Episode 37: Taking the Pressure Off When You Don't Know How You Feel
Grief and loss and change can come with a whole tangle of emotions — sometimes so tangled, it's difficult to sort them all out and identify each one.
That's OK. You don't have to. Taking the pressure off when you don't really know how you feel is an important way of giving yourself a break. If someone asks you, or even if it's just you asking yourself, "How are you feeling?" it's OK not to have or give an answer. Articulating Your Feelings Sometimes Feels Impossible Grief Coach Wendy Sloneker takes us through why feeling the emotions can be hard enough and articulating them might feel impossible — and why you don't owe anyone an explanation. |
You are Invited
If you're having a hard time putting words to the feelings in your gut and heart, have a listen. Then consider setting up a complimentary consultation with Wendy to explore those feelings and learn how to manage them. You can find her at her website, wendysloneker.com.
If you're having a hard time putting words to the feelings in your gut and heart, have a listen. Then consider setting up a complimentary consultation with Wendy to explore those feelings and learn how to manage them. You can find her at her website, wendysloneker.com.
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
You are listening to the heart healing from loss podcast with Wendy Sloneker. This is episode 37.
Hi everybody. It's just me today I know I've been bringing in some excellent guests as gifts. Just your way these last couple of weeks. And so I just thought you and I would talk today, just us just for a little bit. It’s been so nice to see some of you over on Facebook for my Monday visits. That's been really fun, where I go live just about once a week. Pretty much once a week, let's just say that. And so it's been lovely and delightful to meet some of you over there. If you're not there yet, please go ahead and trot on over and we can have visits together there as well you're invited. That's what I'm trying to say. Here invited.
Today, I thought we might talk just a little bit about taking the pressure off. When you don't know how you feel. Often this is something that is a natural phenomenon in the human body and mind. Where it's society, sometimes we put a lot of pressure on knowing what the words are, or having the words and for some of us, me included, this can feel really confronting. And I feel sometimes intimidated when I don't have the words.
Now I've been doing this for a little while. So it's okay for me to take a little bit of time, even though I've been doing this for a while to get to know how I really feel. So I just wanted to offer a little bit of time and space around, not needing to know, having a general sense is good enough. Not wanting to talk about it right away is also 100% appropriate and fine.
Other people may not really like that. But and it's also okay, if you don't know, hey, I'll get back to you. I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling right now I don't really understand it myself. It doesn't feel particularly good. And I'm not going to pressure myself to come up with some words, when it already feels bad. You don't have to. That's really the thing is taking the pressure off. When you don't know how you feel is to let yourself know. And maybe that voice that is loud inside your mind. Hey, we don't have to know.
I'm getting a general sense that it's unpleasant. Not my favorite. rather not be feeling it anyway. So I kind of don't want to be clear about it. This is okay. This is okay. No need to muddy it up with pressure and judgment. Or a feeling of inadequacy if you just don't feel like a word is going to come to you right away. There's, it's absolutely hard enough as it is. The word will come maybe later. But it doesn't have to be here right now.
So if you are having a loud voice inside your mind that is demanding that you must know right now and it's very urgent. Hey, go ahead and just listen to this voice that says you don't have to know. You know, somewhere inside you. And when the word is ready to come up. It'll be there. But you don't have to go into detail. You don't have to know. You don't have to have something like some big literary paper about it.
Nope. Nope. No, you don't. It's hard enough. So taking the pressure off means allowing, you know, it's kind of like, having a feeling the words that can come are. It's kind of awful. It's kind of sad or it's kind of like I don't actually know, kind of a fog, kind of gray and viscous kind of like a good Seattle fall day. It's gray. It's foggy. There's a lot of moisture in the air. And it's it's just kind of damp and heavy. You can describe it like the weather if you want, you can, it's okay, if nothing comes to you.
One thing that I like to try just for my own, not if anybody else is asking me, but just for my own sense. If I don't know how I'm feeling, I can't put a word to it. This is something that was taught to me by Maura Barclay, who's a phenomenal transformational coach. Check her out. She advised, hey, does it feel like it's going to open? Is this a feeling that opens you up? Or is it something that is closing you down, and she had talked about it in terms of expansion, or contraction, and in grief and loss, it's really common and natural, and appropriate and okay, and acceptable, to feel a sense of contraction of closing of this is not a word, but smallening. Like getting smaller shrinking, sort of pulling in.
These are okay, having a sense of that's good enough. Having a sense of expansion could be something that is kind of a goal, or you allow yourself a lot of rest and gentleness, and to put half an eyeball out for a moment that feels expansive. You may not be there, you may think that this is not something that's going to ever be available. But I want to hold a little bit of time and space for you right here that says there's going to be a moment where the feelings are going to go ahead and process to a point where expansion is an option. An expansive feeling is an option.
And you can even sort of dive into your memories. And look for moments that have felt expansive, they may be unrelated to the loss that you're experiencing. It may have just been a time of joyful learning, or just have fun morning, or a book that changed your life online or a quote or a meme. That was so poignant that it just gave you an opening.
Now this can include some laughter. I know. It's difficult sometimes to come up with laughter when you feel like, hey, from here, I don't think I'm getting there. Totally get it. Totally get it. And there may be a time when the feelings have processed to a point where laughter becomes an option. Because everyone please listen to me when I say that. Laughter is also a release. It's also a release. Just like tears, just like anger, just like other feelings. Like when we process them. That's part of the feeling is there's a release. You're doing it.
And we fellow humans, we are processors. We are not storage containers, although we have a habit of storing our feelings. So this is a short episode today. And I think it's a good one because you may be applying pressure where one it's not needed to. It's hard enough. And three, you may not even realize you don't have to know how you feel. You can but you don't have to. And if you had a sense of whether or not it helps you, what you're going through right now is a moment of openness or a moment of closedness, expansion, or contraction.
This is enough. It's enough to know when we judge ourselves, it just ends up being extra muddy. Then we got to undo it a little bit later anyway, so you don't have to even go there. It's enough. And you're enough. 100%.
That's what I have for you today. As I'm thinking of you, I hope that you will come back for an either episode, or all of them, because that would be so fun. And definitely do join me in the Monday visits on Facebook. It'll be so delightful to have you there as well.
Okay, take sweet care of your sweet self. I'll talk to you next week, okay bye.
Hi, it's Wendy, thank you so much for listening. If something resonated or stuck out or sort of hummed with you in this episode, and you want to either talk more about it, or have me talk more about it, let's schedule a connection call.
It could be that you are ready to learn how to release emotional pain. That sounds great. It's great to do and it's great on the other side, regardless, you're invited. So if you think it's time for a free 30 minute connection calm, I would love to have that with you. Go to [email protected] to email and schedule or you can text or call 206-498-8025 and schedule it that way.
I would love to talk with you and I would love to listen to you too. Thank you and thanks for coming back for the next episode too.
You are listening to the heart healing from loss podcast with Wendy Sloneker. This is episode 37.
Hi everybody. It's just me today I know I've been bringing in some excellent guests as gifts. Just your way these last couple of weeks. And so I just thought you and I would talk today, just us just for a little bit. It’s been so nice to see some of you over on Facebook for my Monday visits. That's been really fun, where I go live just about once a week. Pretty much once a week, let's just say that. And so it's been lovely and delightful to meet some of you over there. If you're not there yet, please go ahead and trot on over and we can have visits together there as well you're invited. That's what I'm trying to say. Here invited.
Today, I thought we might talk just a little bit about taking the pressure off. When you don't know how you feel. Often this is something that is a natural phenomenon in the human body and mind. Where it's society, sometimes we put a lot of pressure on knowing what the words are, or having the words and for some of us, me included, this can feel really confronting. And I feel sometimes intimidated when I don't have the words.
Now I've been doing this for a little while. So it's okay for me to take a little bit of time, even though I've been doing this for a while to get to know how I really feel. So I just wanted to offer a little bit of time and space around, not needing to know, having a general sense is good enough. Not wanting to talk about it right away is also 100% appropriate and fine.
Other people may not really like that. But and it's also okay, if you don't know, hey, I'll get back to you. I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling right now I don't really understand it myself. It doesn't feel particularly good. And I'm not going to pressure myself to come up with some words, when it already feels bad. You don't have to. That's really the thing is taking the pressure off. When you don't know how you feel is to let yourself know. And maybe that voice that is loud inside your mind. Hey, we don't have to know.
I'm getting a general sense that it's unpleasant. Not my favorite. rather not be feeling it anyway. So I kind of don't want to be clear about it. This is okay. This is okay. No need to muddy it up with pressure and judgment. Or a feeling of inadequacy if you just don't feel like a word is going to come to you right away. There's, it's absolutely hard enough as it is. The word will come maybe later. But it doesn't have to be here right now.
So if you are having a loud voice inside your mind that is demanding that you must know right now and it's very urgent. Hey, go ahead and just listen to this voice that says you don't have to know. You know, somewhere inside you. And when the word is ready to come up. It'll be there. But you don't have to go into detail. You don't have to know. You don't have to have something like some big literary paper about it.
Nope. Nope. No, you don't. It's hard enough. So taking the pressure off means allowing, you know, it's kind of like, having a feeling the words that can come are. It's kind of awful. It's kind of sad or it's kind of like I don't actually know, kind of a fog, kind of gray and viscous kind of like a good Seattle fall day. It's gray. It's foggy. There's a lot of moisture in the air. And it's it's just kind of damp and heavy. You can describe it like the weather if you want, you can, it's okay, if nothing comes to you.
One thing that I like to try just for my own, not if anybody else is asking me, but just for my own sense. If I don't know how I'm feeling, I can't put a word to it. This is something that was taught to me by Maura Barclay, who's a phenomenal transformational coach. Check her out. She advised, hey, does it feel like it's going to open? Is this a feeling that opens you up? Or is it something that is closing you down, and she had talked about it in terms of expansion, or contraction, and in grief and loss, it's really common and natural, and appropriate and okay, and acceptable, to feel a sense of contraction of closing of this is not a word, but smallening. Like getting smaller shrinking, sort of pulling in.
These are okay, having a sense of that's good enough. Having a sense of expansion could be something that is kind of a goal, or you allow yourself a lot of rest and gentleness, and to put half an eyeball out for a moment that feels expansive. You may not be there, you may think that this is not something that's going to ever be available. But I want to hold a little bit of time and space for you right here that says there's going to be a moment where the feelings are going to go ahead and process to a point where expansion is an option. An expansive feeling is an option.
And you can even sort of dive into your memories. And look for moments that have felt expansive, they may be unrelated to the loss that you're experiencing. It may have just been a time of joyful learning, or just have fun morning, or a book that changed your life online or a quote or a meme. That was so poignant that it just gave you an opening.
Now this can include some laughter. I know. It's difficult sometimes to come up with laughter when you feel like, hey, from here, I don't think I'm getting there. Totally get it. Totally get it. And there may be a time when the feelings have processed to a point where laughter becomes an option. Because everyone please listen to me when I say that. Laughter is also a release. It's also a release. Just like tears, just like anger, just like other feelings. Like when we process them. That's part of the feeling is there's a release. You're doing it.
And we fellow humans, we are processors. We are not storage containers, although we have a habit of storing our feelings. So this is a short episode today. And I think it's a good one because you may be applying pressure where one it's not needed to. It's hard enough. And three, you may not even realize you don't have to know how you feel. You can but you don't have to. And if you had a sense of whether or not it helps you, what you're going through right now is a moment of openness or a moment of closedness, expansion, or contraction.
This is enough. It's enough to know when we judge ourselves, it just ends up being extra muddy. Then we got to undo it a little bit later anyway, so you don't have to even go there. It's enough. And you're enough. 100%.
That's what I have for you today. As I'm thinking of you, I hope that you will come back for an either episode, or all of them, because that would be so fun. And definitely do join me in the Monday visits on Facebook. It'll be so delightful to have you there as well.
Okay, take sweet care of your sweet self. I'll talk to you next week, okay bye.
Hi, it's Wendy, thank you so much for listening. If something resonated or stuck out or sort of hummed with you in this episode, and you want to either talk more about it, or have me talk more about it, let's schedule a connection call.
It could be that you are ready to learn how to release emotional pain. That sounds great. It's great to do and it's great on the other side, regardless, you're invited. So if you think it's time for a free 30 minute connection calm, I would love to have that with you. Go to [email protected] to email and schedule or you can text or call 206-498-8025 and schedule it that way.
I would love to talk with you and I would love to listen to you too. Thank you and thanks for coming back for the next episode too.