Episode 36: Gratitude, Grief, and Pink Fortitude — A Conversation with Holly Bertone
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Everything right
You can do everything right — exercise, eat right, do the things that give you joy — and still life can pull the rug out from under you. Pink Fortitude Holly Bertone of Pink Fortitude knows this all too well: a breast cancer diagnosis at age 38 turned her “happy, healthy” life upside down. There were good things too. Even great things, with a marriage proposal and new stepson. But all of this meant a total shift in identity from happy, active single gal to happy but struggling wife and mom. And life wasn’t through with her yet. |
Holly from Pink Fortitude discusses finding gratitude even during difficult times.
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In this moving episode, Grief Coach Wendy talks with Holly about the many challenges life can come at you with — as well as the many gifts, if you’re open enough to recognize them. And grateful enough to receive them.
You are Invited:
Find more about Holly at her website, https://pinkfortitude.com/. And if you’re ready to work through your challenges around grief and change, sign up for a complimentary consultation with Wendy Sloneker at https://www.wendysloneker.com/.
Resources mentioned:
https://academy.pinkfortitude.com/heart-healing-loss-podcast-welcome
You are Invited:
Find more about Holly at her website, https://pinkfortitude.com/. And if you’re ready to work through your challenges around grief and change, sign up for a complimentary consultation with Wendy Sloneker at https://www.wendysloneker.com/.
Resources mentioned:
https://academy.pinkfortitude.com/heart-healing-loss-podcast-welcome
As seen on: |
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker
You're listening to the Heart Healing from Loss Podcast with Wendy Sloneker. This is episode 36.
Hi, everybody, I brought someone really special over to meet with us. Heck yes, I did want to talk a little bit today with our special guest, Holly Bertone, who has been through a lot of different types of losses, including excruciating timing, which is always excruciating around a cancer diagnosis. So she speaks very candidly about her path, her story, multiple losses and a little something she calls Pink Fortitude.
Let's go. Holly, thank you so much for being here today. I'm grateful you're here. And I know you're all about it .
Holly Bertone
Yes. Thank you so much, Wendy, for having me. I'm super excited to be on the show.
Wendy
It's so fun. And it's not usually fun. Like the reason that we come here. The reason that people come to the show is not for fun. It is for need and comfort and support, and how the heck do I get through whatever it is that I'm going through?
Oftentimes, it's multiple, what am I going through. So I would love to hear just a little bit about you. Mostly, I would love I would love to hear it. And everybody in my audience would love to hear just a little bit about your story on how we came about and what you're up to, in terms of your experience.
Holly
Oh, thank you. So yeah, I you know, I always like to start the story before. And as a breast cancer survivor, those words you know, you have breast cancer, it's it's really a before and after kind of scenario. But I was 38 and thought that my life was perfect. I had a very high level management position. I was the chief of staff or one of those three letter federal government agencies. They make TV shows without leaving in that.
And so as a high stress high management position, I raced mountain bikes and exterra opera triathlons and went rock climbing and took Muay Thai, which is kind of like boxing. I was I traveled all over I drink margaritas with my girlfriends.
Wendy
Great life.
Holly
I know, right? I was living into with my boyfriend like it was it 38 I could not have asked her about her life.
Wendy
Pinnacle.
Holly
Yes, or so I thought. And then on my 39th birthday, getting ready to come up on my 12 year survivor-versary by the way, but yeah, so all the tests were already in progress. And I got the phone call. I was actually on my way home from work. And I got the phone call. And it was from my doctor's office, but from a doctor that I had never met before.
And so I knew the second I saw the call come in, I knew my heart sank. And he says I'm calling to let you know that you have breast cancer. But don't worry, it's the good kind. You're going to need to schedule an appointment with a surgeon. Do you have any questions?
Wendy
Wow. And had you had these tests done for, have you had symptoms? Or was it an annual checkup?
Holly
I had actually found a lump just by total accident. I rolled over. And it was on my side and I went to my primary care. It started the process. It was actually two months of test. It was a long slog. Yeah, I mean, I was always say waiting is the hardest part. It's actually not I mean the diagnosis, but a waiting is just excruciating.
Wendy
The worst. Yeah. Yeah.
Holly
And then, again, two parallel things in process. Two days later, my then boyfriend took me out for my birthday dinner, and got down on one knee and proposed. So yeah, it was you have breast cancer and will you marry me in 48 hours times my life turned upside down.
I went from being this happy, healthy single girl who had it all to now. You know, my identity completely changed. I'm now at breast cancer and I got a fiance and he had a young child. I've got a six year old soon to be stepson.
Wendy
I mean, it was a little change of identity. Totally conflicting feelings.
Holly
Yeah, yeah. So So I won't get into all the details. But that year was just trying to be you know, kind of a sexy fiance and we got married at the justice of the peace. But then what happened kind of the part two of the whole story was that so sorry. I went through surgery, chemo and radiation.
So I did the whole, you know, kind of the standard treatment lost my hair sick and bought on my wedding day. And, but then I never got better. And I kept going to my doctors. I'm, I'm not feeling any better. And they're like, Oh, you've been through a lot. I'm like, Okay, I used to be else.
Yeah, I used to be out there racing triathlons, and all these girls and support group are doing these 5k Pink Ribbon races, I can't get out of bed. And fast forward. One year later, after pushing even more doctors for more test, I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis, which is the autoimmune it's an autoimmune condition. It's hypothyroidism. And it's the autoimmune condition.
So it's a very slow, sluggish thyroid. Fatigue and weight gain are its two favorite brands.
Wendy
As if hadn't already been through a hell of a lot
Holly
Right? So that just it was two years time that everything just my entire world turned upside down. And what was interesting about this whole thing, and we'll get into my mom, from, you know, obviously, we can talk about her from the grief perspective. But she was she was pregnant with me .She was diagnosed with Addison's disease, which is a very rare adrenal disorder.
And growing up, she had this life mantra, she said, it builds fortitude, it builds fortitude. And I adopted that when I was going through my own health struggles. And and I always thought that the issue that she referred to, was just like the health struggles, like going through the struggles builds fortitude.
And it is, but it wasn't until after she passed a few years ago, I was, I had gone through my journey. Years later, I became a certified natural health coach. And then I started specializing in gratitude and mindset.
And I realized that the it that she was referring to, was the power of gratitude. That gratitude is actually what builds fortitude during the storms of life. And during any kind of any kind, it doesn't have to be a health challenge, any kind of challenge, right?
Wendy
We’ve got plenty of change happening that creates all kinds of feelings, right.
Holly
And looking back throughout her life, and putting the pieces together, I realized that's, that's the golden ticket, right? That's the you open up the Willy Wonka thing, like that's the golden ticket.
Wendy
That's incredible. That's incredible. And I appreciate that. That's sort of where you're at now. And it's been a number of years, since you've sort of created this and have had a following. I would also like to talk about sort of the pre gratitude years, because I'm sure that navigating that much change, and that much like physical, mental, emotional change and loss, like you were talking about loss of identity. It just changes over, there are moments I'm guessing where you didn't feel super grateful or weren't really like, because in my journey, I haven't always been really willing, because it hurts, I was hurting.
And so feeling gratitude at a time of pain was something that I have not always been able to really just get to. So can you talk a little bit about that for listeners who are maybe newly diagnosed or just going through a lot where it feels like gratitude is a big ask, and maybe it's far out of reach? What would you say?
Holly
And gratitude isn't? It is it is a big ask. And I actually have a very small survey when any individual joins my community. And I am a data girl, right?
So I look at the analytics and 75% of mostly women that the individuals that when they join my community, they, in a basic, basic nutshell, say that they love the concept of gratitude. They just can't they can't get it to stick. Mm hmm. It just they just they're trying it. They're just it's just not working.
And so if you're in a place where you're just not feeling gratitude, I want to let you know that you're not alone. It is free. There's almost eight. What are we at billion people on the planet? Everyone can have gratitude just like they can have love or happiness.
But if 75% have people coming into my community are saying it's not working? There's there's something there. So I just wanted to put that out there first that if you are feeling that you're not alone. And yeah, there were.
So let me backup first about, I don't know, maybe a month or two after that initial breast cancer treatment, lots and lots and lots and lots of booze. Yeah. And I really kept going on my mother's words, you know, it builds fortitude. But there was there was a time where I just had this almost like a wave. For me, it was God, you can think the universe, whatever, you know, whatever aligns with your belief, but just this wave of peace, and then everything will be okay.
Wasn't gratitude, it was just, everything's gonna be okay.
Wendy
Like an assurance?
Holly
Like an assurance, right? So those were kind of the two things that I really just hung my hat on. But the biggest, the biggest hit to me was first from a breast cancer perspective, and then from the autoimmune perspective. So you know, being very, very healthy to now being, you know, sick, and bald, and have like chemo, if you've hopefully have never, but when it comes out of your pores, you really smell like, you smell so bad. You don't even want to be close to yourself.
Wendy
Oh, for sure.
Holly
Walking farts like rabbits habitat, a tablet, the whole way across the room. Uncontrollable and I'm trying to be a sexy fiancé, right. And, you know, I lost part of my breast I lost I went into chemical menopause, it was, it was so bad that at one point, I actually tried to convince my fiancé to just go find a woman who was you know, a little more whole and not so broken.
I was just completely at rock bottom. Hmm. And so, you know, that is a good place where there was no gratitude for anything at that point. All right. And then, you know, fast forward with the autoimmune challenges. And for the most part, there was a lot of migraines, a lot of IBS, but the biggest thing for me was just debilitating chronic fatigue. Oh, man, and I ended up my health hit rock bottom, so bad in 2017, I was actually forced to resign from my job. Hmm. So there. That was, I think if I had to go back and find a defining moment, I remember on the stairway at work, crying uncontrollably. And one of my co workers just came in, she didn't say a word, she just sat beside me and just had her, you know, handle my shoulder. And we must have been there for at least 30 minutes. I mean, it was an it was an ugly cry, like a really like ugly cry.
Wendy
Good job.
Holly
I have after that, I was like, You know what, something better is going to happen. And that I think was what started to open the door to gratitude. And looking at my health journey from a place of, you know, I'm doing the, you know, the nutrition and I'm doing all the things and trying to eliminate toxins and trying to do the healthy thing.
But I totally forgot about the mindset piece like that, just that mindset piece that's for those, you know who hokey woowoo people, right, that live out there in the airy fairy land and, you know, don't have a care in the world. And, and you know, that, that the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the gratitude stuff. And that was when I started to really look into kind of my health from a holistic perspective.
Wendy
Wow. Wow. And how amazing to have a co worker there with you. Just sort of witnessing, can you remember a little bit about that moment? I definitely want to go into the mindset piece and how that was but what was that like for you to just have somebody there to not talk not say anything, but just be present to you when you were having, a really hard and super big ugly cry?
Holly
Yeah, we were. We were a very close knit office, and we caught ourselves the zebra Zen den. Do you have you ever read that book that zebras don't get ulcers?
Wendy
No, not yet.
Holly
Oh my goodness. So it basically talks about zebras in the wild. And so the lion comes and the lion chases the zebra right? So the Zebra is all happy this grass doing a zebra thing. And then the lion comes in, he chases the zebra and the zebra runs away to the Zebra has stress as he's running away his fight or flight, right? There's sympathetic nervous system attack.
So then there's zebra the lion goes away, and the zebra just goes back to being a happy zebra and eating the grass doing happy zebra thing. And so there was this whole book around this concept. And we had a very stressed I wasn't actually at this point in time, I wasn't the boss anymore. But we had a very kind of stressful office situation. So we all kind of got together we caught ourselves zebra Zen Den, so that's kind of say, Okay, we're happy zebras, even though it's really stressful.
So that meant everything. If it really did, you know, she could have said something, but she just sat there. You know, it was she was just present. And she also edited edit it, you know, some people just have that gift. You know, she was that girl? She just had that.
Wendy
Oh, yeah. Right on time. Yeah, right on time. Amazing. So how soon after kind of like this point, you're in the stairwell, you're having this pretty pinnacle moment. And then from that moment, you sort of felt like there has to be something better that's coming.
Holly
Yeah. I took some time to heal. I needed, you know, I was pretty much at that point, all but bedridden. And so I definitely took a lot of time to heal. I wrote a book, I became a certified natural health coach. And that was just it was just one step. You know, it wasn't like there was anything, you know, it was just one step after another, that put everything two together and kind of put everything in place.
Wendy
Amazing. Wow. And can you talk a little bit about, because there are a lot of people who were really suffering from just ongoing. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to, get through. Today on this leg. What did you do? In your time of sort of walking through that chronic fatigue due to Hashimotos Hashimoto syndrome? How did you sort of navigate to be okay, with, okay, all I can do is get from bed to the couch, shower not required, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna call that a win, alright, because you kind of we're going from this very active embodiment and experience to not really being able to even do much outside, correct?
Holly
Right, right. It was rough. I mean, even just, you know, resting and then trying to make dinner for the family and being there for a step son. And it ended up being a blessing in disguise, because I was able to be there for him through his middle school and high school years to be able to take him to school every day, pick them up every day, and be there after school, and you know, to have that time with him.
But, you know, it's interesting, because I started my gratitude practice, the way that everyone teaches. And, you know, all the experts out there, they say, make a list of three things that you're grateful for. And that's how I got started. But I've always been interested in, you know, from the early 90s, when I graduated college with a psychology degree, I've always been interested in just kind of that mindset piece, and, you know, the inner improvement and doing the self work.
And I realized that this list of free things was okay. But, and that's what everyone tells you to do.
Wendy
Right? Right.
Holly
So every day, every morning, I started, and then list of three things I was grateful for when I woke up and then at night, but I'm like, this is okay. But there's, there's got to be something more. And, again, I don't know if there was just one kind of light bulb Aha, I did. A lot of I just really dove into the research dove into the studies and start with gratitude of gratitude, and started talking to my community. And this was over the course of a couple of years, and realizing that and this is this says really pivotal is that gratitude isn't a to do list.
Gratitude isn't about what you do. It's about the transformation. It's about who you become. And at that point when gratitude stops becoming a to do list stops becoming something that you've checked the box, and starts being who you are just like the air that you breathe. That is when the transformation happens.
Wendy
So what is it between, the writing of the list is it allowing yourself to feel the feeling of, I'm not just writing down the list of really grateful for my dog, you know, but like, No, I'm actually pretty grateful for my dog. Like, she's rad. I'm up and out. I'm doing this, I'm doing that she's funny. And, um, you know, she's my little companion. That, kind of like that. someone's, I like my dog. I'm grateful for my dog. Versus a pretty awesome dog.
Yeah. And I'm, Yeah, feeling it.
Holly
Exactly. It's, it's the feeling. It's not the doing, it's the feeling and really being present to it. And can I actually give you an example?
Wendy
Please sample of please.
Holly
This was so I always refer to my mom as mama fortitude, because the whole big fortitude thing and it builds fortitude, and just the whole thing, right. So I just everyone knows that I refer to her as mama fortitude. So she, her health, you know, just kept declining over the years. They told her she would not live past 30 She lived to think 74 73-74
Wendy
My gosh, what do they know?
Holly
Yeah. So. So she passed in 2019 actually getting ready to come up on her 23 year career anniversary. And so I remember, so I was up at my dad's and I was with him for a couple weeks. And then he came down with us, and then he left. So my grieving didn't actually begin until really, after my dad left, there was a lot of grieving the last couple of months of her life, because I knew that, you know, each time could have been a last.
So there was a lot of grieving during her last few months in life. But my actual grieving, like everything was kind of put on pause to take care of my dad. So I started reading, I don't know, like three or four weeks later, and it was like gates, again, back to the ugly cry. And I remember and this was, at this point, I was already just full on my gratitude practice.
And I remember just being in bed crying like not and I almost almost like a toddler. I don't want to be grateful. You know throwing a little temper tantrum in my head. I don't want to be grateful. And I was like, Okay, I'm going to feel the feels, I'm going to let myself in that space.
But then, you know, the days go by and you're like, alright, so some point we gotta get out of that space. I gotta feel the feels I gotta honor the space but at some point, it's time to stop crying.
So again, toddler, you know, toddler temper tantrum in my head. I don't want to be grateful. So I'm like, okay, Holly, what can you be grateful for? And my mind was like, I got nothing. No, you know what came to mind?
Wendy
No.
Holly
I have a or I had any way a yellow mechanical pencil. It was my favorite pencil. And I don't really remember office space the movie Office Space like that red sweet. Right? Yeah. That was my yellow pencil. Right? I was that was that. I love it. Yes. Oh, that's what came to my mind stupid little yellow pencil. It was enough. It was enough. It opened the door. Ah, yeah. cracked the door.
Wendy
Wow. And that. I just kind of felt a sense of relief just based on hearing your story. And then here's this mechanical pencil and that can be enough to be grateful for to when you really feel it to allow a crack in the door, which is sometimes all we want is just that tiny breeze in a really really hot room. Yeah, right. Somebody please correct the door.
Wow. So what came after the mucky nickel pencil and that sort of initial crack in the door then. Then what happened?
Holly
I bounce back after that pretty quickly. You know, having, you know, kind of having those coping skills and have have done the inner work and all the things and it's still I mean, Mother's Day hits, I just, and I know, like I just told my husband, I'm like, I am going to retreat to my room, I got my iPad, I can watch TV. Just, I'll come down for food at some point, but just leave me alone.
Wendy
I'm doing my thing. So you found that you really around that time frame? You really just need some quiet and space.
Holly
Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, it's interesting of all of, and, I mean, honestly, I carry her spirit every day and her message of fortitude. And I don't know if you can see behind me. You know, her pictures right there looking over me as I work and making sure I do everything, you know. Mm hmm. But I don't know. That's really the only day you know, there's the anniversaries, I get a little bluesy. But that's really the only day that I just come unglued. Mother's Day.
Wendy
More so than her say her birthday. Yeah, her death day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And this is the real this. Okay, here it comes. I can see it coming. It happens every year is Mother's Day. Has it changed very much over the years. You said you were coming up on your third year anniversary of her loss of the loss of her has it changed very much since that first year because I've noticed that, it does change. We don't think it's ever going to change because we keep feeling like it's always going to feel this way or this bad.
But for those experiencing sort of the first year after a loss, what would you say? What's your experience?
Holly
Yeah, the the first year was just brutal. And I I should have known it was coming. But I didn't. And Mother's Day was always as a step mother, even though we have you know, pretty good family dynamics as a step mother Mother's Day is just awkward to begin with.
So I should have seen it common. coulda, shoulda, woulda all day long, right. But yeah, so I think part of that first year is that it hit hard. And it was kind of like it came out of nowhere. And it was a full week, that first year.
Wendy
Oh, wow. Like you woke up on the day.
Holly
And then the weekend it was, it was almost up until the day leading up to and then after like that Monday, I'm like, Okay, let's go back to normal. But, yeah, so it was almost a full week. And then this year was just one day.
Wendy
So it's, it changes, and it changes. We don't know how it's gonna change when you were in that first week. That was so hard. Did you ever imagine that? It would be some day just one day?
Holly
I don't know.
Wendy
Okay, that's fair. Yeah. Sometimes when we we've, I guess the thing I want to reinforce there is that we don't know. We don't know how we're gonna feel but okay, am I going to wake up to feed my family? Am I going to feel today? Am I going to feel this today? Some days we want to? And some days? We do not? We do not.
So tell me about your programming your community around cultivating gratitude. And because I'm imagining if 75% are, like the concept, totally not there. Right. This is about cultivation and practice.
Holly
Yeah. So I've got an amazing, amazing group coaching community. And they, the common theme that I see over and over again, is and again, if you don't have a health challenge, any challenge you can, you know, any challenge in life, you can relate to this. Yeah. But from a perspective of looking at, even just from a grief perspective, right.
And I'm not a grief counselor, but understanding that when we go through a change in life, I mean, you had a podcast episode on divorce and relationships, right? It It doesn't always have to be a death that you feel some of that grief process on your pan, you know, like losing my hair losing part of my breast.
You know, some of the health changes going on and then strained relationships and then you know, all of the things and then my former life, my job, right, like there's all these things that we don't look at is grief.
So that's that's one of not the first thing that's one of the first things I just wanted to make sure that I mentioned it, you know, specific to this podcast. Is that we need to honor that space, that whatever loss looks like, and for some people going gluten free, totally losing their favorite foods and like not ever being able to eat a normal piece of pizza again, you know, you know, that's a loss. It's not like a death loss, but it's still a loss, and to honor that space and to honor that grieving, whatever that looks like.
But, you know, it's interesting, you asked about kind of gratitude and not being in that place.So often to what I see is, and especially the women in my community, is that we've been beat up so much with, you know, the challenges, and it's the life challenges on top of the health challenges.
And at some point, the self esteem just hits rock bottom, you know, I was talking about the, the place that I was at, and then that self love hits rock bottom. And gratitude, I actually kind of jokingly refer it to the gate as the gateway drug. Because when No, but when you're in that place where you hate your body, when it's, it's, it's not, you know, it's it's fighting against you, and it's betrayed you. And you can't even begin to find that place of self love.
And, you know, and that's why I talk about gratitude being kind of a gateway drug. Okay, can you be grateful for being able to breathe? Yeah, I think I can, you know, can you be grateful for being able to smile? Yeah, I think I can. So we start with the little things. And we start with gratitude.
And we start with gratitude internally first, and then it's, it becomes that ripple effect. Because, you know, they talk about, you know, the old adage, you can't, you got to put the oxygen mask on first before you can put it on someone else, right, to fill your own cup first.
And to be able to start with gratitude. And then gratitude can lead to self love. And then self love can lead to love. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful, beautiful journey that my students are
Wendy
Awesome, awesome. And, if I'm hearing you correctly, it's also that you don't have to be grateful for this thing that you find painful, you can find gratitude in something else, someone else, anything else, and still feel a little bit better. Because when I'm getting from gratitude being a gateway drug is like, you start to just feel a little bit better.
And so when you're ready and willing to feel a little bit better, or to stop, when I was in some of my grief pieces, it was like I didn't know, I was out of ideas. Right? So I had to go and find some other tools, some other influences some other something because I was finally willing to feel a little bit lighter, a little bit better. And this sounds like one of those things where momentum can be built.
Holly
Absolutely. And it's a it's a muscle, I mean, gratitude. It's building a muscle just like doing push ups. And, you know, I don't know if it's easier than push ups or not.I still did a girly push ups.
But, um, but yeah, so and then it's scientifically proven that gratitude, as I say, builds fortitude. Like, it's not just a funny, slogan that I say, it's legitimately scientifically proven. Gratitude increases mental strength.
So when you build that gratitude muscle, you're also building your fortitude, muscle, your mental strength. And when you build those in combination with each other, you know, and that journey, I think, you know, it's not linear, it's ugly, it's messy. It's all over the place, right? But one day, you just wake up and you're like, huh, things just feel a little different today.
Wendy
Right? I wonder why that is. And we don't always have to know.
Holly
Yeah, actually, I've got a really funny story. But we have to use
Wendy
Yeah, let's go. Funny story. We have to
Holly
So yeah, so my I read triggers triggering but poor customer service like to me. I am usually pretty chill. But I've got red hair and a fiery temper sometimes and that customer poor customer service. Yeah, it's like exorcist Holly, right.
Holly
So we're there is it in person or on the phone?
Holly
It doesn't matter. Okay. So my husband and I, this was a few years ago, my husband and I are driving across country and we're actually driving back home. And so we're driving from Colorado to Virginia. And I called ahead we had been on the road since five that morning, we had been on the road, 12 hours. So it's crazy. So I call or I call ahead, I get on the app a call ahead. They're like, Okay, we have a room got the hotel. And we're in the middle of I think Kansas, we're in the middle of nowhere. There's nothing around.
So we get there. And it's six or seven o'clock at night. And we ended up waiting for about 10 minutes to actually get, because there's something ahead of us to get the room. And the manager was like, yeah, so your rooms not ready. It's going to be about another 20 minutes.
Yeah, so we find out that I guess the staff hada mutiny that day, and they all left. So at this point, the next hotel is an hour away. So driving is we're exhausted. And so I'm like, Okay, we'll just wait. He's like, I'll do my best. I'll do my best. So we get up to the room. And oh, it was the air conditioning, something was wrong with the air conditioning. So we get up to the room. It wasn't just the air conditioning wasn't working in the middle of summer on a 90 degree day. Okay. It was one of those, you know, when air conditioners leak, and it's carpet, it's like squish, squish, squish.
Wendy
Sadly I do. Yeah.
Holly
Yeah. Oh, so we walk into the room, and it was squish, squish. I don't even want to know, I think I held my breath the entire time. I don't even want to know the mold in that room. Right? I was I was just exhausted. So then we're looking for towels, there are no towels. So I'm like, Okay, let's go downstairs. See, maybe if they have another room, see if we can get some towels. So and my husband's like, this is gonna be fun, right? Because now we're already like multiple layers of bad customer service on top of each other. So he follows me he's like, this is gonna be fun. I am so I'm exhausted. I can't wait to see what comes out of her.
So we go down. And so the, the manager was like, I we all the towels are in the washer. I've got this wash cloth. That was all he had was a wash cloth. And can I just tell you, Wendy, I don't know how the words came out of my mouth. It wasn't like I had prepared anything. But you know what I said to him?
I said, Thank you. We're exhausted. We'll make it work. We just appreciate having a roof over our head. Have a great night. I hope your night gets better.
Oh, what's that? That's gratitude. That's totally a muscle working. That is a muscle. Right? And here's the thing, okay.
If I would have gone, you know, split pea soup, Exorcist, Holly, then I would have been upset, I would have been amped up trying to go to sleep, my husband would have been amped up. The poor manager doesn't need anyone else yelling at him that day, right? This was a gift. I was able to leave the world a better place that day. I left him in a better place. And then he had that that grace and that gratitude to be kind to the next person. That isn't the ripple effect of gratitude.
Wendy
Feels worth it. Yeah.
Holly
It's not an on off switch. It just happens.
Wendy
Oh, wow. Isn't that fun? It just happened. Holly, I am so glad that you shared these stories and your experience. And I really appreciate you being here so much.
Holly
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I just this has been such a great conversation.
Wendy
It's a really good conversation. Please let our people know know if you're driving, don't be trying to access where Holly's community is right now. You just, put a pin in it and you pull over. Pull over.
But Holly, where can people connect with you and find you and your community and your coaching?
Holly
Yes, absolutely. I've got a page just dedicated just for your listeners. And just for you. So if you go to pinkfortitude.com/hearthealingloss and It's all one word. Just like the podcast, that's pinkfortitude.com/hearthealingloss.
Wendy
Beautiful. Thank you for setting that up just for us. I appreciate that as well. And I appreciate you and your work.
Holly
So thank you, Wendy. Thank you for all the work that you do too. It's so beautiful, especially coming from that place of having that grief experience and just such a beautiful gift that you give to this world.
Wendy
Thank you. We go through a lot as humans. We do. Okay, thank you so much again, and until next time, and take really sweet care.
Hi, it's Wendy, thank you so much for listening. If something resonated or stuck out or sort of hummed with you in this episode and you want to either talk more about it, or have me talk more about it, let's schedule a connection call, it could be that you are ready to learn how to release emotional pain. This sounds great. It's great to do and it's great on the other side, regardless, you're invited.
So if you think it's time for a free 30 minute connection call, I would love to have that with you. Go to [email protected] to email and schedule or you can text or call 206-498-8025 and schedule it that way.
I would love to talk with you and I would love to listen to you too. Thank you and thanks for coming back for the next episode too.
You're listening to the Heart Healing from Loss Podcast with Wendy Sloneker. This is episode 36.
Hi, everybody, I brought someone really special over to meet with us. Heck yes, I did want to talk a little bit today with our special guest, Holly Bertone, who has been through a lot of different types of losses, including excruciating timing, which is always excruciating around a cancer diagnosis. So she speaks very candidly about her path, her story, multiple losses and a little something she calls Pink Fortitude.
Let's go. Holly, thank you so much for being here today. I'm grateful you're here. And I know you're all about it .
Holly Bertone
Yes. Thank you so much, Wendy, for having me. I'm super excited to be on the show.
Wendy
It's so fun. And it's not usually fun. Like the reason that we come here. The reason that people come to the show is not for fun. It is for need and comfort and support, and how the heck do I get through whatever it is that I'm going through?
Oftentimes, it's multiple, what am I going through. So I would love to hear just a little bit about you. Mostly, I would love I would love to hear it. And everybody in my audience would love to hear just a little bit about your story on how we came about and what you're up to, in terms of your experience.
Holly
Oh, thank you. So yeah, I you know, I always like to start the story before. And as a breast cancer survivor, those words you know, you have breast cancer, it's it's really a before and after kind of scenario. But I was 38 and thought that my life was perfect. I had a very high level management position. I was the chief of staff or one of those three letter federal government agencies. They make TV shows without leaving in that.
And so as a high stress high management position, I raced mountain bikes and exterra opera triathlons and went rock climbing and took Muay Thai, which is kind of like boxing. I was I traveled all over I drink margaritas with my girlfriends.
Wendy
Great life.
Holly
I know, right? I was living into with my boyfriend like it was it 38 I could not have asked her about her life.
Wendy
Pinnacle.
Holly
Yes, or so I thought. And then on my 39th birthday, getting ready to come up on my 12 year survivor-versary by the way, but yeah, so all the tests were already in progress. And I got the phone call. I was actually on my way home from work. And I got the phone call. And it was from my doctor's office, but from a doctor that I had never met before.
And so I knew the second I saw the call come in, I knew my heart sank. And he says I'm calling to let you know that you have breast cancer. But don't worry, it's the good kind. You're going to need to schedule an appointment with a surgeon. Do you have any questions?
Wendy
Wow. And had you had these tests done for, have you had symptoms? Or was it an annual checkup?
Holly
I had actually found a lump just by total accident. I rolled over. And it was on my side and I went to my primary care. It started the process. It was actually two months of test. It was a long slog. Yeah, I mean, I was always say waiting is the hardest part. It's actually not I mean the diagnosis, but a waiting is just excruciating.
Wendy
The worst. Yeah. Yeah.
Holly
And then, again, two parallel things in process. Two days later, my then boyfriend took me out for my birthday dinner, and got down on one knee and proposed. So yeah, it was you have breast cancer and will you marry me in 48 hours times my life turned upside down.
I went from being this happy, healthy single girl who had it all to now. You know, my identity completely changed. I'm now at breast cancer and I got a fiance and he had a young child. I've got a six year old soon to be stepson.
Wendy
I mean, it was a little change of identity. Totally conflicting feelings.
Holly
Yeah, yeah. So So I won't get into all the details. But that year was just trying to be you know, kind of a sexy fiance and we got married at the justice of the peace. But then what happened kind of the part two of the whole story was that so sorry. I went through surgery, chemo and radiation.
So I did the whole, you know, kind of the standard treatment lost my hair sick and bought on my wedding day. And, but then I never got better. And I kept going to my doctors. I'm, I'm not feeling any better. And they're like, Oh, you've been through a lot. I'm like, Okay, I used to be else.
Yeah, I used to be out there racing triathlons, and all these girls and support group are doing these 5k Pink Ribbon races, I can't get out of bed. And fast forward. One year later, after pushing even more doctors for more test, I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis, which is the autoimmune it's an autoimmune condition. It's hypothyroidism. And it's the autoimmune condition.
So it's a very slow, sluggish thyroid. Fatigue and weight gain are its two favorite brands.
Wendy
As if hadn't already been through a hell of a lot
Holly
Right? So that just it was two years time that everything just my entire world turned upside down. And what was interesting about this whole thing, and we'll get into my mom, from, you know, obviously, we can talk about her from the grief perspective. But she was she was pregnant with me .She was diagnosed with Addison's disease, which is a very rare adrenal disorder.
And growing up, she had this life mantra, she said, it builds fortitude, it builds fortitude. And I adopted that when I was going through my own health struggles. And and I always thought that the issue that she referred to, was just like the health struggles, like going through the struggles builds fortitude.
And it is, but it wasn't until after she passed a few years ago, I was, I had gone through my journey. Years later, I became a certified natural health coach. And then I started specializing in gratitude and mindset.
And I realized that the it that she was referring to, was the power of gratitude. That gratitude is actually what builds fortitude during the storms of life. And during any kind of any kind, it doesn't have to be a health challenge, any kind of challenge, right?
Wendy
We’ve got plenty of change happening that creates all kinds of feelings, right.
Holly
And looking back throughout her life, and putting the pieces together, I realized that's, that's the golden ticket, right? That's the you open up the Willy Wonka thing, like that's the golden ticket.
Wendy
That's incredible. That's incredible. And I appreciate that. That's sort of where you're at now. And it's been a number of years, since you've sort of created this and have had a following. I would also like to talk about sort of the pre gratitude years, because I'm sure that navigating that much change, and that much like physical, mental, emotional change and loss, like you were talking about loss of identity. It just changes over, there are moments I'm guessing where you didn't feel super grateful or weren't really like, because in my journey, I haven't always been really willing, because it hurts, I was hurting.
And so feeling gratitude at a time of pain was something that I have not always been able to really just get to. So can you talk a little bit about that for listeners who are maybe newly diagnosed or just going through a lot where it feels like gratitude is a big ask, and maybe it's far out of reach? What would you say?
Holly
And gratitude isn't? It is it is a big ask. And I actually have a very small survey when any individual joins my community. And I am a data girl, right?
So I look at the analytics and 75% of mostly women that the individuals that when they join my community, they, in a basic, basic nutshell, say that they love the concept of gratitude. They just can't they can't get it to stick. Mm hmm. It just they just they're trying it. They're just it's just not working.
And so if you're in a place where you're just not feeling gratitude, I want to let you know that you're not alone. It is free. There's almost eight. What are we at billion people on the planet? Everyone can have gratitude just like they can have love or happiness.
But if 75% have people coming into my community are saying it's not working? There's there's something there. So I just wanted to put that out there first that if you are feeling that you're not alone. And yeah, there were.
So let me backup first about, I don't know, maybe a month or two after that initial breast cancer treatment, lots and lots and lots and lots of booze. Yeah. And I really kept going on my mother's words, you know, it builds fortitude. But there was there was a time where I just had this almost like a wave. For me, it was God, you can think the universe, whatever, you know, whatever aligns with your belief, but just this wave of peace, and then everything will be okay.
Wasn't gratitude, it was just, everything's gonna be okay.
Wendy
Like an assurance?
Holly
Like an assurance, right? So those were kind of the two things that I really just hung my hat on. But the biggest, the biggest hit to me was first from a breast cancer perspective, and then from the autoimmune perspective. So you know, being very, very healthy to now being, you know, sick, and bald, and have like chemo, if you've hopefully have never, but when it comes out of your pores, you really smell like, you smell so bad. You don't even want to be close to yourself.
Wendy
Oh, for sure.
Holly
Walking farts like rabbits habitat, a tablet, the whole way across the room. Uncontrollable and I'm trying to be a sexy fiancé, right. And, you know, I lost part of my breast I lost I went into chemical menopause, it was, it was so bad that at one point, I actually tried to convince my fiancé to just go find a woman who was you know, a little more whole and not so broken.
I was just completely at rock bottom. Hmm. And so, you know, that is a good place where there was no gratitude for anything at that point. All right. And then, you know, fast forward with the autoimmune challenges. And for the most part, there was a lot of migraines, a lot of IBS, but the biggest thing for me was just debilitating chronic fatigue. Oh, man, and I ended up my health hit rock bottom, so bad in 2017, I was actually forced to resign from my job. Hmm. So there. That was, I think if I had to go back and find a defining moment, I remember on the stairway at work, crying uncontrollably. And one of my co workers just came in, she didn't say a word, she just sat beside me and just had her, you know, handle my shoulder. And we must have been there for at least 30 minutes. I mean, it was an it was an ugly cry, like a really like ugly cry.
Wendy
Good job.
Holly
I have after that, I was like, You know what, something better is going to happen. And that I think was what started to open the door to gratitude. And looking at my health journey from a place of, you know, I'm doing the, you know, the nutrition and I'm doing all the things and trying to eliminate toxins and trying to do the healthy thing.
But I totally forgot about the mindset piece like that, just that mindset piece that's for those, you know who hokey woowoo people, right, that live out there in the airy fairy land and, you know, don't have a care in the world. And, and you know, that, that the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the gratitude stuff. And that was when I started to really look into kind of my health from a holistic perspective.
Wendy
Wow. Wow. And how amazing to have a co worker there with you. Just sort of witnessing, can you remember a little bit about that moment? I definitely want to go into the mindset piece and how that was but what was that like for you to just have somebody there to not talk not say anything, but just be present to you when you were having, a really hard and super big ugly cry?
Holly
Yeah, we were. We were a very close knit office, and we caught ourselves the zebra Zen den. Do you have you ever read that book that zebras don't get ulcers?
Wendy
No, not yet.
Holly
Oh my goodness. So it basically talks about zebras in the wild. And so the lion comes and the lion chases the zebra right? So the Zebra is all happy this grass doing a zebra thing. And then the lion comes in, he chases the zebra and the zebra runs away to the Zebra has stress as he's running away his fight or flight, right? There's sympathetic nervous system attack.
So then there's zebra the lion goes away, and the zebra just goes back to being a happy zebra and eating the grass doing happy zebra thing. And so there was this whole book around this concept. And we had a very stressed I wasn't actually at this point in time, I wasn't the boss anymore. But we had a very kind of stressful office situation. So we all kind of got together we caught ourselves zebra Zen Den, so that's kind of say, Okay, we're happy zebras, even though it's really stressful.
So that meant everything. If it really did, you know, she could have said something, but she just sat there. You know, it was she was just present. And she also edited edit it, you know, some people just have that gift. You know, she was that girl? She just had that.
Wendy
Oh, yeah. Right on time. Yeah, right on time. Amazing. So how soon after kind of like this point, you're in the stairwell, you're having this pretty pinnacle moment. And then from that moment, you sort of felt like there has to be something better that's coming.
Holly
Yeah. I took some time to heal. I needed, you know, I was pretty much at that point, all but bedridden. And so I definitely took a lot of time to heal. I wrote a book, I became a certified natural health coach. And that was just it was just one step. You know, it wasn't like there was anything, you know, it was just one step after another, that put everything two together and kind of put everything in place.
Wendy
Amazing. Wow. And can you talk a little bit about, because there are a lot of people who were really suffering from just ongoing. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to, get through. Today on this leg. What did you do? In your time of sort of walking through that chronic fatigue due to Hashimotos Hashimoto syndrome? How did you sort of navigate to be okay, with, okay, all I can do is get from bed to the couch, shower not required, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna call that a win, alright, because you kind of we're going from this very active embodiment and experience to not really being able to even do much outside, correct?
Holly
Right, right. It was rough. I mean, even just, you know, resting and then trying to make dinner for the family and being there for a step son. And it ended up being a blessing in disguise, because I was able to be there for him through his middle school and high school years to be able to take him to school every day, pick them up every day, and be there after school, and you know, to have that time with him.
But, you know, it's interesting, because I started my gratitude practice, the way that everyone teaches. And, you know, all the experts out there, they say, make a list of three things that you're grateful for. And that's how I got started. But I've always been interested in, you know, from the early 90s, when I graduated college with a psychology degree, I've always been interested in just kind of that mindset piece, and, you know, the inner improvement and doing the self work.
And I realized that this list of free things was okay. But, and that's what everyone tells you to do.
Wendy
Right? Right.
Holly
So every day, every morning, I started, and then list of three things I was grateful for when I woke up and then at night, but I'm like, this is okay. But there's, there's got to be something more. And, again, I don't know if there was just one kind of light bulb Aha, I did. A lot of I just really dove into the research dove into the studies and start with gratitude of gratitude, and started talking to my community. And this was over the course of a couple of years, and realizing that and this is this says really pivotal is that gratitude isn't a to do list.
Gratitude isn't about what you do. It's about the transformation. It's about who you become. And at that point when gratitude stops becoming a to do list stops becoming something that you've checked the box, and starts being who you are just like the air that you breathe. That is when the transformation happens.
Wendy
So what is it between, the writing of the list is it allowing yourself to feel the feeling of, I'm not just writing down the list of really grateful for my dog, you know, but like, No, I'm actually pretty grateful for my dog. Like, she's rad. I'm up and out. I'm doing this, I'm doing that she's funny. And, um, you know, she's my little companion. That, kind of like that. someone's, I like my dog. I'm grateful for my dog. Versus a pretty awesome dog.
Yeah. And I'm, Yeah, feeling it.
Holly
Exactly. It's, it's the feeling. It's not the doing, it's the feeling and really being present to it. And can I actually give you an example?
Wendy
Please sample of please.
Holly
This was so I always refer to my mom as mama fortitude, because the whole big fortitude thing and it builds fortitude, and just the whole thing, right. So I just everyone knows that I refer to her as mama fortitude. So she, her health, you know, just kept declining over the years. They told her she would not live past 30 She lived to think 74 73-74
Wendy
My gosh, what do they know?
Holly
Yeah. So. So she passed in 2019 actually getting ready to come up on her 23 year career anniversary. And so I remember, so I was up at my dad's and I was with him for a couple weeks. And then he came down with us, and then he left. So my grieving didn't actually begin until really, after my dad left, there was a lot of grieving the last couple of months of her life, because I knew that, you know, each time could have been a last.
So there was a lot of grieving during her last few months in life. But my actual grieving, like everything was kind of put on pause to take care of my dad. So I started reading, I don't know, like three or four weeks later, and it was like gates, again, back to the ugly cry. And I remember and this was, at this point, I was already just full on my gratitude practice.
And I remember just being in bed crying like not and I almost almost like a toddler. I don't want to be grateful. You know throwing a little temper tantrum in my head. I don't want to be grateful. And I was like, Okay, I'm going to feel the feels, I'm going to let myself in that space.
But then, you know, the days go by and you're like, alright, so some point we gotta get out of that space. I gotta feel the feels I gotta honor the space but at some point, it's time to stop crying.
So again, toddler, you know, toddler temper tantrum in my head. I don't want to be grateful. So I'm like, okay, Holly, what can you be grateful for? And my mind was like, I got nothing. No, you know what came to mind?
Wendy
No.
Holly
I have a or I had any way a yellow mechanical pencil. It was my favorite pencil. And I don't really remember office space the movie Office Space like that red sweet. Right? Yeah. That was my yellow pencil. Right? I was that was that. I love it. Yes. Oh, that's what came to my mind stupid little yellow pencil. It was enough. It was enough. It opened the door. Ah, yeah. cracked the door.
Wendy
Wow. And that. I just kind of felt a sense of relief just based on hearing your story. And then here's this mechanical pencil and that can be enough to be grateful for to when you really feel it to allow a crack in the door, which is sometimes all we want is just that tiny breeze in a really really hot room. Yeah, right. Somebody please correct the door.
Wow. So what came after the mucky nickel pencil and that sort of initial crack in the door then. Then what happened?
Holly
I bounce back after that pretty quickly. You know, having, you know, kind of having those coping skills and have have done the inner work and all the things and it's still I mean, Mother's Day hits, I just, and I know, like I just told my husband, I'm like, I am going to retreat to my room, I got my iPad, I can watch TV. Just, I'll come down for food at some point, but just leave me alone.
Wendy
I'm doing my thing. So you found that you really around that time frame? You really just need some quiet and space.
Holly
Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, it's interesting of all of, and, I mean, honestly, I carry her spirit every day and her message of fortitude. And I don't know if you can see behind me. You know, her pictures right there looking over me as I work and making sure I do everything, you know. Mm hmm. But I don't know. That's really the only day you know, there's the anniversaries, I get a little bluesy. But that's really the only day that I just come unglued. Mother's Day.
Wendy
More so than her say her birthday. Yeah, her death day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And this is the real this. Okay, here it comes. I can see it coming. It happens every year is Mother's Day. Has it changed very much over the years. You said you were coming up on your third year anniversary of her loss of the loss of her has it changed very much since that first year because I've noticed that, it does change. We don't think it's ever going to change because we keep feeling like it's always going to feel this way or this bad.
But for those experiencing sort of the first year after a loss, what would you say? What's your experience?
Holly
Yeah, the the first year was just brutal. And I I should have known it was coming. But I didn't. And Mother's Day was always as a step mother, even though we have you know, pretty good family dynamics as a step mother Mother's Day is just awkward to begin with.
So I should have seen it common. coulda, shoulda, woulda all day long, right. But yeah, so I think part of that first year is that it hit hard. And it was kind of like it came out of nowhere. And it was a full week, that first year.
Wendy
Oh, wow. Like you woke up on the day.
Holly
And then the weekend it was, it was almost up until the day leading up to and then after like that Monday, I'm like, Okay, let's go back to normal. But, yeah, so it was almost a full week. And then this year was just one day.
Wendy
So it's, it changes, and it changes. We don't know how it's gonna change when you were in that first week. That was so hard. Did you ever imagine that? It would be some day just one day?
Holly
I don't know.
Wendy
Okay, that's fair. Yeah. Sometimes when we we've, I guess the thing I want to reinforce there is that we don't know. We don't know how we're gonna feel but okay, am I going to wake up to feed my family? Am I going to feel today? Am I going to feel this today? Some days we want to? And some days? We do not? We do not.
So tell me about your programming your community around cultivating gratitude. And because I'm imagining if 75% are, like the concept, totally not there. Right. This is about cultivation and practice.
Holly
Yeah. So I've got an amazing, amazing group coaching community. And they, the common theme that I see over and over again, is and again, if you don't have a health challenge, any challenge you can, you know, any challenge in life, you can relate to this. Yeah. But from a perspective of looking at, even just from a grief perspective, right.
And I'm not a grief counselor, but understanding that when we go through a change in life, I mean, you had a podcast episode on divorce and relationships, right? It It doesn't always have to be a death that you feel some of that grief process on your pan, you know, like losing my hair losing part of my breast.
You know, some of the health changes going on and then strained relationships and then you know, all of the things and then my former life, my job, right, like there's all these things that we don't look at is grief.
So that's that's one of not the first thing that's one of the first things I just wanted to make sure that I mentioned it, you know, specific to this podcast. Is that we need to honor that space, that whatever loss looks like, and for some people going gluten free, totally losing their favorite foods and like not ever being able to eat a normal piece of pizza again, you know, you know, that's a loss. It's not like a death loss, but it's still a loss, and to honor that space and to honor that grieving, whatever that looks like.
But, you know, it's interesting, you asked about kind of gratitude and not being in that place.So often to what I see is, and especially the women in my community, is that we've been beat up so much with, you know, the challenges, and it's the life challenges on top of the health challenges.
And at some point, the self esteem just hits rock bottom, you know, I was talking about the, the place that I was at, and then that self love hits rock bottom. And gratitude, I actually kind of jokingly refer it to the gate as the gateway drug. Because when No, but when you're in that place where you hate your body, when it's, it's, it's not, you know, it's it's fighting against you, and it's betrayed you. And you can't even begin to find that place of self love.
And, you know, and that's why I talk about gratitude being kind of a gateway drug. Okay, can you be grateful for being able to breathe? Yeah, I think I can, you know, can you be grateful for being able to smile? Yeah, I think I can. So we start with the little things. And we start with gratitude.
And we start with gratitude internally first, and then it's, it becomes that ripple effect. Because, you know, they talk about, you know, the old adage, you can't, you got to put the oxygen mask on first before you can put it on someone else, right, to fill your own cup first.
And to be able to start with gratitude. And then gratitude can lead to self love. And then self love can lead to love. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful, beautiful journey that my students are
Wendy
Awesome, awesome. And, if I'm hearing you correctly, it's also that you don't have to be grateful for this thing that you find painful, you can find gratitude in something else, someone else, anything else, and still feel a little bit better. Because when I'm getting from gratitude being a gateway drug is like, you start to just feel a little bit better.
And so when you're ready and willing to feel a little bit better, or to stop, when I was in some of my grief pieces, it was like I didn't know, I was out of ideas. Right? So I had to go and find some other tools, some other influences some other something because I was finally willing to feel a little bit lighter, a little bit better. And this sounds like one of those things where momentum can be built.
Holly
Absolutely. And it's a it's a muscle, I mean, gratitude. It's building a muscle just like doing push ups. And, you know, I don't know if it's easier than push ups or not.I still did a girly push ups.
But, um, but yeah, so and then it's scientifically proven that gratitude, as I say, builds fortitude. Like, it's not just a funny, slogan that I say, it's legitimately scientifically proven. Gratitude increases mental strength.
So when you build that gratitude muscle, you're also building your fortitude, muscle, your mental strength. And when you build those in combination with each other, you know, and that journey, I think, you know, it's not linear, it's ugly, it's messy. It's all over the place, right? But one day, you just wake up and you're like, huh, things just feel a little different today.
Wendy
Right? I wonder why that is. And we don't always have to know.
Holly
Yeah, actually, I've got a really funny story. But we have to use
Wendy
Yeah, let's go. Funny story. We have to
Holly
So yeah, so my I read triggers triggering but poor customer service like to me. I am usually pretty chill. But I've got red hair and a fiery temper sometimes and that customer poor customer service. Yeah, it's like exorcist Holly, right.
Holly
So we're there is it in person or on the phone?
Holly
It doesn't matter. Okay. So my husband and I, this was a few years ago, my husband and I are driving across country and we're actually driving back home. And so we're driving from Colorado to Virginia. And I called ahead we had been on the road since five that morning, we had been on the road, 12 hours. So it's crazy. So I call or I call ahead, I get on the app a call ahead. They're like, Okay, we have a room got the hotel. And we're in the middle of I think Kansas, we're in the middle of nowhere. There's nothing around.
So we get there. And it's six or seven o'clock at night. And we ended up waiting for about 10 minutes to actually get, because there's something ahead of us to get the room. And the manager was like, yeah, so your rooms not ready. It's going to be about another 20 minutes.
Yeah, so we find out that I guess the staff hada mutiny that day, and they all left. So at this point, the next hotel is an hour away. So driving is we're exhausted. And so I'm like, Okay, we'll just wait. He's like, I'll do my best. I'll do my best. So we get up to the room. And oh, it was the air conditioning, something was wrong with the air conditioning. So we get up to the room. It wasn't just the air conditioning wasn't working in the middle of summer on a 90 degree day. Okay. It was one of those, you know, when air conditioners leak, and it's carpet, it's like squish, squish, squish.
Wendy
Sadly I do. Yeah.
Holly
Yeah. Oh, so we walk into the room, and it was squish, squish. I don't even want to know, I think I held my breath the entire time. I don't even want to know the mold in that room. Right? I was I was just exhausted. So then we're looking for towels, there are no towels. So I'm like, Okay, let's go downstairs. See, maybe if they have another room, see if we can get some towels. So and my husband's like, this is gonna be fun, right? Because now we're already like multiple layers of bad customer service on top of each other. So he follows me he's like, this is gonna be fun. I am so I'm exhausted. I can't wait to see what comes out of her.
So we go down. And so the, the manager was like, I we all the towels are in the washer. I've got this wash cloth. That was all he had was a wash cloth. And can I just tell you, Wendy, I don't know how the words came out of my mouth. It wasn't like I had prepared anything. But you know what I said to him?
I said, Thank you. We're exhausted. We'll make it work. We just appreciate having a roof over our head. Have a great night. I hope your night gets better.
Oh, what's that? That's gratitude. That's totally a muscle working. That is a muscle. Right? And here's the thing, okay.
If I would have gone, you know, split pea soup, Exorcist, Holly, then I would have been upset, I would have been amped up trying to go to sleep, my husband would have been amped up. The poor manager doesn't need anyone else yelling at him that day, right? This was a gift. I was able to leave the world a better place that day. I left him in a better place. And then he had that that grace and that gratitude to be kind to the next person. That isn't the ripple effect of gratitude.
Wendy
Feels worth it. Yeah.
Holly
It's not an on off switch. It just happens.
Wendy
Oh, wow. Isn't that fun? It just happened. Holly, I am so glad that you shared these stories and your experience. And I really appreciate you being here so much.
Holly
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I just this has been such a great conversation.
Wendy
It's a really good conversation. Please let our people know know if you're driving, don't be trying to access where Holly's community is right now. You just, put a pin in it and you pull over. Pull over.
But Holly, where can people connect with you and find you and your community and your coaching?
Holly
Yes, absolutely. I've got a page just dedicated just for your listeners. And just for you. So if you go to pinkfortitude.com/hearthealingloss and It's all one word. Just like the podcast, that's pinkfortitude.com/hearthealingloss.
Wendy
Beautiful. Thank you for setting that up just for us. I appreciate that as well. And I appreciate you and your work.
Holly
So thank you, Wendy. Thank you for all the work that you do too. It's so beautiful, especially coming from that place of having that grief experience and just such a beautiful gift that you give to this world.
Wendy
Thank you. We go through a lot as humans. We do. Okay, thank you so much again, and until next time, and take really sweet care.
Hi, it's Wendy, thank you so much for listening. If something resonated or stuck out or sort of hummed with you in this episode and you want to either talk more about it, or have me talk more about it, let's schedule a connection call, it could be that you are ready to learn how to release emotional pain. This sounds great. It's great to do and it's great on the other side, regardless, you're invited.
So if you think it's time for a free 30 minute connection call, I would love to have that with you. Go to [email protected] to email and schedule or you can text or call 206-498-8025 and schedule it that way.
I would love to talk with you and I would love to listen to you too. Thank you and thanks for coming back for the next episode too.
