Episode 56: Shaking Off Shame About Wants and Needs
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Shake it off?
Did you know that when your dog shakes, they are regaining control of their emotions? Unless it's a rainy day, in which case, it's probably just shaking off the wet. Speaking of shaking off emotions, humans can do it too, though maybe not quite as literally. Shaking off Shame In this episode, Wendy shares a personal story when she had to shake off the shame of investing in herself. What felt like "too much" — too much time, too much money, just ... too much — wasn't. It was what she needed at just the right time. Fortunately, she was able to shake off the shame and get it done. In times of grief and loss (and in the rest of life, honestly), we can lose the line between self-care and self-indulgence. Wendy's here to help us recognize when we might be missing a genuine opportunity for growth. |
Wendy shares when she had to shake off the shame.
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You are Invited
If you are feeling shame around taking care of yourself, do some real self-care and sign up for a complimentary one-on-one with Wendy. You can find more information at wendysloneker.com.
If you are feeling shame around taking care of yourself, do some real self-care and sign up for a complimentary one-on-one with Wendy. You can find more information at wendysloneker.com.
As seen on: |
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
Live on YouTube as well let you are listening to the Heart Healing from Wounds podcast with Wendy Sloneker, Episode 56.
Today we're talking about shaking off shame. Yes, we're doing it. So part of the reason that I want to come up and talk about shaking off shame is that I've recently been in a position to do that. And that is it has to do with an experience that I gave myself. So part of this story, for today's episode is going to be about shaking off shame about my own wants and needs. Because this may be something that's happening for you as well. And I want to just be clear that this is 100%. Human, there's nothing wrong. No one's going off the rails here.
But I do have new evidence about how betting on myself and working with my wants and needs instead of continuing to deny them around the support that I actually need. How that worked out how that worked out, because I'm going to assure you, from the top of this episode that it did. It kind of makes me giggle a little bit so. And it's also just very fresh and tender. So what happened was, here's the story. What happened was I put together and joined a Money Mastermind group. And I had my own kind of like, when do you what do you do when you've been in business for a while and you're doing fine?
When I say fine, does anybody know the acronym effed up insecure, erotic and emotional, right? Anybody go with that? This is part this was partly in there. This was not 100% in there. I'm saying the acronym portion of that show was probably about 43% for the acronym and the rest of it was actually adequate. Adequate. Okay, great. Yes, I'm doing this for business. But it's still relates and is relevant. Okay, stay with me.
Had a lot of judgment about what it was that I wanted and needed in terms of this support in this mastermind. And that was something that I kept a very secret, even from myself. Does anybody else do that thing where like, there's this prospect of transformation, healing, growth, that happens comes into your awareness comes into your consciousness and you're like, I think this was, this was pretty much it came to my attention and awareness. Late early, early last year, we're gonna say spring of 2022. And I followed this person, I followed this person to follow this person, her name is Serena Hicks. She's a boatload of frickin fun. And so I see this opportunity. Notice this person, and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I think that's the person I'm working with. And so what did me and my scared brain did was, okay, let's go and see what she has in terms of podcasts and free content, I need more information. I need more time to sort of try on the form function and fun of, of what this experiences with this person. I need more evidence that it is for me. Reasonable, reasonable.
Come to find out. There's a total mastermind that happens. And it opened up and I was like, oh, yeah, that's amazing. And then it closed. I opened up again, and then it opened up again. So I was like, okay, am I doing this? Am I doing this? And this is the question that really just sort of allow me to pause my brain, which was the one that was offering me all the shame. And it showed up as Wendy, you've already invested so much in your coaching your training You name your own healing from grief and loss around like, however many alphabets of topics you want to put together, you've done a lot of investing Wendy and my heart that I was just squelching. One of my favorite authors, authors uses the word squelch a few times can anyone guess who that is? I'm going to try to remember this, oh, I'm just telling you right now, squelch, Sir Terry Pratchett.
So I went about squelching what my heart wanted what it was like, Oh, my gosh, this feels like the person. And this is how we knew it wasn't like this credential, and 75 University, whatever he thinks it was a heart that knew what was next. And for a long time, over the last year, I kept squelching that heart and that voice, because I had shame about. I was shaming myself about what I wanted and needed and how it felt, how it just ends, so much money, and so much time.
And my brain was busy, busy minimizing while my heart was busy longing, and continuing to have its own measure of suffering, not only from what it wanted and needed, which was not getting mad, but also, like, I was not listening, I was not paying attention. That was not something that I was like available for because fear and shame.
So the initial transformation I received in this whole experience, which I'm going to tell you in a second, just a little bit about that. This whole experience started when I decided, and when I invested. And this is the same and true of my clients, I was just talking with a former client, she worked with me late last year, in the like, late summer, into Fall, Winter. And I was describing this to my my client because I'm in touch and I frickin love them. So I was talking with her about it. And she says, Wendy, this is exactly what I went through with you. Like, I experience things that like are so similar and so resonant. And this is so good for you. Because now you know a little bit about how your clients feel. So true, and so valuable. I'm so grateful and glad that she shared that because number one, how would I have known? Number two? It's true. How do I know that?
Because like, I went below my neck a little bit into my heart area checked. And I checked. Yeah, like, yeah. Experience. So here's one of the other benefits that that I received, like it was a reassurance, full body reassurance that I'm in. And I was the only person who could have done that for myself. put myself in this space risky. Yes. Still risky, unknown, most definitely uncomfortable, for sure. And what else had changed, I was now paying attention to what my whole self wanted and needed, not just my brain.
So I made this decision back in early December. I think this has not been a long time. It's January 17. I just got back from a four day kickoff of this group in New York City. I was not going to take myself on for this New York experience. I was like, Okay, and here's what you can tell like when I'm listening to my brain and when I'm listening to my heart, you can tell because now I can tell now that I'm saying it out loud with you.
Oh my gosh. I was allowing my scared and fearful and shame based brain to say, Wendy you know what the Zoom experience is going to be fine for this mastermind that you've spent significant several significant amount of money in investing in yourself in oh my gosh, Zooms fine. Can you hear that? I'm asking if you can hear it because like, I would love it if you would listen for it in yourself.
It's a viable option, right? So I heard it. And I had a real element of what am I going to do? Like, am I going to be satisfied? Is that what I want and need for the best experience? Is my investment going to pay off? If I do zoom for these four days, without the rest of the group? For me, that was no, ultimately like, and I really let myself sort of like, sit in that question. For a couple of weeks, it was a couple of weeks. And it was when I summon the courage to really look at my finances, again, some more to look for evidence of how it could work. Plus, I was willing to take on and go find a freelance gig in order to fund it. That's how I got that's how I got there, because like hotel and airfare, that was not part of this mastermind. That was part of my experience, that was part of my choice.
Ultimately, I made that decision to go. And here's what else happened. In those four days, with this small group, which is exactly perfect, and right on time for me, may I say? What else happened was I received a tremendous gift of deepened clarity and deepen healing. I think I express trained my way into three years of growth in those four days. So the evidence here is, it can happen fast, when you have the right support. And my heart knows, like, I'm just like, I'm not even going to worry about it. Because I already know. I came back and I talked to my wife. And I was like, here's what you can expect over the next year. Here's what you can expect. In terms of this group. Yeah, I'm signing up for the next one. I can tell right now six months, yes. Love it. I'm in it. I'm all in it. I'm more committed to my business, my clients, the ones that I've already served, and the ones that I haven't yet served. And I'm also more committed in a new way to myself, not going to shame myself for the things that I want and need. Because it seems like it's a good idea, or what will people think people are totally going to think whatever it is, they're gonna think.
I'm committed to myself, my business, and my clients, those I've served and those I haven't yet met. I have new insight and new energy for that exact commitment. I've never been more clear, I've never been more sure. And this is what is worth it is the yes, the investment but it's more of the attention. Not the intention. Yeah, that comes later. A tension. Attention is a cure. Currency. Attention is a currency and when I go beyond the initial panic, sticker shock, I'm more panic. Some anxiety, I still, like communicating with my loved one and my spouse, like that was still a thing.
The payoff is so much more than what I could have imagined. And honestly, I got back from New York City on Saturday, it's Tuesday. We actually start with the first call today, and it's already paid. In my body, in my heart, in my sense of capacity, in my healing in my motivation, in my enthusiasm. With the right support, with the rights with support, in general, it can happen fast or faster. With the right support, it can be easier and faster. Now, what's the right support again? Your hearts gonna know it And the right support is also going to uncover that with you or sort of ask you the right questions to get to whether or not that's the right fit for you, or the best fit for you. I believe you're wholly capable of learning how to listen to that part of you. When you're ready to release, shame about what it is you want and need for your best and sweetest and most loving experience no matter what anybody else thinks says or does, because you know what, that's out of your hula hoop anyway, it certainly is out of mine.
And asked for the question of like, the scared brain question of didn't really already invest enough. There's the air quotes enough was not already enough. It was. It definitely was, and you have new choices, and new opportunities. And all of those decisions got you exactly right here right now. Do you think you'll need some more support to go forward? I do. I'm actively, enthusiastically and wholeheartedly excited to pay. If I'm getting more of this, and something more. Oh, yes, I am. All in all day. Oh, yes.
And so the question now becomes my sweet listener, like, what is okay for you? What is right for you? And what is your heart saying about what it is that you want and need? Next? I'm, I'm fairly certain your brain has been offering its own versions of consultation. So we're going to just hold off on what the brain is saying. For now.
We're going to go a little deeper, just into your high heart area between your collarbones put your hand right up there and your like, high up on your high heart in your chest. What is it that is wanted and needed? From here on out? It's a skill. I gotta say, I had some like sweaty shorts for a while when I was making this decision. So I want to just normalize that your adrenaline might be pumping. There might be some concerns about communications with yourself and others. Valid 100% valid? Doesn't mean it's wrong. Doesn't mean it's not needed or wanted. I'm sending you so much care and support and heart.
And if you want to discuss it with me directly, reach out through my website. Send. Put a little click in the comments. And we can set it up. Thank you for listening. To me yes for this episode. But thank you in advance for also listening to yourself. That's a really big deal. Okay, more to come. No surprise. Big fat. Promise more to come. Talk to you soon. Bye.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute Free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you. Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. All right. Till then take really good care. Bye bye
Live on YouTube as well let you are listening to the Heart Healing from Wounds podcast with Wendy Sloneker, Episode 56.
Today we're talking about shaking off shame. Yes, we're doing it. So part of the reason that I want to come up and talk about shaking off shame is that I've recently been in a position to do that. And that is it has to do with an experience that I gave myself. So part of this story, for today's episode is going to be about shaking off shame about my own wants and needs. Because this may be something that's happening for you as well. And I want to just be clear that this is 100%. Human, there's nothing wrong. No one's going off the rails here.
But I do have new evidence about how betting on myself and working with my wants and needs instead of continuing to deny them around the support that I actually need. How that worked out how that worked out, because I'm going to assure you, from the top of this episode that it did. It kind of makes me giggle a little bit so. And it's also just very fresh and tender. So what happened was, here's the story. What happened was I put together and joined a Money Mastermind group. And I had my own kind of like, when do you what do you do when you've been in business for a while and you're doing fine?
When I say fine, does anybody know the acronym effed up insecure, erotic and emotional, right? Anybody go with that? This is part this was partly in there. This was not 100% in there. I'm saying the acronym portion of that show was probably about 43% for the acronym and the rest of it was actually adequate. Adequate. Okay, great. Yes, I'm doing this for business. But it's still relates and is relevant. Okay, stay with me.
Had a lot of judgment about what it was that I wanted and needed in terms of this support in this mastermind. And that was something that I kept a very secret, even from myself. Does anybody else do that thing where like, there's this prospect of transformation, healing, growth, that happens comes into your awareness comes into your consciousness and you're like, I think this was, this was pretty much it came to my attention and awareness. Late early, early last year, we're gonna say spring of 2022. And I followed this person, I followed this person to follow this person, her name is Serena Hicks. She's a boatload of frickin fun. And so I see this opportunity. Notice this person, and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I think that's the person I'm working with. And so what did me and my scared brain did was, okay, let's go and see what she has in terms of podcasts and free content, I need more information. I need more time to sort of try on the form function and fun of, of what this experiences with this person. I need more evidence that it is for me. Reasonable, reasonable.
Come to find out. There's a total mastermind that happens. And it opened up and I was like, oh, yeah, that's amazing. And then it closed. I opened up again, and then it opened up again. So I was like, okay, am I doing this? Am I doing this? And this is the question that really just sort of allow me to pause my brain, which was the one that was offering me all the shame. And it showed up as Wendy, you've already invested so much in your coaching your training You name your own healing from grief and loss around like, however many alphabets of topics you want to put together, you've done a lot of investing Wendy and my heart that I was just squelching. One of my favorite authors, authors uses the word squelch a few times can anyone guess who that is? I'm going to try to remember this, oh, I'm just telling you right now, squelch, Sir Terry Pratchett.
So I went about squelching what my heart wanted what it was like, Oh, my gosh, this feels like the person. And this is how we knew it wasn't like this credential, and 75 University, whatever he thinks it was a heart that knew what was next. And for a long time, over the last year, I kept squelching that heart and that voice, because I had shame about. I was shaming myself about what I wanted and needed and how it felt, how it just ends, so much money, and so much time.
And my brain was busy, busy minimizing while my heart was busy longing, and continuing to have its own measure of suffering, not only from what it wanted and needed, which was not getting mad, but also, like, I was not listening, I was not paying attention. That was not something that I was like available for because fear and shame.
So the initial transformation I received in this whole experience, which I'm going to tell you in a second, just a little bit about that. This whole experience started when I decided, and when I invested. And this is the same and true of my clients, I was just talking with a former client, she worked with me late last year, in the like, late summer, into Fall, Winter. And I was describing this to my my client because I'm in touch and I frickin love them. So I was talking with her about it. And she says, Wendy, this is exactly what I went through with you. Like, I experience things that like are so similar and so resonant. And this is so good for you. Because now you know a little bit about how your clients feel. So true, and so valuable. I'm so grateful and glad that she shared that because number one, how would I have known? Number two? It's true. How do I know that?
Because like, I went below my neck a little bit into my heart area checked. And I checked. Yeah, like, yeah. Experience. So here's one of the other benefits that that I received, like it was a reassurance, full body reassurance that I'm in. And I was the only person who could have done that for myself. put myself in this space risky. Yes. Still risky, unknown, most definitely uncomfortable, for sure. And what else had changed, I was now paying attention to what my whole self wanted and needed, not just my brain.
So I made this decision back in early December. I think this has not been a long time. It's January 17. I just got back from a four day kickoff of this group in New York City. I was not going to take myself on for this New York experience. I was like, Okay, and here's what you can tell like when I'm listening to my brain and when I'm listening to my heart, you can tell because now I can tell now that I'm saying it out loud with you.
Oh my gosh. I was allowing my scared and fearful and shame based brain to say, Wendy you know what the Zoom experience is going to be fine for this mastermind that you've spent significant several significant amount of money in investing in yourself in oh my gosh, Zooms fine. Can you hear that? I'm asking if you can hear it because like, I would love it if you would listen for it in yourself.
It's a viable option, right? So I heard it. And I had a real element of what am I going to do? Like, am I going to be satisfied? Is that what I want and need for the best experience? Is my investment going to pay off? If I do zoom for these four days, without the rest of the group? For me, that was no, ultimately like, and I really let myself sort of like, sit in that question. For a couple of weeks, it was a couple of weeks. And it was when I summon the courage to really look at my finances, again, some more to look for evidence of how it could work. Plus, I was willing to take on and go find a freelance gig in order to fund it. That's how I got that's how I got there, because like hotel and airfare, that was not part of this mastermind. That was part of my experience, that was part of my choice.
Ultimately, I made that decision to go. And here's what else happened. In those four days, with this small group, which is exactly perfect, and right on time for me, may I say? What else happened was I received a tremendous gift of deepened clarity and deepen healing. I think I express trained my way into three years of growth in those four days. So the evidence here is, it can happen fast, when you have the right support. And my heart knows, like, I'm just like, I'm not even going to worry about it. Because I already know. I came back and I talked to my wife. And I was like, here's what you can expect over the next year. Here's what you can expect. In terms of this group. Yeah, I'm signing up for the next one. I can tell right now six months, yes. Love it. I'm in it. I'm all in it. I'm more committed to my business, my clients, the ones that I've already served, and the ones that I haven't yet served. And I'm also more committed in a new way to myself, not going to shame myself for the things that I want and need. Because it seems like it's a good idea, or what will people think people are totally going to think whatever it is, they're gonna think.
I'm committed to myself, my business, and my clients, those I've served and those I haven't yet met. I have new insight and new energy for that exact commitment. I've never been more clear, I've never been more sure. And this is what is worth it is the yes, the investment but it's more of the attention. Not the intention. Yeah, that comes later. A tension. Attention is a cure. Currency. Attention is a currency and when I go beyond the initial panic, sticker shock, I'm more panic. Some anxiety, I still, like communicating with my loved one and my spouse, like that was still a thing.
The payoff is so much more than what I could have imagined. And honestly, I got back from New York City on Saturday, it's Tuesday. We actually start with the first call today, and it's already paid. In my body, in my heart, in my sense of capacity, in my healing in my motivation, in my enthusiasm. With the right support, with the rights with support, in general, it can happen fast or faster. With the right support, it can be easier and faster. Now, what's the right support again? Your hearts gonna know it And the right support is also going to uncover that with you or sort of ask you the right questions to get to whether or not that's the right fit for you, or the best fit for you. I believe you're wholly capable of learning how to listen to that part of you. When you're ready to release, shame about what it is you want and need for your best and sweetest and most loving experience no matter what anybody else thinks says or does, because you know what, that's out of your hula hoop anyway, it certainly is out of mine.
And asked for the question of like, the scared brain question of didn't really already invest enough. There's the air quotes enough was not already enough. It was. It definitely was, and you have new choices, and new opportunities. And all of those decisions got you exactly right here right now. Do you think you'll need some more support to go forward? I do. I'm actively, enthusiastically and wholeheartedly excited to pay. If I'm getting more of this, and something more. Oh, yes, I am. All in all day. Oh, yes.
And so the question now becomes my sweet listener, like, what is okay for you? What is right for you? And what is your heart saying about what it is that you want and need? Next? I'm, I'm fairly certain your brain has been offering its own versions of consultation. So we're going to just hold off on what the brain is saying. For now.
We're going to go a little deeper, just into your high heart area between your collarbones put your hand right up there and your like, high up on your high heart in your chest. What is it that is wanted and needed? From here on out? It's a skill. I gotta say, I had some like sweaty shorts for a while when I was making this decision. So I want to just normalize that your adrenaline might be pumping. There might be some concerns about communications with yourself and others. Valid 100% valid? Doesn't mean it's wrong. Doesn't mean it's not needed or wanted. I'm sending you so much care and support and heart.
And if you want to discuss it with me directly, reach out through my website. Send. Put a little click in the comments. And we can set it up. Thank you for listening. To me yes for this episode. But thank you in advance for also listening to yourself. That's a really big deal. Okay, more to come. No surprise. Big fat. Promise more to come. Talk to you soon. Bye.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute Free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you. Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. All right. Till then take really good care. Bye bye
