Episode 48: The Power and Pleasure of Taking Tiny Breaks

Holidays are tough.
For those of here up north, the days are shorter and darker and the weather is colder. For all of us, there can be so many emotionally loaded memories to contend with.
Too much expectation colliding with too much reality.

Could tiny breaks scattered through these days help?
Grief Coach Wendy Sloneker says Yes. Absolutely. Not just breaks from boozy parties or fractious family discussions, but breaks where you give yourself time off from grief.

If the holiday break feels more like it's breaking you rather than giving you a break, take a moment to listen to some very helpful thoughts and ideas and find relief.
Episode 48 Podcast with Wendy Sloneker a Certified Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist & End of Life Doula -- an expert on helping others navigate grief and loss through to healing.
Wendy shares how taking small breaks can give you the relief you need during the hectic holiday season.
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Thanks to Eric Verlinde for our new theme music! You can find him at ericverlinde.com.

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Full Episode Transcript


Wendy Sloneker 
Hello, you are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss podcast with Wendy Sloneker. That is me. This is episode 48. 

Hello, at the time of this recording, it is right on the cusp of well, what someone call the holiday season. It's definitely winter, here in Seattle, we've had a downpour of rain in the last day or two. And this is November the 23rd at the time of this recording.

I want to talk a little bit about the power and pleasure of taking tiny, or micro breaks. And this may surprise you. I'm gonna give you a few tips, a few suggestions of you games, some words that you can practice out loud with your outside voice. Or you can practice with yourself for your own inner dialogue. 

Whoa, getting deep. So, first of all, I'm glad you are here. And I'm glad I'm here. Because that means well, we're together. Right now, right here right now. And right here right now can be really tough. For those experiencing a season of grief and loss. Now, holidays are already kind of a loaded time, right? Why? Well, days are shorter. Nights are a little bit longer due to the time change that I hear maybe leaving at some point. But he's still here with us at this moment. 

Things are a little darker, it gets a little colder, at least it does here in Seattle. What else there are traditions that are often put forth. And there may or may not be expectations that go along with those traditions. There's a lot of retail and advertising and gift buying and gift sharing lots of food, lots of drink, and lots of memories that may be coming up that have to do with previous holiday seasons that were different, or better, or worse, or something they were not this season. 

So sometimes we can get sort of in swimming in the soup of previous holiday seasons. We have expectations, we have preferences. When we have all these expectations and preferences and memories and things going on up in our head. We are less inclined to be present to the right here right now. And if we are, it could be that we are seeing things and people perhaps that we're not super thrilled about. That is an understatement on purpose. 
Okay, so we get this want to Oh, one, one last thing to sort of sum up and tie a little bow on that. When we are in swimming in that soup, we are not here we are putting a lot of expectation and pressure on ourselves and on others, mostly ourselves around perhaps how it shouldn't be the way that it is. So I want to give you a little bit of a rapid fire sort of but not too rapid because I'm it's still early in the morning for me. 

So let me just jump in taking tiny breaks. Now what does that mean? That can mean a million things but I am going to give you two really specific ones that are going to help you if you need it if you want it through this holiday now the first one I want to offer you is one that I learned from David Kessler, who I studied and trained with earlier this year, and his grief educator program now. He talks about taking breaks from from the pain, like taking actual breaks and I was like, what? How do we do that? So in Kessler's work, he suggests, and I'm going to suggest it here too, because that's where I got it from. 

He suggests taking breaks. And making sure to get rest, and having intervals where you touch and work with and release the emotional pain that is called grief, or that you're experiencing as loss or heaviness. So those three things can balance each other out, yes, there can be active conscious work around grief and loss. 

And what if that took three to five minutes where you dedicated a little bit of time, and then you took a break. And when I say break from the, the work of going through grief and loss, it could be that it's something that will give you a lot of joy. And it also could be that, these intervals do not have to be exactly timed. You do not have to like popping into your stopwatch, you do not know how to. This is not an athletic event. 

So offering yourself a little bit of grace, which is you know, space, sometimes it's understanding, it's offering yourself, what it is that you, your emotional body, your physical body, your soul body, what those things need. And that could be a break that could be frivolous, it could be active, it could be silly. 

So something to help you get into the present, even if you're in a focused present, like trying something new, could be a silly recipe that you just want to have the experience of trying it something you've never tried before. It could also be the mundane familiar, where you are washing dishes by hand in a sink full of soapy, comforting, water, warm water. 

This can be and qualify as taking a break. It could be that you text with a friend or you play a couple of rounds of video games. It could be any of those things. One way that I try to take a break is to give myself the game. And this can be called taking a break or called coming back to the life that I'm having right now. And not getting caught up in the soup of the past. Or the fluff of the future. If we're honest, if I'm honest, I'll be honest. 

So that can look like what could what can I take pleasure in that is either a small comfort or a simple pleasure. And that has to do a lot of times with my senses, like smelling coffee in the afternoon, or lately, it's an Earl Grey tea that I found. It's organic from Trader Joe's, it's beautiful. In the afternoon that gives me a lift. It could be the simple pleasure of ringing a bell, or of putting some scent on or lighting a candle or noticing somebody else's lights that can be physical, physical lights that they have perhaps in their house or home or wherever. It could also be the light that they bring when they look at you when they smile at you could be a stranger if it's not creepy, totally. That can be a small or simple pleasure, a comfort. 

Now, some of you may be thinking what that is not actually doing much of anything and I hear you and I will argue that point because the key to this game of learning and getting good at taking tiny breaks for pleasure and comfort is to create small shifts. Isn't a total burning bush of revelation. No, but it can be a start of one, it can be a spark of one. We have such high expectations sometimes. 

So, you know, I did this, this work for five minutes, and where's my brand new life? Yeah, that that's, that makes for a hard day. And that also makes for well, this didn't work. So I'm not going to do anything that's different or possibly better, or give it a chance or give myself a chance. So when we say, you know, nothing's happening, we take ourselves off the hook from doing anything different, and finding what works for us. 

And so we create the excuse, but we also create more of nothing happening. Why? You Yeah, nothing happening. If you don't want that, if you don't want nothing to happen, if you want something to happen, this requires us to do something a little bit different. So if you want to create something different, or have a different experience, you do something a little bit different. I propose the small and simple method I propose offering yourself small comforts. And that is 100%. Up to you what you qualify as a small comfort. 

Some people might say that getting in a bathtub is a big comfort. Some people might say it's a small comfort, this is entirely up to you. No judgement. This is where it counts when you count it for yourself. This is not up to me to tell you this is a big one, this is a little one know, what is possible? And what is available. And what are you up for? This is my proposal. 

If you are looking for, you know, big, huge change and being a wash, enjoy immediately, please go to some other podcast because I don't know what that is, that has not been my experience. Oftentimes, when I find myself a wash in anything, it's usually short term. And there's nothing wrong with that. But what I'm talking about here is navigating out of emotional pain in a safe and steady way that is also gentle and nurturing and fulfilling for maybe longer term. 

And when I say longer term, I mean, I mean like rinse and repeat. Look for more simple pleasures look for more comforts look for bigger at some points, pleasures, bigger comforts, getting used to it, and breaking the habit of being in emotional pain, because sometimes it is a habit. Sometimes it's totally not. If you're brand new in your season. It's not a habit. It's awful. And if you are in a habit, and you know, you are not like your body is going to resonate with these words, or it's not. That's how you know whether or not it's for you. 

Okay, so I want to give you the second the second piece of this. Okay, ready, here we go. Because I previously had the thought and idea that I couldn't possibly take a break if I was out with people or at their home or participating in some event or whatever. So I want to give you some words here. Let's say you want to take a break and either go outside. Let's say you're in this big bacilli space. And it's getting warm and you're feeling a little overstimulated and overwhelmed and you're starting to maybe, I don't know, leave your body dissociate something. And you don't want to do that. What you can do is you can take a break. 

How do you do that? How do you do that? Well, you can say, Excuse me, I'm gonna go get some fresh air. Or I'm gonna go step outside, you can invite the person to join you if you want to. I'm going to I need to go get some quiet. It's just really warm in here and really loud. So I'm just going to take a minute I'll be back in just a few minutes. It really does take just a few minutes. 

And what if they say, because I can hear some of your brains going, what if they say what if I can't I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Okay, Okay, can you take a walk around the house? Can you open a window for a moment? Can you open a door for a moment? Can you say, Oh, I'm going to take a call or make a call? I'll be right outside and be right back? Can you offer the host or hostess? Like, Hey, do you need anything, I was gonna go to the store and just take a little break, what do we need, something to shake it up. 

And to also give yourself a little bit of a moment, it may be that you're with family, and you feel comfortable enough to just say, I'm just gonna go in this room and be quiet for a few minutes. Nothing's wrong, I just feel a little overwhelmed, and I'm just gonna catch my breath. There is nothing wrong with that. If they don't understand that, that is okay. That is okay. No big deal. And you can tell them no big deal. I'm just taking a break, you can take a few extra minutes in the bathroom. Careful, if there's just one bathroom, you can play with any of the pets, you can, like spend additional moments with the kids, if that's if you if there are any there. And if you want to, you can offer to do food prep, or set the table or something that is going to be a little bit different. 

How can I help just for the sake of helping this can be considered a break and you can find pleasure there in Wow, the silverware is either super shiny, or just really beautiful. The weight of the butter knife feels heavy in my hand, it feels cool, it feels chilly, is probably going to be like a pleasure to have some carrots, or whatever. You can clearly see that I'm making this up right now. 

So and this, this goes all around. So asking yourself how can I take a break? Or what is the break that I need? Maybe you arrive a little bit later than you thought you would maybe you leave a little bit earlier than you thought you might because you just could use a break. Giving time back to yourself is not wrong. 

What if that was your own private and personal holiday? Going and looking at lights going in picking up anything, you can just say I'm going to the store for a few minutes, I'll be right back and you just come back with anything or nothing. You know, what if that's just your way of going outside? For yourself? 

It counts, it totally counts. giving yourself the space to say, Yeah, I'm normalizing taking care of myself and I just need to catch my breath. Or I'm just gonna take a stretch, I think I'm gonna walk around the block. I'll be right back. No big deal. It can be really uncomfortable. But it can also be less uncomfortable or more comfortable, shall I say. The second time you do it. The first time you do it might be really scary, because you've never done it before. This is reasonable. And you also don't have to be trapped in a house. Really not going to miss anything. And if you do, you can give somebody else the joy of sharing. However many times from however many people all about the small thing that you missed, whether somebody's dentures fell out while they were biting into a slice of pie or somebody you know, something silly, something funny. Let them have the pleasure of telling you the story and be there for it. Like that's another thing. 

It's okay, we're not going to catch every single moment. It's not humanly possible. Taking care of yourself and taking a break for yourself is how you really embody your life in the moment. And it's also a practice of coming back to the present moment. 

I hope these are helpful. I've gotten a little bit longer today than I have in previous episodes. And this may be true for the next few because we're going, we're going into the winter holiday and the winter season.

I'm thinking of you. I'm on your team. I'm on your side, practice a couple of these, or just remember them and allow that break to happen. Inside. That's okay. Taking a break from repeated thoughts is a big job. So ringing a bell can be Oh, I'm going to ring one right now. I have one. I have a few of them. 

Yeah, something simple. Here for you. Okay. Let me know what comes up. I'd love to hear. And if you haven't followed me yet, on my personal Facebook page, I do offer some video visits usually about weekly. And I'd love to have you join me there. I'm about to record one right now. Okay, take sweet, sweet care. And I will talk to you next week. Okay, bye. Bye. 

Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection. It's a 45 minute Free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. 

If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you. Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly from [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. Alright, till then.

Take really good bye bye

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