Episode 46: Healing from Grief without Pretending
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"I'm tired of pretending I don't have the feelings I have."
Does that feel familiar? Even though you may be grieving, sometimes others make the moment about them, or you may want to hide your feelings to protect others. This can really isolate us, making us feel unseen, unheard, and alone with our pain. But How? It's important to feel valued and respected in our relationships, says Grief Coach Wendy Sloneker. But how do you make that happen, especially when the culprits are some of the closest, most important people in our lives? |
Do you feel unseen or unheard? Do you feel like you need to pretend?
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You are Invited
Learn about how to make space for your feelings, even when others push back or try to cover over how you feel. Then get even more help to manage the emotions that are holding you back: Set up a complimentary consultation with Wendy on her website at https://www.wendysloneker.com/.
Learn about how to make space for your feelings, even when others push back or try to cover over how you feel. Then get even more help to manage the emotions that are holding you back: Set up a complimentary consultation with Wendy on her website at https://www.wendysloneker.com/.
As seen on: |
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
You are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss Podcast with Wendy Sloneker. Hi, this is episode 46. So glad you are here, I'm so glad that I'm with you as well.
So a few months ago, I was at a show it was a wellness, consciousness, metaphysical show, I do those. And I was talking with somebody who, who said something that made me think of you.
This person said, they were really tired of pretending they didn't have the feelings that they had. They were tired of pretending they had no feelings, essentially. And this has stayed with me for a little while. And I've been kind of turning it over and turning it over. And just observing it and looking at it and trying it on. And I was looking for the places in my life where I was surrounded by people who made me made the moment made the time made the everything about them. Even when I was trying to connect and talk about my feelings, they were making it about them, perhaps unconsciously, probably unconsciously, or maybe sometimes consciously, I don't know.
But it really took me to that time of not being able to get a word in or not being able to get a word in is a complete sentence. But then there's also what else that happens inside of that relationship is I begin to feel alone or lonely, or just not seen or heard, or valued. My experience, my process, you know, and I'm not talking about you know, me, be me making it about me, although I used to have real skills in that.
What I'm talking about right now is that there's no room for your experience, there's no room for you to process because whatever it is that you say is either interrupted or chimed in, or distracted from with, let's go get that Starbucks or, you know, as though I wasn't even saying anything important.
So I guess the feeling valued inside of a relationship and respected. Sometimes this does not come easily in certain relationships at all. And that's where, you know, boundaries and communication. And what is the purpose of this relationship may come in now, sometimes is a really rough because sometimes it's the people closest to you who cannot hear you.
It can totally, exhale, grunt with me if you want to, because that is hard. And the person that this this young person was sort of in, in relationship with was was a parent, a parent who couldn't hear her parent who made it all about them. Probably unconsciously, you know, this is painful. And so to be able to talk with someone who will allow for you to have lots of space, for you to say things out loud, for you to actually hear yourself and to release some pressure of what you've been feeling. Especially if you've been pretending you you don't have the feelings that you have.
Oh my gosh, this brings up the the idea that you know, we are not storage containers. We are human beings with loads and loads of soft tissue and a big ol nervous system that is probably active. So this can be really boring. We were actually made to process in, like we process food, we process air into co2, we breathe in, we breathe out, that's a process. We have toenails, fingernails, hair that's growing somewhere on our bodies. And we were not made to store things.
You know, a lot of us, including me, I store a fair amount of food and calories here on my body here on my frame. Is it ideal? No, but this is what happens. And this is true feelings as well. It's similar to, I want to give you the visual of having a dozen backpacks. Jansport, regular size, adult backpacks, for school, maybe, or college, full of river rocks. And they're yours to carry around all the time. This is how emotion builds up and when life happens again. And then again. Excuse me, it's like having another backpack full of river rocks, that is yours to carry. That's how we store them. We store it in our bodies, we store it with stress.
Certainly it's not a physical backpack, or doesn't backpacks that we're carrying around. It actually could be worse because of how we store it in our cells. We over eat to compensate, we over drink to escape and compensate. And this is how emotional weight builds up. And sometimes we because it's easier, pretend that we don't have the feelings that we have. And that we're not carrying all of the losses that we've experienced not because we want to it's because we don't know how to process them.
We haven't been taught we've actually been encouraged to not feel by those around us. This is not what they meant to do. But sometimes it's just easier. For us, this is what I call sending my representative. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm not going to talk to you about it because you can't hear me anyway. But this does not negate the need or your value for needing to have your feelings processed.
Okay, I I've got to have some kind of support somewhere that can hear me. What you may not know about grief and loss and processing grief and loss feelings is witnessing is a big part of actually allowing feelings to release. This was a big bummer for me. Why? Because it meant seeking support, asking for help. Feeling vulnerable in front of or with somebody allowing them in to know me. This is why having some trust with the person that you either work with or talk with is really important. Because you need the help and you need the witness. This is how feelings have been released from me and my body and my heart so I can feel lighter, less worried, less heartbroken, and then make strides from there.
My experience with actually releasing feelings has been different every time. It's grief and feelings of loss leave our body in different ways. Sometimes it's kind of like, oh, did something happened? That doesn't seem to be there anymore. Wow, all of a sudden it's gone. I didn't feel like my body didn't shake or convulse with the feet. healings leaving. Sometimes my butter has shaken and convulsed with a couple of feelings leaving didn't last long. But it was there. Sometimes. It's so slow and progressive. And this has been most of most of my grief processing personally.
Sometimes it's been so slow that I had no idea whether or not anything was happening. And I needed to trust that my body knew what to let go of, I allowed my body to let go of what what was going on there. And then I processed with another person, I asked for help and support. This came in many ways, in some ways it was through a recovery program, or for and in some ways it was through a therapist. In some ways it was through my own later, when I understood and was eager for more specific tools around emotional pain. It was with other practitioners and coaches.
Heck, yeah, I have so much to learn about this still. And part of being a grief coach is to impart and share and give those tools on a custom basis. I've lost track of how many tools I have right now. But I know which ones to offer to my clients in order so that they can get the relief that they need as soon as possible. So they can have a tool that works for them sooner than later.
Even if they were able to know about it, and practice it, even just a little bit, even really badly like I did for all of them. Some of them are really easy, and we start really easy. You get a grief release tool every session. And it's important that you be able to have those tools because if you would have had them sooner, you would have probably used them sooner.
If you're in a season of grief and loss, and heartache and emotional pain, I want to offer that there are simple tools that are available for you to learn from many places. Sure, you can make some up? Absolutely. And they can totally work for you. 100%. And what if that time could be shortened? Like the learning curve is shortened? The tool? Teaching or training is shortened? What if you were able to feel even just a little bit better? One to five to 10% better in a day.
What if that was available for you? Cause it is it totally is. Now that's a bit of a bit of a pause right there. But I really wanted to offer that that people in grief and loss sometimes have loops of feelings like loops of thoughts and feelings that begin to feel more real and more scary as time goes by.
Specifically the thought, am I ever gonna stop feeling this way? Is that ever gonna happen? Like this loop this thought can repeat so many times and the feelings of pain can increase and intensify that in your brain this can totally become a belief. One where you eventually instead of asking yourself the question, Am I ever going to stop feeling this one it becomes I am always going to feel this way. And our brains are kind of magical and somewhat sneaky. When it comes to having thoughts that turn into beliefs just by frequency of repair and repetition.
I'm here to hold that space for you that you don't have to feel this way anymore. And this is what I do for my clients. This is why they get the results that they do, of being able to feel lighter, to manage their minds to release, some of those backpacks pull the river rocks and go on with life in a way that is more lighthearted and still holds all of the love for the time that they had the loved one they had the life experience they had.
This is possible for you to I don't think you hear that very often. I don't think we promote that in our society. What if it was a little bit easier, and you had all the tools with a little bit of support? Life is already short. This is hard enough. The good news is if you are tired of pretending to not have the feelings that you're having. You can learn something new with somebody new. That can be me. That could be another practitioner.
But I'm inviting you to consider working with me directly. And for 12 weeks. Over the course of three months. It can be exciting. It can also be scary. And what if you're supported? What if you had all the support that you needed? For exactly that time?
This is what I offer. This is what I'm thinking about when I'm thinking about you this week. Thank you for being here and listening and for considering.
Okay, I'll talk to you again next week. It's gonna be so good. Okay, take sweet sweet care. Bye.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me. For you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it.
Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you.
Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. Till then, take really good care.
Bye bye
You are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss Podcast with Wendy Sloneker. Hi, this is episode 46. So glad you are here, I'm so glad that I'm with you as well.
So a few months ago, I was at a show it was a wellness, consciousness, metaphysical show, I do those. And I was talking with somebody who, who said something that made me think of you.
This person said, they were really tired of pretending they didn't have the feelings that they had. They were tired of pretending they had no feelings, essentially. And this has stayed with me for a little while. And I've been kind of turning it over and turning it over. And just observing it and looking at it and trying it on. And I was looking for the places in my life where I was surrounded by people who made me made the moment made the time made the everything about them. Even when I was trying to connect and talk about my feelings, they were making it about them, perhaps unconsciously, probably unconsciously, or maybe sometimes consciously, I don't know.
But it really took me to that time of not being able to get a word in or not being able to get a word in is a complete sentence. But then there's also what else that happens inside of that relationship is I begin to feel alone or lonely, or just not seen or heard, or valued. My experience, my process, you know, and I'm not talking about you know, me, be me making it about me, although I used to have real skills in that.
What I'm talking about right now is that there's no room for your experience, there's no room for you to process because whatever it is that you say is either interrupted or chimed in, or distracted from with, let's go get that Starbucks or, you know, as though I wasn't even saying anything important.
So I guess the feeling valued inside of a relationship and respected. Sometimes this does not come easily in certain relationships at all. And that's where, you know, boundaries and communication. And what is the purpose of this relationship may come in now, sometimes is a really rough because sometimes it's the people closest to you who cannot hear you.
It can totally, exhale, grunt with me if you want to, because that is hard. And the person that this this young person was sort of in, in relationship with was was a parent, a parent who couldn't hear her parent who made it all about them. Probably unconsciously, you know, this is painful. And so to be able to talk with someone who will allow for you to have lots of space, for you to say things out loud, for you to actually hear yourself and to release some pressure of what you've been feeling. Especially if you've been pretending you you don't have the feelings that you have.
Oh my gosh, this brings up the the idea that you know, we are not storage containers. We are human beings with loads and loads of soft tissue and a big ol nervous system that is probably active. So this can be really boring. We were actually made to process in, like we process food, we process air into co2, we breathe in, we breathe out, that's a process. We have toenails, fingernails, hair that's growing somewhere on our bodies. And we were not made to store things.
You know, a lot of us, including me, I store a fair amount of food and calories here on my body here on my frame. Is it ideal? No, but this is what happens. And this is true feelings as well. It's similar to, I want to give you the visual of having a dozen backpacks. Jansport, regular size, adult backpacks, for school, maybe, or college, full of river rocks. And they're yours to carry around all the time. This is how emotion builds up and when life happens again. And then again. Excuse me, it's like having another backpack full of river rocks, that is yours to carry. That's how we store them. We store it in our bodies, we store it with stress.
Certainly it's not a physical backpack, or doesn't backpacks that we're carrying around. It actually could be worse because of how we store it in our cells. We over eat to compensate, we over drink to escape and compensate. And this is how emotional weight builds up. And sometimes we because it's easier, pretend that we don't have the feelings that we have. And that we're not carrying all of the losses that we've experienced not because we want to it's because we don't know how to process them.
We haven't been taught we've actually been encouraged to not feel by those around us. This is not what they meant to do. But sometimes it's just easier. For us, this is what I call sending my representative. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm not going to talk to you about it because you can't hear me anyway. But this does not negate the need or your value for needing to have your feelings processed.
Okay, I I've got to have some kind of support somewhere that can hear me. What you may not know about grief and loss and processing grief and loss feelings is witnessing is a big part of actually allowing feelings to release. This was a big bummer for me. Why? Because it meant seeking support, asking for help. Feeling vulnerable in front of or with somebody allowing them in to know me. This is why having some trust with the person that you either work with or talk with is really important. Because you need the help and you need the witness. This is how feelings have been released from me and my body and my heart so I can feel lighter, less worried, less heartbroken, and then make strides from there.
My experience with actually releasing feelings has been different every time. It's grief and feelings of loss leave our body in different ways. Sometimes it's kind of like, oh, did something happened? That doesn't seem to be there anymore. Wow, all of a sudden it's gone. I didn't feel like my body didn't shake or convulse with the feet. healings leaving. Sometimes my butter has shaken and convulsed with a couple of feelings leaving didn't last long. But it was there. Sometimes. It's so slow and progressive. And this has been most of most of my grief processing personally.
Sometimes it's been so slow that I had no idea whether or not anything was happening. And I needed to trust that my body knew what to let go of, I allowed my body to let go of what what was going on there. And then I processed with another person, I asked for help and support. This came in many ways, in some ways it was through a recovery program, or for and in some ways it was through a therapist. In some ways it was through my own later, when I understood and was eager for more specific tools around emotional pain. It was with other practitioners and coaches.
Heck, yeah, I have so much to learn about this still. And part of being a grief coach is to impart and share and give those tools on a custom basis. I've lost track of how many tools I have right now. But I know which ones to offer to my clients in order so that they can get the relief that they need as soon as possible. So they can have a tool that works for them sooner than later.
Even if they were able to know about it, and practice it, even just a little bit, even really badly like I did for all of them. Some of them are really easy, and we start really easy. You get a grief release tool every session. And it's important that you be able to have those tools because if you would have had them sooner, you would have probably used them sooner.
If you're in a season of grief and loss, and heartache and emotional pain, I want to offer that there are simple tools that are available for you to learn from many places. Sure, you can make some up? Absolutely. And they can totally work for you. 100%. And what if that time could be shortened? Like the learning curve is shortened? The tool? Teaching or training is shortened? What if you were able to feel even just a little bit better? One to five to 10% better in a day.
What if that was available for you? Cause it is it totally is. Now that's a bit of a bit of a pause right there. But I really wanted to offer that that people in grief and loss sometimes have loops of feelings like loops of thoughts and feelings that begin to feel more real and more scary as time goes by.
Specifically the thought, am I ever gonna stop feeling this way? Is that ever gonna happen? Like this loop this thought can repeat so many times and the feelings of pain can increase and intensify that in your brain this can totally become a belief. One where you eventually instead of asking yourself the question, Am I ever going to stop feeling this one it becomes I am always going to feel this way. And our brains are kind of magical and somewhat sneaky. When it comes to having thoughts that turn into beliefs just by frequency of repair and repetition.
I'm here to hold that space for you that you don't have to feel this way anymore. And this is what I do for my clients. This is why they get the results that they do, of being able to feel lighter, to manage their minds to release, some of those backpacks pull the river rocks and go on with life in a way that is more lighthearted and still holds all of the love for the time that they had the loved one they had the life experience they had.
This is possible for you to I don't think you hear that very often. I don't think we promote that in our society. What if it was a little bit easier, and you had all the tools with a little bit of support? Life is already short. This is hard enough. The good news is if you are tired of pretending to not have the feelings that you're having. You can learn something new with somebody new. That can be me. That could be another practitioner.
But I'm inviting you to consider working with me directly. And for 12 weeks. Over the course of three months. It can be exciting. It can also be scary. And what if you're supported? What if you had all the support that you needed? For exactly that time?
This is what I offer. This is what I'm thinking about when I'm thinking about you this week. Thank you for being here and listening and for considering.
Okay, I'll talk to you again next week. It's gonna be so good. Okay, take sweet sweet care. Bye.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me. For you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it.
Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together. If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you.
Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up. Heck yeah, we will. Till then, take really good care.
Bye bye
