Episode 42: For Long-Ass Days, Weeks, & Months in Loss and Grief
Does a phrase, a song, a scent, even a number trigger a sweet or silly memory for you?
Triggering memories Those moments of nostalgia can be an opportunity to take a moment out of grief or sadness and remember some sweetness. And when the weird wibbly wobblyness of grief-time can make a single day stretch forever, a moment of respite should be welcomed with open arms and an open heart. Allow a Slide of Sun "Dip a toe into a different feeling," says Grief Coach Wendy Sloneker, even if it's just for a moment. Allow a slice of sun to permeate. |
You are Invited
If you're struggling with unmanaged grief or other emotions, please have a listen and then contact Wendy at https://www.wendysloneker.com/ to schedule a complimentary consultation. Then please share this podcast with someone else who could use it.
If you're struggling with unmanaged grief or other emotions, please have a listen and then contact Wendy at https://www.wendysloneker.com/ to schedule a complimentary consultation. Then please share this podcast with someone else who could use it.
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
Hello, you are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss podcast with Wendy Sloneker. This happens to be episode 42.
Hello, again, hello and hello again. Episode 42 It's kind of funny, this was my wife's 42nd birthday was one where I spent a lot of time and energy and care and just wanted to share that 42 kind of means something to me because of what it meant to her as a great big Doctor Who fan. I didn't really know what that meant, I still don't get it on a totally you know, 100% right there level. But 42 was something that I paused on for her. And I endeavored to make it really special. And it kind of stuck with me. Not something I would have ever seen coming, but there it is, and, and that's what happened.
So I didn't know I was just gonna say that, honestly. But allowing for that memory to come forward and to share it even just a little bit is something that is it? Well, it brought about just a little moment of sweetness for me. And sharing it with you like you may or may not be Doctor Who fans you may our Doctor Who fans in your life or not. But remembering little moments and allowing for those sort of segues in your day can be helpful ways of spending and passing time.
Today's episode is all about. Like the days, weeks and months that feel like they just won't end. This can be especially difficult at night, this can be especially difficult in the morning time, this can be especially difficult in the afternoon. There are times in a season of grief and loss when the days are just long ass days just really like was I always in this day. I think I've had 16 months inside of today. And it's 8:19am on a Thursday.
These are one I want to I want to offer to you that this is a part of grief and loss like time gets real weird. Sometimes it can pass real fast. And sometimes it passes really slowly. So having like a little allowance for Hey, I'm going to remember something or I'm going to come across something that's going to remind me of something sweet from my past or an experience from my past or shared best.
This is okay, I want to offer a couple of other thoughts for these long ass days, weeks and months in loss and grief as well. Because honestly, that's what I'm going through right now just in terms of integrating a lot of change, navigating, you know, things that are new places that are new. My uncle Mike I mentioned last week he died and is no longer on the planet. And it's just also been something to get used to that he's not on the planet. I didn't speak with him often. But it still doesn't quite make sense to my brain that he's not here because up until two weeks ago Monday, he was always here. He was here before I got here. And so allowing for that to just go ahead and be a part of the experience even though it's a little uncomfortable. I don't really like it.
Some of you may be experiencing, you know, not having a loved one who's been there for a long time or been there for all time that you know, kind of like my uncle Mike like they were here before you got here. You may be experiencing like new roles that you're uncomfortable with and maybe didn't ask for. Perhaps you're newly single, or re single parent, and you've never been here before done this before.
You may have been in the job or an industry for a long, long time, like most of your career, and you're recently or lately out of it. And it still just doesn't quite feel comfortable or natural. These can make for some really long as days, weeks and months.
Now, I want to, I want you to be on the lookout for something that may be going on in your brain, in your mind. And it can be a pervasive and persistent repeated thought that says, I'm always going to feel this way. Like it's always going to feel this long or this charged or this uncomfortable, this unfamiliar. I want to argue that because while it feels real in the moment, we do not know what's always going to happen. And if we look back, and this is just an attempt to show our brain and your mind, like hey, when I've gone through other things, or similar things did I always was I always feeling this way.
Did I always feel only one way? Don't we're actually wired as human beings to, like, feel many different ways based on our attention, and what we're attracted to or even magnetized, like where our focus goes. So did I always feel only one way? That's a no, that's 100% No, when feelings Sorry, I'm shuffling around a little bit. When feelings get pushed aside, they'll want to they'll tend to come back because they need to be felt.
So allowing for like that little distraction I had about 42 Like that can be a way of sort of dipping a toe into a different feeling by having some thoughts about something else. Anything else, honestly, can be about like stupid television, it can be about potential snacks it lately I'm interested in learning how to make Japanese quick pickles. And like this can be okay, like allowing for small segments, little slices and slivers of curiosity to permeate is going to help you and it's also going to show your brain oh my gosh, even for a few minutes, I may feel a little bit different. You may go back to feeling some heaviness, some like like time is passing really slowly, but not making that a problem.
Here's my second tip. Not making that a problem is also going to allow for time to move. Just move the way it's going to move. Now what I say to myself is this is after like a long time of making it a problem is at some point this day is going to end at some point this day is going to end some people like there's lots of ways of passing time. You know, drinking alcohol for me ended in 2004. So I I was not using I'm not using alcohol to spend my time or to check out I'm using other things like sometimes I'll use some Netflix or Disney emoji blades. I've been like mentioning that in the podcast and so allowing for there to be some distraction, some frivolous time getting spent, this is fine. I will share that we in our society tend to over index the value of productivity.
This isn't to say there aren't there are plenty of important things you know that that get to be done that need to be done. And brakes will help shake up your mindset a little bit as well as offer have space for rest. Because pushing is something that's part of sort of the productivity, culture and hustle and value. And we don't always have capacity for that in grief and loss, having some capacity, sure, but allowing for there to be some balance between a distraction, some rest, and then some intentional effort.
Intentional effort can totally include some productive things that you'll just feel great about. For me, it's recording, like I love spending time with you, and, and chatting with you. But the anticipation of recording a podcast is not always my favorite. Similar to like, the anticipation of exercising is not always my favorite. The exercise itself, once I get started, great, the anticipation I frequently don't love it. So productivity and some, well, in this case, let's just go ahead and say, intentional effort, it doesn't have to be, you know, arduous or fifth gear or super anything, it can be some intentional effort, like vacuuming or taking a shower or taking a shower. And brushing your teeth like that brushing your teeth piece can be like kind of the the hard work, depending on what is going on with you. And where you're at this is how individual it is.
So big on to yourself about the thought, like, Is this happening where I'm thinking, I'm always gonna feel this way? How can I show my brain and my mind that this is actually not true? One. I felt lots of things. Even since you know, a grief event or a loss event has happened. You may have been annoyed with someone for what they said or did or didn't say or didn't do. And annoyance is different than grief. What? Yeah, you may have felt tired, and tired can feel different than I'm sorry, I just got distracted. I'm gonna start over there.
Tired can feel it can be a part of grief and loss. But it can also be different from like physically tired. There, there's emotionally tired as well, I'm mentally tired, where, you know, just trying things on trying different emotions on and letting your brain know that. Oh, hey, you know, I felt actually lots of things. And some of them have not been really fun at all. If this is the case, like what would be even remotely interesting, or anything but that, like, how do I like what am I interested in to the point that it's not going to be the same feeling over here? Sometimes boredom is a little bit welcome. Instead of grief, feeling a little bit bored. There's nothing wrong. Like, you don't have to make boredom a problem either in our productivity focused world. You don't some minutes of boredom, great. Maybe we need it. Maybe it is a distraction from feeling grief or loss. And so observing your feelings and allowing them to happen is really something we've never been taught. But it's also really useful.
Letting your brain know and coming to the understanding that actually yeah, I've felt many things while I've been in this season. If something's missing, like curiosity or even mild interest, then go toward that because having a few minutes, even a few minutes of feeling mildly interested or remotely interested in something is different from grief. And you know, what I don't want to do and when I hear a lot of clients doing it Is there repeatedly and constantly telling themselves, they will only ever feel this way.
We're actually wired for many other things, and you can feel a couple of different things. And have both be true even if it seems like they're conflicting. Even if it seems like, it may feel disloyal, it's it's not it's it's feeling doesn't have to mean anything. And some days are really long, like what I was saying earlier about time getting really different or weird. This is kind of whole body just trying to protect itself. While it makes sense of either a big change or multiple changes.
I'm dealing with multiple changes, since we last recorded the apartment building where I live. The basement parking lot got flooded with raw sewage. And so it's funny now, it was not funny on Sunday night when it was happening. And like the stench was just tremendous. So oh, this is happening in real life, like, distracting Yes, it was tired a few days later. Yes, I am. Days are feeling really long. I've had other big changes going on in my life. And this is like, none of it is wrong. But it is totally happening. And there is kind of an energetic cost to it.
And so allowing for that to happen is okay, this day, and this sort of season will eventually end similar to like, have you ever been really looking forward to something like a winter holiday? When it's you know, July and you're asking your parents, I grew up with the Christian Christmas tradition. So you're asking your parents, like, how many days till Christmas? And they're like, oh, a lot. It seems like forever, until that that event is gonna just come to pass. And it's hard to wait. And you're telling yourself how hard it is to wait, well, this is making it harder. Right? Having the alternative thought or the additional thought of, you know, eventually, it's going to be that day, eventually, that's going to happen and allowing for that is a it doesn't sound different. It's subtly different, but it can feel radically different.
Because then there's nothing wrong, it's eventually going to be that day, but it's not that day to day. It's eventually going to shift this feeling's eventually going to shift but it hasn't shifted yet. What can I do? What can I do? Or can I just do what would be the tiniest thing that I could manage, just for today, in order to feel a little bit better about myself and about my situation. If you can't think of anything, this is not a problem. This is also not a problem, it can't be a problem.
Well, it can be a problem, that is totally an option. It doesn't have to be, it does not have to be a problem that you can't think of anything that would make you feel even just a little bit better. If that's the case for you, I'm going to ask you to wait and allow something to come forward. Or give yourself like some tiny menial thing to do like stand outside for three minutes. Or walk down a block you haven't been down in either a long time or ever before. This can be you know, before or during work. It can be on your lunch, it can be like what would be something different than I haven't done that could either take me down a different path or allow for my time to be spent in a different way.
Even the tiniest of different ways. If you work in a job like trying to put your hands on the keyboard just a little bit differently. Like it can be the tiniest, what seems to be the dumbest thing. But it can still count when you count it. It's not a problem. And how can I go ahead and stay with myself and put my attention in a little different way. So that it can be a little bit different. And I'm not just sitting in this heaviness passively and waiting for it to go.
I know this is not active grief stuff, but it is a way of working with your mind. In order to tell yourself something different about your situation or your circumstance, it's not a problem. This day is eventually going to end. What can I do that I've never done before? Or haven't done in a long time that would produce even the tiniest of different results? Am I tying my shoes in a different way? Am I looking at a different clock than I normally do? Am I changing the the voice on my Siri, you know, or Alexa or whatever thing so that it's different, even in the smallest of ways counts when we count it. And I totally count it, because it's more fun. And it moves me along. And it helps me process.
Thanks for being along for this ride with me and for spending a little bit of time with me. Like I said, I really love hanging out. And having a little bit of conversation, even if it feels one sided. At the moment of recording, I totally know you're there. And this is for you.
Incidentally, if you'd like to spend a little bit more time maybe during this upcoming holiday season, please connect with me. And and let's talk about the holiday Heart Healing Group program, I'm looking for 13 people. And we're going to spend 13 weeks one session each week together. And we're going to just be together you're going to learn a lot about processing emotion. Even even the most recent ones or really, really old ones.
We're gonna, we're gonna totally talk about guilt as well. And shame, which I'm learning a lot about. It's going to be an exciting and supportive and manageable holiday season. For me in this group, and I would love it, if you would give a call and let's talk about whether or not it's a good fit for you to to join the group will be so great. Even the call will be so great.
Thanks for spending a little time with me. And until next episode, take really sweet care. Okay.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together.
If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to repeat these, how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you.
Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up.
Heck yeah, we will. All right. Till then take really good care.
Bye bye
Hello, you are listening to the Heart Healing from Loss podcast with Wendy Sloneker. This happens to be episode 42.
Hello, again, hello and hello again. Episode 42 It's kind of funny, this was my wife's 42nd birthday was one where I spent a lot of time and energy and care and just wanted to share that 42 kind of means something to me because of what it meant to her as a great big Doctor Who fan. I didn't really know what that meant, I still don't get it on a totally you know, 100% right there level. But 42 was something that I paused on for her. And I endeavored to make it really special. And it kind of stuck with me. Not something I would have ever seen coming, but there it is, and, and that's what happened.
So I didn't know I was just gonna say that, honestly. But allowing for that memory to come forward and to share it even just a little bit is something that is it? Well, it brought about just a little moment of sweetness for me. And sharing it with you like you may or may not be Doctor Who fans you may our Doctor Who fans in your life or not. But remembering little moments and allowing for those sort of segues in your day can be helpful ways of spending and passing time.
Today's episode is all about. Like the days, weeks and months that feel like they just won't end. This can be especially difficult at night, this can be especially difficult in the morning time, this can be especially difficult in the afternoon. There are times in a season of grief and loss when the days are just long ass days just really like was I always in this day. I think I've had 16 months inside of today. And it's 8:19am on a Thursday.
These are one I want to I want to offer to you that this is a part of grief and loss like time gets real weird. Sometimes it can pass real fast. And sometimes it passes really slowly. So having like a little allowance for Hey, I'm going to remember something or I'm going to come across something that's going to remind me of something sweet from my past or an experience from my past or shared best.
This is okay, I want to offer a couple of other thoughts for these long ass days, weeks and months in loss and grief as well. Because honestly, that's what I'm going through right now just in terms of integrating a lot of change, navigating, you know, things that are new places that are new. My uncle Mike I mentioned last week he died and is no longer on the planet. And it's just also been something to get used to that he's not on the planet. I didn't speak with him often. But it still doesn't quite make sense to my brain that he's not here because up until two weeks ago Monday, he was always here. He was here before I got here. And so allowing for that to just go ahead and be a part of the experience even though it's a little uncomfortable. I don't really like it.
Some of you may be experiencing, you know, not having a loved one who's been there for a long time or been there for all time that you know, kind of like my uncle Mike like they were here before you got here. You may be experiencing like new roles that you're uncomfortable with and maybe didn't ask for. Perhaps you're newly single, or re single parent, and you've never been here before done this before.
You may have been in the job or an industry for a long, long time, like most of your career, and you're recently or lately out of it. And it still just doesn't quite feel comfortable or natural. These can make for some really long as days, weeks and months.
Now, I want to, I want you to be on the lookout for something that may be going on in your brain, in your mind. And it can be a pervasive and persistent repeated thought that says, I'm always going to feel this way. Like it's always going to feel this long or this charged or this uncomfortable, this unfamiliar. I want to argue that because while it feels real in the moment, we do not know what's always going to happen. And if we look back, and this is just an attempt to show our brain and your mind, like hey, when I've gone through other things, or similar things did I always was I always feeling this way.
Did I always feel only one way? Don't we're actually wired as human beings to, like, feel many different ways based on our attention, and what we're attracted to or even magnetized, like where our focus goes. So did I always feel only one way? That's a no, that's 100% No, when feelings Sorry, I'm shuffling around a little bit. When feelings get pushed aside, they'll want to they'll tend to come back because they need to be felt.
So allowing for like that little distraction I had about 42 Like that can be a way of sort of dipping a toe into a different feeling by having some thoughts about something else. Anything else, honestly, can be about like stupid television, it can be about potential snacks it lately I'm interested in learning how to make Japanese quick pickles. And like this can be okay, like allowing for small segments, little slices and slivers of curiosity to permeate is going to help you and it's also going to show your brain oh my gosh, even for a few minutes, I may feel a little bit different. You may go back to feeling some heaviness, some like like time is passing really slowly, but not making that a problem.
Here's my second tip. Not making that a problem is also going to allow for time to move. Just move the way it's going to move. Now what I say to myself is this is after like a long time of making it a problem is at some point this day is going to end at some point this day is going to end some people like there's lots of ways of passing time. You know, drinking alcohol for me ended in 2004. So I I was not using I'm not using alcohol to spend my time or to check out I'm using other things like sometimes I'll use some Netflix or Disney emoji blades. I've been like mentioning that in the podcast and so allowing for there to be some distraction, some frivolous time getting spent, this is fine. I will share that we in our society tend to over index the value of productivity.
This isn't to say there aren't there are plenty of important things you know that that get to be done that need to be done. And brakes will help shake up your mindset a little bit as well as offer have space for rest. Because pushing is something that's part of sort of the productivity, culture and hustle and value. And we don't always have capacity for that in grief and loss, having some capacity, sure, but allowing for there to be some balance between a distraction, some rest, and then some intentional effort.
Intentional effort can totally include some productive things that you'll just feel great about. For me, it's recording, like I love spending time with you, and, and chatting with you. But the anticipation of recording a podcast is not always my favorite. Similar to like, the anticipation of exercising is not always my favorite. The exercise itself, once I get started, great, the anticipation I frequently don't love it. So productivity and some, well, in this case, let's just go ahead and say, intentional effort, it doesn't have to be, you know, arduous or fifth gear or super anything, it can be some intentional effort, like vacuuming or taking a shower or taking a shower. And brushing your teeth like that brushing your teeth piece can be like kind of the the hard work, depending on what is going on with you. And where you're at this is how individual it is.
So big on to yourself about the thought, like, Is this happening where I'm thinking, I'm always gonna feel this way? How can I show my brain and my mind that this is actually not true? One. I felt lots of things. Even since you know, a grief event or a loss event has happened. You may have been annoyed with someone for what they said or did or didn't say or didn't do. And annoyance is different than grief. What? Yeah, you may have felt tired, and tired can feel different than I'm sorry, I just got distracted. I'm gonna start over there.
Tired can feel it can be a part of grief and loss. But it can also be different from like physically tired. There, there's emotionally tired as well, I'm mentally tired, where, you know, just trying things on trying different emotions on and letting your brain know that. Oh, hey, you know, I felt actually lots of things. And some of them have not been really fun at all. If this is the case, like what would be even remotely interesting, or anything but that, like, how do I like what am I interested in to the point that it's not going to be the same feeling over here? Sometimes boredom is a little bit welcome. Instead of grief, feeling a little bit bored. There's nothing wrong. Like, you don't have to make boredom a problem either in our productivity focused world. You don't some minutes of boredom, great. Maybe we need it. Maybe it is a distraction from feeling grief or loss. And so observing your feelings and allowing them to happen is really something we've never been taught. But it's also really useful.
Letting your brain know and coming to the understanding that actually yeah, I've felt many things while I've been in this season. If something's missing, like curiosity or even mild interest, then go toward that because having a few minutes, even a few minutes of feeling mildly interested or remotely interested in something is different from grief. And you know, what I don't want to do and when I hear a lot of clients doing it Is there repeatedly and constantly telling themselves, they will only ever feel this way.
We're actually wired for many other things, and you can feel a couple of different things. And have both be true even if it seems like they're conflicting. Even if it seems like, it may feel disloyal, it's it's not it's it's feeling doesn't have to mean anything. And some days are really long, like what I was saying earlier about time getting really different or weird. This is kind of whole body just trying to protect itself. While it makes sense of either a big change or multiple changes.
I'm dealing with multiple changes, since we last recorded the apartment building where I live. The basement parking lot got flooded with raw sewage. And so it's funny now, it was not funny on Sunday night when it was happening. And like the stench was just tremendous. So oh, this is happening in real life, like, distracting Yes, it was tired a few days later. Yes, I am. Days are feeling really long. I've had other big changes going on in my life. And this is like, none of it is wrong. But it is totally happening. And there is kind of an energetic cost to it.
And so allowing for that to happen is okay, this day, and this sort of season will eventually end similar to like, have you ever been really looking forward to something like a winter holiday? When it's you know, July and you're asking your parents, I grew up with the Christian Christmas tradition. So you're asking your parents, like, how many days till Christmas? And they're like, oh, a lot. It seems like forever, until that that event is gonna just come to pass. And it's hard to wait. And you're telling yourself how hard it is to wait, well, this is making it harder. Right? Having the alternative thought or the additional thought of, you know, eventually, it's going to be that day, eventually, that's going to happen and allowing for that is a it doesn't sound different. It's subtly different, but it can feel radically different.
Because then there's nothing wrong, it's eventually going to be that day, but it's not that day to day. It's eventually going to shift this feeling's eventually going to shift but it hasn't shifted yet. What can I do? What can I do? Or can I just do what would be the tiniest thing that I could manage, just for today, in order to feel a little bit better about myself and about my situation. If you can't think of anything, this is not a problem. This is also not a problem, it can't be a problem.
Well, it can be a problem, that is totally an option. It doesn't have to be, it does not have to be a problem that you can't think of anything that would make you feel even just a little bit better. If that's the case for you, I'm going to ask you to wait and allow something to come forward. Or give yourself like some tiny menial thing to do like stand outside for three minutes. Or walk down a block you haven't been down in either a long time or ever before. This can be you know, before or during work. It can be on your lunch, it can be like what would be something different than I haven't done that could either take me down a different path or allow for my time to be spent in a different way.
Even the tiniest of different ways. If you work in a job like trying to put your hands on the keyboard just a little bit differently. Like it can be the tiniest, what seems to be the dumbest thing. But it can still count when you count it. It's not a problem. And how can I go ahead and stay with myself and put my attention in a little different way. So that it can be a little bit different. And I'm not just sitting in this heaviness passively and waiting for it to go.
I know this is not active grief stuff, but it is a way of working with your mind. In order to tell yourself something different about your situation or your circumstance, it's not a problem. This day is eventually going to end. What can I do that I've never done before? Or haven't done in a long time that would produce even the tiniest of different results? Am I tying my shoes in a different way? Am I looking at a different clock than I normally do? Am I changing the the voice on my Siri, you know, or Alexa or whatever thing so that it's different, even in the smallest of ways counts when we count it. And I totally count it, because it's more fun. And it moves me along. And it helps me process.
Thanks for being along for this ride with me and for spending a little bit of time with me. Like I said, I really love hanging out. And having a little bit of conversation, even if it feels one sided. At the moment of recording, I totally know you're there. And this is for you.
Incidentally, if you'd like to spend a little bit more time maybe during this upcoming holiday season, please connect with me. And and let's talk about the holiday Heart Healing Group program, I'm looking for 13 people. And we're going to spend 13 weeks one session each week together. And we're going to just be together you're going to learn a lot about processing emotion. Even even the most recent ones or really, really old ones.
We're gonna, we're gonna totally talk about guilt as well. And shame, which I'm learning a lot about. It's going to be an exciting and supportive and manageable holiday season. For me in this group, and I would love it, if you would give a call and let's talk about whether or not it's a good fit for you to to join the group will be so great. Even the call will be so great.
Thanks for spending a little time with me. And until next episode, take really sweet care. Okay.
Hi, this is Wendy, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me for you. Yeah, the whole purpose of walking through grief and loss is to find out how to feel better. Did you know there are tools and skills to be learned about how to do this? Yeah, for real, and I do it. Let's get on a connection call. It's a 45 minute free call. We'd love to offer to you when you're ready. And we'll just see if we'd be a good fit to work together.
If you're ready for a little more support, and not less, and if you're ready to feel a little bit better. And to find out how to repeat these, how to learn these tools and skills. I'm ready for you.
Reach out through my website. Connect with me directly through [email protected] and we'll set it up.
Heck yeah, we will. All right. Till then take really good care.
Bye bye