. That's what that looks like. This is what that looks like. I am a daughter. I'm a wife. I'm a sister. I'm a grief coach. What else are you I'm a student. I'm a human. I am not a feeling. I feel feelings but I am not a feeling.
I want to offer this distinction for you because if you're gonna get in a rabbit hole I recommend that this be a rabbit hole that can spiral up in order to help yourself feel a little bit better and allow your emotions to process what happens when we just stand in and say we are a feeling I am I am depressed. This is a statement that will reinforce itself. I mean experiencing depression this moment I feel a little extra depressed, I feel it that means you are not in body. But you are identifying that it is a feeling that is not your identity. Subtle. Yes. Important. Yes. Optional. Definitely. Definitely trying on, this isn't anything that I need you to do. This is something that I am offering information about. That's all.
It's hard enough to go through grief and loss without having any information about why am I still feeling this? Why am I still doing this? I have the feeling as strong as it's ever been. And I don't seem to be making progress. And I don't know why. Some of it is about not knowing or understanding how feelings work. That's all. It's not a shortcoming on your part at all. It doesn't mean anything about you. It means like, okay, like us humans could really like use some more tools. Especially around feelings.
I know, this is true. For me, this is what got me on my whole path. I needed new and more and different information about what the heck was going on. So I could learn to take my side, create some space, move forward, learn how to feel something else. Other than depression, other than anxiousness other than sadness. Yeah, like, that's all. That's all this is. And it's optional. So I can't say that enough. Because for some, these feelings feel so familiar and connected and attached to a loved one who is no longer on the planet that they don't want. Another way or a choice, they want what they want because that that emotional, state, whatever it is, helps them feel closer to a loved one or to a time no one needs to take any of that away.
When a time comes that you want to feel better. One way you can do it is just look at your language of what you're saying and what you're thinking. That's all. That's all okay. That's all on that concept. I think I have spoken it into enough existence that you get it.
I want to also issue an invitation here. I'm throwing a party for my Going Inside program which is an annual coaching and writing and companion program. So we use a couple different media for this program and I'm opening it up and offering freebie week. freebie week yeah. It's pretty much like a an open house of the going inside program with a couple of extra special events including a kickoff and then a closing ceremony. So in between the kickoff and the closing ceremony there are three Zoom recorded coach and writing sessions where we spend a little bit of time Going Inside with pen and paper. This is for those of you who may have writing projects that you want to make a little headway on. It may be that you are in recovery and you have some some step work to do or some writing work to do. You may be an outpatient. If you're an inpatient, you'll hear about this later. But like these are things if you know you just do a little bit better with your days and your whole self when you jot you have a few moments to write this is for you.
This whole program is for you and freebie week is totally for you to just to check it out. So we do use pen to paper writing daily prompts are offered and delivered via email daily encouragement text messages are also sent because growth takes guts, and encouragement is important. So daily writing prompts daily encouragement, text message, three times we meet, right and coach, we write for release, we write to process and where we write to clear and to receive clarity. Pen to paper is totally where it's at.
And it also brings your mind in down and through your hand. It connects your brain with your heart with your hand, your body a little bit more embodiment below the neck. And this is, there's magic in this there's release in this and I provide the prompts. I provide the space there will be replays that are available for one week after the entire freebie week. So you'll go through freebie week. And then if you've missed any of the replays, you'll have a week to watch them or take them in, ask me questions, do all the things. I'm going to drop a link in the comments section. Thank you for putting like it'll also be in the show notes. Because that's all we do. And thank you for listening.
I hope you'll join me for freebie week from going inside the going inside program. freebie week. A when is it? February 6 through February 12, 2023. Boom, it's coming up. We still have a little bit of time, but it’s coming up. Okay, thank you for listening. Until I talk to you again. Take sweet, sweet care. Okay. Talk to you next week.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this?
Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute Free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills.
I'm ready for you. Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. All right. Till then take really good care. Bye bye
You are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss podcast with episode 57.
Today, I want to talk about feeling grief feelings, versus being grief feelings. We do this subconsciously, it's 100% human. And we don't often know that we have options and choices at our disposal around our feelings, especially in grief and loss.
Now you may want to or get to sub in other feelings and my feeling and anger feeling versus being and anger feeling. Another one is anxiousness and my feeling my anxious feelings or am I being anxiousness itself.
I gotta tell you, the reason that I'm doing this whole podcast is because I see how much energy and life getting spent in being too close or over identified and over identified is a word that doesn't really feel comfortable for me to say, so I'm gonna see if I can find another one. But the, the gist of it is over identified identifying too much.
We tell her, here's how we do it. We tell ourselves we are I am anxious, I am devastated, I am grieving. And while this is true, like when you are grieving, like it's a verb. When you don't say you are grief, you say I am sad, which reinforces and there's a somatic response in ourselves to the messaging and thoughts that we give ourselves.
So I want to offer that we proceed with care about what we say, especially to ourselves. Because our bodies are listening, our hearts are listening, our guts are listening, not to mention, you know, like, you may have kids, you may not have kids, the most important person who's hearing all of this is you. And it's affecting and impacting how you feel.
So I want to offer some tools, I also want to normalize that you are not doing anything wrong, this happens to be how we think happens to be how we talk. And there are subtle ways that we can interrupt the habitual pattern. So we're actually going and walking through the feelings rather than talking about how we are them.
We are the feeling we're not the feelings, you are not your feelings. A feeling is a sensation. It's a data point is something that I've heard it called, it's a signal. And it can signal like a process, there can be a somatic response that goes with it. Actually feeling the feeling is what is released. Like when you allow a feeling through your body in its entirety, if you can sit with it and be with it without creating another one, immediately. Which we have a habit of doing just because we're alive. And we have the brains that we have.
You're not doing anything wrong. You haven't been given this information about your instrument about your body, or the way that it works. So I want to do that you need to know or you get to at least be aware and informed. You can choose to do and feel what it is that you want. I just want you to know how it works.
Science says this is not me just making stuff up and saying hey, by the way, I think do know this is science says that our thoughts affect our feelings and emotions. Our language affects our feelings and emotions. That's how it works. Even when we're thinking to ourselves, I am this. So a way to interrupt that that is self awareness. Yeah. So how do you create self awareness? You set a little game for yourself. I like to make it a game. I don't like to make it a some people say you know send out a bolo on this Be on the lookout for it is not a criminal activity. It is just something like okay, let's play the game of find that the habit thought you didn't give yourself some prizes. Sure. That sounds fun.
But the game is and you're the winner Anyway, the game is how can I find an interrupt my thought around I am this. Because it's not problematic when we say we're happy. Like, great. Like, let's embody that. Let's be in that I am joyful. I'm feeling joy. Oh, just give it away right there. Did you hear it? Once you've identified and found yourself in the moment of okay, I just said I am this this is not permission or a way or a space to use that to weaponize this information? No, this is where you come in and say good job. Good job. You found it. You did it. You interrupted it by becoming aware of it. Oh my gosh, that happened. Excellent.
Now, we begin to practice something, the tiniest bit different. And it goes. I'm feeling sad. And so what you're doing in that, in that that little bit of language is you're actually creating some distance between your identity and your emotion that you are feeling that comes through your body and then releases out into be transmuted into other energy.
Yep, little bit of distance comes with tiny change in language. It can, it can work like that I'm feeling or I'm noticing that I'm feeling you can back it up and be like, how was I feeling yesterday? I felt like I was embodiment. Identification. I am sad. I was sad. That can be true in the past. Oh, I'm noticing today that I felt sad yesterday. Distance.
This this distance creation can also be considered a way of making and taking space. Is it disloyal? Is it doesn't mean you don't love the person who maybe is no longer with you or passed or died? No, no, it means you're like working with a practical element of your body. You're working with your instrument. You're working with it. Okay, am I sadness? Am I anxiousness? And my anger? I'm experiencing anger, feeling anger. But I am not the feeling of anger. Because you're so many other things as well. You have other roles, besides the embodiment of anger.
What else are they? And this can be another way of listing out what are my roles? How do I identify? I identify as someone with short hair, I identify I have these are things I have. My body has blue eyes. This time around. That's what that looks like. This is what that looks like. I am a daughter. I'm a wife. I'm a sister. I'm a grief coach. What else are you I'm a student. I'm a human. I am not a feeling. I feel feelings but I am not a feeling.
I want to offer this distinction for you because if you're gonna get in a rabbit hole I recommend that this be a rabbit hole that can spiral up in order to help yourself feel a little bit better and allow your emotions to process what happens when we just stand in and say we are a feeling I am I am depressed. This is a statement that will reinforce itself. I mean experiencing depression this moment I feel a little extra depressed, I feel it that means you are not in body. But you are identifying that it is a feeling that is not your identity. Subtle. Yes. Important. Yes. Optional. Definitely. Definitely trying on, this isn't anything that I need you to do. This is something that I am offering information about. That's all.
It's hard enough to go through grief and loss without having any information about why am I still feeling this? Why am I still doing this? I have the feeling as strong as it's ever been. And I don't seem to be making progress. And I don't know why. Some of it is about not knowing or understanding how feelings work. That's all. It's not a shortcoming on your part at all. It doesn't mean anything about you. It means like, okay, like us humans could really like use some more tools. Especially around feelings.
I know, this is true. For me, this is what got me on my whole path. I needed new and more and different information about what the heck was going on. So I could learn to take my side, create some space, move forward, learn how to feel something else. Other than depression, other than anxiousness other than sadness. Yeah, like, that's all. That's all this is. And it's optional. So I can't say that enough. Because for some, these feelings feel so familiar and connected and attached to a loved one who is no longer on the planet that they don't want. Another way or a choice, they want what they want because that that emotional, state, whatever it is, helps them feel closer to a loved one or to a time no one needs to take any of that away.
When a time comes that you want to feel better. One way you can do it is just look at your language of what you're saying and what you're thinking. That's all. That's all okay. That's all on that concept. I think I have spoken it into enough existence that you get it.
I want to also issue an invitation here. I'm throwing a party for my Going Inside program which is an annual coaching and writing and companion program. So we use a couple different media for this program and I'm opening it up and offering freebie week. freebie week yeah. It's pretty much like a an open house of the going inside program with a couple of extra special events including a kickoff and then a closing ceremony. So in between the kickoff and the closing ceremony there are three Zoom recorded coach and writing sessions where we spend a little bit of time Going Inside with pen and paper. This is for those of you who may have writing projects that you want to make a little headway on. It may be that you are in recovery and you have some some step work to do or some writing work to do. You may be an outpatient. If you're an inpatient, you'll hear about this later. But like these are things if you know you just do a little bit better with your days and your whole self when you jot you have a few moments to write this is for you.
This whole program is for you and freebie week is totally for you to just to check it out. So we do use pen to paper writing daily prompts are offered and delivered via email daily encouragement text messages are also sent because growth takes guts, and encouragement is important. So daily writing prompts daily encouragement, text message, three times we meet, right and coach, we write for release, we write to process and where we write to clear and to receive clarity. Pen to paper is totally where it's at.
And it also brings your mind in down and through your hand. It connects your brain with your heart with your hand, your body a little bit more embodiment below the neck. And this is, there's magic in this there's release in this and I provide the prompts. I provide the space there will be replays that are available for one week after the entire freebie week. So you'll go through freebie week. And then if you've missed any of the replays, you'll have a week to watch them or take them in, ask me questions, do all the things. I'm going to drop a link in the comments section. Thank you for putting like it'll also be in the show notes. Because that's all we do. And thank you for listening.
I hope you'll join me for freebie week from going inside the going inside program. freebie week. A when is it? February 6 through February 12, 2023. Boom, it's coming up. We still have a little bit of time, but it’s coming up. Okay, thank you for listening. Until I talk to you again. Take sweet, sweet care. Okay. Talk to you next week.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this?
Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute Free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills.
I'm ready for you. Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. All right. Till then take really good care. Bye bye
