Episode 10: How the body holds grief... with Soma BodyWorker Chad Kelderman
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The body knows. The things you may have pushed from your consciousness, the things you've dampened down, the things you've ignored, sometimes for years or even decades -- the body has its own memory, and it doesn't forget.
In this episode of Heart Healing from Loss, Chad Kelderman of SOMA Bodywork talks with Grief Recovery expert Wendy Sloneker about how the body holds grief, even grief you may think you put behind you. We know that touch can release deep emotions: think of the power of a hug on a bad day, or a high five in celebration, a kiss, an arm around the shoulders. Now imagine the healing power of touch and manipulation by someone who understands that connection.
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You've got to meet Chad Kelderman... and you can!
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Do your joints burn? Is your chest tight? Do your neck and shoulders just ache? Of course there can be physical reasons for all these feelings, but discounting the emotional causes can mean locking yourself in for suffering physical and emotional pain longer than you should.
You are Invited:
Listen to the episode, then find relief with Chad Kelderman at SOMABodywork.net and Grief Recovery with Wendy Sloneker at HeartHealingFromLoss.com.
You are Invited:
Listen to the episode, then find relief with Chad Kelderman at SOMABodywork.net and Grief Recovery with Wendy Sloneker at HeartHealingFromLoss.com.
As seen on: |
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Full Episode Transcript
Wendy Sloneker:
Hi, Wendy, from the Heart Healing from Loss Podcast. Welcome back today. We're going to be talking about something that is fascinating, frankly, and it, it has to do with something that every single person has... a body.
We're going to be talking about the body and how grief gets stored or carried around or what can happen when grief and the body collide.
Click image for the main Podcast page & listen.
Now I'm not necessarily talking about the brain. We rely on the brain for a lot of good things, but where we're going is somewhere below the neck. Join me. Won't you?
I've brought Chad Kelderman on as our expert body worker. He's been working in SOMA bodywork techniques in massage, and he's going to be able to explain a lot better than I am, but he's the one that I knew I had to talk to about grief and the body. Chad! Welcome!
Chad Kelderman:
Thank you, Wendy.
Wendy:
I'm delighted that you are here. Now tell me a little bit, if you would, about some of body work and why it may be -- from your perspective-- a really good topic to talk about around grief.
Chad:
SOMA bodywork is in the category of what is called structural integration that came from Ida Rolf. There are many modalities under that umbrella. SOMA bodywork is, in all of its glory, Sora SOMA neuromuscular integration. It is an 11-session series that progressively works through the fascia in your body and unglues you or unsticks and realigns you into what your body knows. What it really wants to be. You can experience it as 11 sessions or you can get some "first aid" as I affectionately call it in all our a la carte of treatment sessions. So that's what it is. In a nutshell, I have worked with many, many people over the 20 years. I've been doing this with people who have been grieving about a number of things.
And I think how I would sum that up would be grief, in my own sort of personal experience of it over the years, is pretty intangible.
It's like this non-linear amorphous energy field that is just like knocked you upside the head when you least expect it. And it's really hard to pin down, I think, ultimately. But the body is something I could actually touch. It is scientifically proven that whatever trauma has not been completely processed gets stored in the body, in the connective tissue. So that's where I come in. I start to help unglue you (in the connective tissue) so you can continue to process it.
Wendy:
Awesome. And you do that with a physical manipulation, like, it involves a massage table?
Chad:
It involves a really gentle, genuine environment. And it's, it's a lot like getting on a table for a massage, but it's very different from a relaxation massage or a sports massage, if you will.
If you walk into my studio, it looks like a place where you might get a massage because more people know what that is.
But as far as the technique used, there's no like a massage involves a lot of rubbing and technical words in massage, but there's none of that in structural SOMA bodywork.
I am using my finger pads, my knuckles, my elbows, my forearms to slowly really sink into the plasticity of the connective tissue that holds it all together. And, unglue it. So it's a more slow, steady, sinking into the tissue rather than a rubbing.
Wendy:
Gotcha. Okay. That's helpful. So if we could sort of paint a little picture of... well, will you do a little picture painting scenario with me up, and then I'd love for you to just jump right in... sound good? All right.
So let's imagine that somebody has experienced a loss of a relationship. So somebody went through a breakup. This may have been a while ago, let's say it was five years ago. And since then, what else has happened is there's been a job change and a move... a geographic move.
Let's say they moved to a new city inside the same state. And they also bought a house and they left the place where they had been growing up. Now already, you may be sensing that there may be a couple of things going on that are pretty big.
These are large life experiences. Would you agree?
Chad:
I think you almost left nothing out. Yeah. That was almost all the big life experiences. Yeah.
Wendy:
Okay. So let's, let's also add that there, like a puppy came on the scene and so that's a joyful thing and, you know, 'cause good things do happen as well.
So, there's a, a little baby puppy running around and sleep may be ... affected... in a way or all the ways.
So where in this person's body, may they be feeling differences or some of that gumminess or stuckness that you were describing? Because let's agree to agree, that these could be considered losses or loss events, although there is some excitement to them and some joy to them as well.
Chad:
Absolutely. So, one of the great things about humanity and why we are still around this long is that we are brilliant adapters.
So, a person who has experienced all of the things you describe, in every single one of those bullet points, if you will, the body is recalibrating and trying to figure out how to keep moving forward.
And in process of that, there is perhaps mostly unconscious areas of bracing and holding and buckling down that are happening in the body. I would guess around the rib cage, around the waist, probably around the lateral hips and most certainly at the base of the skull and the upper trapezius muscles, just like I'm bracing, I'm going to keep going because this is part of my identity. And we have to keep going.
Wendy:
One thing: Where are the lateral hips?
Chad:
Oh, you know, find your waist and, and the lateral hips would be below that. So the top of your hip bones, and then often where low back pain shows up a lot of the time.
Wendy:
Gotcha.
When it comes to the body and feeling stuck, it's really just trying to protect ourselves.
Is this why?
If we have been through a lot --let's say 2020-- if we've been through a lot, we may be feeling tired or generally, or stiff and sore after. Yeah?
Chad:
I mean, especially I noticed that toward the end of 2020, especially ending up leading up to the election. Yeah. More and more people were coming in, anxious, angry, fearful, and a lot of shortening of it's like, if you, if you're a draw string and you're like cinching up the, the, the gunny sack, it's like that sort of around the rib cage and the neck and the hip. The shoulder girdle and the pelvic girdle kind of go hand in hand, they're very much interwoven. So a lot of tightness around those areas in the body, as a result of those emotions and mental states.
Wendy:
Mm. Yeah. So, I imagine with all this coming in, part of what you talk about a lot in your work that you do is about releasing. So what can release be like or look like?
I imagine a fair amount is definitely physical, but there's probably some emotional releases as well.
Chad:
Absolutely. I guess one of the things I would recommend to people who are experiencing some kind of loss, whatever that is, you know, from a death or from a loss of a relationship, or even from a loss of a long-term job, or fill-in-the-blank kind of loss, even if it's like coming to terms with a part of yourself that you're having to really let go of to become happier. There's a grief in that too.
One of the simplest things is your breath. Really slowing down to, to breathe and feel where your breath is touching you from the inside out where it's not touching you feeling into your volume.
I mean, Chinese medicine talks about grief is.... how is it in the lungs? One of the things I do, because it's a sense it's a feedback loop is, I'll suggest to people put your hands on your sternum and just kind of feel really, as you breathe, feel your sternum rise and fall.
I remember when I was working with someone, when I was going through an intense period of grief. And I got this very clear image of my entire body being wrapped into a tight gauze. Like, I could kind of see out of it through the mesh.
And all I wanted to do was to just like breathe big enough so that it would, I would start to hear the fabric of the gauze popping, you know, that's how, that's how constrained I was.
So it's like the more you can tune into the physical body and like even holding yourself and touching yourself while you're breathing, the more you can really simply just acknowledge that what you're feeling. Does that make sense?
Wendy:
It does. And it's about sort of being in touch with what else is going on in the body and not just what's going on up in the brain.
Chad:
And for some people who, particularly people who kind of get stuck in their heads. And I resemble that... I'm putting on something more right brain. Like put on some music that you really connect with and just breathe and begin to allow your body to move to the music and kind of explore where that's going and kind of give yourself permission before you start.
As in, "I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen, but I'm going to put this music on and I'm going to breathe and I'm going to allow my body to flow."
And you might end up going into a completely convulsive fit of tears or anger, or like, allow yourself to be that five-year-old boy or girl, and just like throw yourself under the bed and wail and scream. And, Oh my God, that can be the best thing in the world.
But because you're a grownup, you're given the message that that's just not okay. You should be over that. But I have to tell you that, on my table, over the years, I have contained and worked with some cathartic releases that were pretty darn powerful.
And afterwards, I remember one client, she said, I went to PCC, which is a co-op in town. And she said, I got the email a couple hours later. She goes, I have never seen the brightest colors in the produce department, the smells that were coming from the produce. I don't recall ever smelling produce like that.
Wendy:
Aw, Aw. Well, it sounds to me like, there's some, like when there's a release of that capacity, that there's more capacity. There's just more room inside. There's more noticing there's more... more good stuff can get in as well. Is that being your experience? That's been my personal experience.
Chad:
The more you release, then the more you're able to sort of take in from the world around you and feel more connected. And one with the relationships you're in and everything.
Wendy:
Right, right. So, what's interesting about your work and my work is that a lot of what can happen, physically, what I'm hearing and correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm not the expert on your work is that there's a lot that the body's carrying that the subconscious may be aware of. Would that be true?
Chad:
Absolutely. Many neuroscientists think that the connective tissue houses, the unconscious.
Wendy:
Wow. That's fascinating because in my work, it's more about what's getting noticed or what, noticing what we're bringing around. And so we do release work in a verbal way, but sometimes words are really hard to come up with, especially emotional words when we're talking about grief.
So, I'm envisioning that it could be an exciting thing to have body work at the same time as grief recovery.
Chad:
Right. Absolutely. Because I feel that a lot of times things get stirred up and we start to talk about things that happen in my work.
And then a person can then take that and go to someone like you and say, "This just got stirred up. I need some help figuring out where to take it, how to process it, contain it, whatever."
Right. I mean, I don't always have the time to fully help them process it in the course of a session.
Wendy:
Right. Right. And there may be more than one thing that comes up in a session.
Chad:
Exactly. I'm pushing a button, essentially. And then they're like, "Oh, hello, this just got turned back on."
And then I go, "Okay, go see Wendy now and talk it through or work it through."
Wendy:
Right. Okay.
So, Chad, tell me a little bit about like one of the common things that people are afraid of in terms of feeling their feelings.
And especially if they may feel like they're going to cry, well, they may be really concerned that once they start crying, they will not stop.
And so you having some years with people on the table, like emotional responses are going to happen on the daily. If you're pushing the buttons, something's probably going to happen.
You know, where those buttons are. So could you talk a little bit about setting expectations and... Is it normal?
Chad:
It's totally normal. And of course, as you can expect, there is a wide range of emotional reactions.
So on one end, someone will say to me, "Wow. I just got overcome with sadness suddenly." And they're not quite sure what to do with it. And I'll say something like, "All right, cool, breathe with it. You don't have to understand why your body's processing something right now. You don't necessarily have to go and try to figure out how to label it with your left brain. You just have to just, you know, trust that something is moving through you."
Now, they just got released to the point where I had someone today who has just come from a session where she had a coaching kind of session. Whereas she had realized that some big thing that she was having to let go of like some big thing, like her marriage and like, "Oh my God, everything."
"I thought my, what I thought was going to happen is just not going to happen. And I have to let that go because if I keep holding onto it, there will never be a space created for something new."
Right? So during our session, we were really working on where that was being... where she was feeling that in her body.
So then there's the other extreme of... I was working with a woman and I was working around her waist and sort of dropping into her deep abdominal muscles. And as she was talking, I was feeling I'm kind of tuned into trauma at this point. And I just said something I'm saying to myself, I'm feeling fear. I'm feeling something resisting. And I just asked, "Have you ever experienced any trauma in this part of your body?"
And she started to tell me about an abortion she had, and she never told anyone else... she only told her one other person about, but she had so much shame because of what her father would have done. It was around her father relationship.
And that, that saying that out loud, led her into this really convulsive, cathartic release, where like I could tell she had no control over the shaking and the tremors in her body.
And all I did was I just kept my hands on her body because this wasn't the first time this happened. And then just like, "this is okay, this is okay. This is how this is coming out of you right now."
And we just stayed with it and stayed with it and stayed with it and eventually calmed down. And she was able to find words. This took about 10 minutes. And she said, "You know, I said that to anybody else out loud, except for a good friend. And she was the person I referred to earlier about going to PCC later and suddenly she could smell. And her, her vision was different. Wow. Kind of a reset. Yeah. Yeah. Like something deep. Finally she had sat down like, "I've forgiven that part of me."
Wow. So it's someone like that who I would, I, you know, now 10 years later would say, "Okay, so this is something you really need to nourish, nurture and, and have someone to support you in that process. And that's where someone like you would come in."
Wendy:
Got it. Amazing. Well, and it's really just sort of like sharing a beautiful blend of the verbal and nonverbal or the conscious and unconscious coming into consciousness, right?
Like that's really just kind of a dance. And sometimes we just really have no control over how, how things get released or whether or not words will come it's okay.
Chad:
And I have to say that over the years, you know, and having experienced so much grief myself, you don't know how it's going to come out when it's going to hit you.
And it's often when the body gets for me anyway, when the body gets, manipulated in some way, whether it's someone working on me and the bodywork session, or whether it's an intense feeling of joy and laughter that then moves the body in a way that suddenly I'm now in crying now. But it is, it is often connected with some physical stimulation, some physical catalyst.
Wendy:
Do you think that ever happens with people who like have a different workout?
Chad:
Absolutely. Absolutely. I think when some, when somebody, especially, I know if someone who hadn't worked out for a long time and suddenly, and something happened in their life and they realize I need to start working out, I need to be healthy or I might die. And they just like bit off, more than they could chew actually. And they were like physically sick and nauseous and throwing up and like really processing something deep that they've been holding onto. And they were an addict. And, and so that level of a physical workout, um, really got to a level in their tissue where they were holding onto something and they didn't realize they didn't go into it thinking, I need to release that. Uh-hh, they were overtaken by it and then realized after the fact, "wow, I had that to release. I had no idea, you know."
Wendy:
Right, right. I mean, amazing... amazing unintentional and still a possibility.
Chad:
Right. Unintentional on a conscious level. I would say something inside of them was saying, I need to work out. I need to get healthier, you know, some energy, whatever we call it. And it was him giving them that impulse. But you know, the brain is always catching up to the body. Let's just face it. Right. You know?
Wendy:
Right. I was just reading something about how there are so many more messages go from the heart to the brain than the brain, to the heart that, you know, it's really an undiscussed area that I to study, but like yeah. And the body, I find, is going to win.
Speaker 2: (24:05)
There's this great book, which I'm sure you're aware of called The Body Keeps the Score and it's about trauma and heart and connecting with those things.
Wendy:
It's exactly what the title says. Yeah. Okay. So Chad, I would love to help our audience out with, you know, a couple of things that they can do if they feel like they have some brain fog or some grief, or they're just not feeling right, or, well, what can they do to take care of their bodies?
Either while they're waiting to get into work with you or another body worker or waiting to start their Grief Recovery Method learning.
Chad:
Yeah. I've mentioned already the simplest thing you can do. I mean, especially if you're continuing to have your life and your job and everything, and you don't have a lot of time, you know, five minutes of just sitting, closing your eyes, feeling your butt in the seat, or wherever you are... lying down on the floor, feeling the weight of your body on the floor and just breathing, feeling.
If you're lying on the floor, feeling the parts of your body that are touching the floor, where your breath is going in your body, just noticing... no judgment... just noticing and just being with all of those sensations, all of the energy that is coursing through you for like 5 minutes and, and because the practice of acknowledging that something is actually happening and where you are right now is a big part of grief and, and processing grief because it's really, we have an impulse which is pretty primal to keep going and to survive.
And I think, and we don't the brain doesn't differentiate between present time and past times of needing to survive.
So, when you're, when you're faced with something big, like grief, it's really important to allow yourself, to give yourself permission... to stop and feel.
And the very simplest thing you can hang on to is your breath.
I would say all of this, as I said, is, is to really connect with what's actually happening in your body. Just noticing, "Where am I holding tension? Where is the breath preventing me from, from expanding my ribs?"
You know, the shock and grief could really pull us into old stories about our lives.
When we, when we, when we experience intense grief, we often can regress into old behavior patterns or old physical movement patterns. It's all the same thing. And to really breathe is what's happening right now and, and touching your chest or touching, putting your hands on your cheeks, sometimes that for some people can be really comforting and help them feel I'm here right now. This is what's happening right now.
I think I mentioned before putting on music. Music can be something that, that can connect with something nonintellectual for lack of a better term, where you can really connect and flow into a rhythm that is primal. And especially if you pick music that you really dig and you really connect to that can get you out of it and really connect with a deeper energy where grief lives.
Wendy:
So, if they feel self-conscious about that, or if they don't have a lot of space... close the doors in the bathroom...
Chad:
Close the doors in the bathroom, you know, if you don't have a lot of time, you know, if you're in your cubicle at work and you get hit over the side of the head with like grief from a recent loss, you know, you just close your eyes, feel the chair under you take a good 8 breaths. And I would also suggest breathing on account, like breathe in for 8 counts and out for 8 counts.
That sounds simple, but it's not, if you're not used to breathe, we tend to breathe very shallowly. So if you have to breathe on a steady 8 count and exhale on a steady 8 count, and you do that 8 times, you'll be in a different state at the end of that.
Wendy:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
Chad:
And you can do that and you can look like you're looking at your computer
Wendy:
Totally well. And even like a small amount of time, if it's like a 30 seconds or a 2 minute song, like if it's the right song it's going to move you, you don't have to move to it necessarily.
Chad:
Right. And if you're in the bathroom and there's tile and it's cold sometimes like putting your face against the now it's, COVID so like sterilize it first, but wipe it down and then wipe yourself down. But I was like, put your hands on something cold, but your tech, some people really respond to different textures.
What if it's rough? What if it's sandpaper? What if it's, you know, bubbly? And plastic-y, what if it's smooth? What if it's leather? What if it's, you know, different? Disrupt your normal texture world and it's about disrupting your normal pattern to face what's actually happening.
Wendy:
Amazing, amazing. So how do I do it? I have a lot of rocks around and things that are handmade. So on my desk, I have this bunny that was knitted by a fantastic person. And so it's about the size of a very puffy business card. And I kind of squeeze it. I squeezed the bunny and then in a gentle way, and then I have some glass buttons on my desk because it all just, they have bumps on them because the glass has been dropped onto another bit of glass. So it's very nubby. And sometimes I just look at, you know, I looked for a pencil and I like press the pointy end. Cause it's pointy. It can be really simple. And it bears mentioning to gently just notice the pointy part.
Chad:
Because people do cut themselves. That's not what we're doing.
Wendy:
No, no. I'm just kinda like bouncing the pad of my fingertip on a pointy pencil or knitting needle or pen. Like it doesn't, it doesn't have to be pointy for you. It can be just a tip of an object.
Chad:
Explore different objects that are right with you... when you're quiet in your room and you're overwhelmed with a wave of grief, you know, is it maybe it's as simple as, you know, the cold cotton of your comforter or flipping the pillow over or, you know, grabbing the fuzzy, you know, I don't know the fuzzy, um, teddy bear that you've kept from your childhood and nuzzling your face into that.
Wendy:
Putting on socks, taking off socks. It can be just a change.
Chad:
I changed getting up from your computer, walking and looking at the thing out the window, the farthest thing you can see and, you know, let your eyes adjust to the farthest thing you can see and take it in and enjoy it.
Wendy:
Yeah. That's, that's a good one to breathe in, Chad. Oh, my total delight to have you on this episode. Thank you so much for sharing about your expertise of the body, the emotions, the subconscious, your work, especially as it pertains and revolves around grief. We've just sort of gotten started on a really great conversation that I would like to continue in another episode, won't you join me (again), please?
Chad:
The tip of the iceberg has happened.
Wendy:
Yeah! If folks are close to the Seattle area and feel like they would like to see you and get on your table, what exactly should they be doing?
Chad:
They can explore my website: somabodywork.net. They can call me and their contact information is on that website. What many people do is email me, which is also on the website, Chad@SOMA bodywork.net, usually because SOMA for most people anyway, is they have questions. There's usually an initial sort of either email exchange or phone conversation to deal with that.
Wendy:
Great. Take a look at some of Chad's videos on that website too. They may answer a couple of questions, but definitely don't be shy about reaching out. You can tell how friendly he is just from this episode.
Chad:
Oh, thank you.
Wendy:
Thank you so much for being with us.
Those links are going to be in the show notes. Don't you fret or worry when you are in a safe place and you're not driving and you're not working out. The link will be in the notes for you, dear listener. Thank you so much for joining and I'll be seeing you again....Well, talking to you anyway on Heart Healing From Loss. Thanks so much.
Hi, Wendy, from the Heart Healing from Loss Podcast. Welcome back today. We're going to be talking about something that is fascinating, frankly, and it, it has to do with something that every single person has... a body.
We're going to be talking about the body and how grief gets stored or carried around or what can happen when grief and the body collide.
Click image for the main Podcast page & listen.
Now I'm not necessarily talking about the brain. We rely on the brain for a lot of good things, but where we're going is somewhere below the neck. Join me. Won't you?
I've brought Chad Kelderman on as our expert body worker. He's been working in SOMA bodywork techniques in massage, and he's going to be able to explain a lot better than I am, but he's the one that I knew I had to talk to about grief and the body. Chad! Welcome!
Chad Kelderman:
Thank you, Wendy.
Wendy:
I'm delighted that you are here. Now tell me a little bit, if you would, about some of body work and why it may be -- from your perspective-- a really good topic to talk about around grief.
Chad:
SOMA bodywork is in the category of what is called structural integration that came from Ida Rolf. There are many modalities under that umbrella. SOMA bodywork is, in all of its glory, Sora SOMA neuromuscular integration. It is an 11-session series that progressively works through the fascia in your body and unglues you or unsticks and realigns you into what your body knows. What it really wants to be. You can experience it as 11 sessions or you can get some "first aid" as I affectionately call it in all our a la carte of treatment sessions. So that's what it is. In a nutshell, I have worked with many, many people over the 20 years. I've been doing this with people who have been grieving about a number of things.
And I think how I would sum that up would be grief, in my own sort of personal experience of it over the years, is pretty intangible.
It's like this non-linear amorphous energy field that is just like knocked you upside the head when you least expect it. And it's really hard to pin down, I think, ultimately. But the body is something I could actually touch. It is scientifically proven that whatever trauma has not been completely processed gets stored in the body, in the connective tissue. So that's where I come in. I start to help unglue you (in the connective tissue) so you can continue to process it.
Wendy:
Awesome. And you do that with a physical manipulation, like, it involves a massage table?
Chad:
It involves a really gentle, genuine environment. And it's, it's a lot like getting on a table for a massage, but it's very different from a relaxation massage or a sports massage, if you will.
If you walk into my studio, it looks like a place where you might get a massage because more people know what that is.
But as far as the technique used, there's no like a massage involves a lot of rubbing and technical words in massage, but there's none of that in structural SOMA bodywork.
I am using my finger pads, my knuckles, my elbows, my forearms to slowly really sink into the plasticity of the connective tissue that holds it all together. And, unglue it. So it's a more slow, steady, sinking into the tissue rather than a rubbing.
Wendy:
Gotcha. Okay. That's helpful. So if we could sort of paint a little picture of... well, will you do a little picture painting scenario with me up, and then I'd love for you to just jump right in... sound good? All right.
So let's imagine that somebody has experienced a loss of a relationship. So somebody went through a breakup. This may have been a while ago, let's say it was five years ago. And since then, what else has happened is there's been a job change and a move... a geographic move.
Let's say they moved to a new city inside the same state. And they also bought a house and they left the place where they had been growing up. Now already, you may be sensing that there may be a couple of things going on that are pretty big.
These are large life experiences. Would you agree?
Chad:
I think you almost left nothing out. Yeah. That was almost all the big life experiences. Yeah.
Wendy:
Okay. So let's, let's also add that there, like a puppy came on the scene and so that's a joyful thing and, you know, 'cause good things do happen as well.
So, there's a, a little baby puppy running around and sleep may be ... affected... in a way or all the ways.
So where in this person's body, may they be feeling differences or some of that gumminess or stuckness that you were describing? Because let's agree to agree, that these could be considered losses or loss events, although there is some excitement to them and some joy to them as well.
Chad:
Absolutely. So, one of the great things about humanity and why we are still around this long is that we are brilliant adapters.
So, a person who has experienced all of the things you describe, in every single one of those bullet points, if you will, the body is recalibrating and trying to figure out how to keep moving forward.
And in process of that, there is perhaps mostly unconscious areas of bracing and holding and buckling down that are happening in the body. I would guess around the rib cage, around the waist, probably around the lateral hips and most certainly at the base of the skull and the upper trapezius muscles, just like I'm bracing, I'm going to keep going because this is part of my identity. And we have to keep going.
Wendy:
One thing: Where are the lateral hips?
Chad:
Oh, you know, find your waist and, and the lateral hips would be below that. So the top of your hip bones, and then often where low back pain shows up a lot of the time.
Wendy:
Gotcha.
When it comes to the body and feeling stuck, it's really just trying to protect ourselves.
Is this why?
If we have been through a lot --let's say 2020-- if we've been through a lot, we may be feeling tired or generally, or stiff and sore after. Yeah?
Chad:
I mean, especially I noticed that toward the end of 2020, especially ending up leading up to the election. Yeah. More and more people were coming in, anxious, angry, fearful, and a lot of shortening of it's like, if you, if you're a draw string and you're like cinching up the, the, the gunny sack, it's like that sort of around the rib cage and the neck and the hip. The shoulder girdle and the pelvic girdle kind of go hand in hand, they're very much interwoven. So a lot of tightness around those areas in the body, as a result of those emotions and mental states.
Wendy:
Mm. Yeah. So, I imagine with all this coming in, part of what you talk about a lot in your work that you do is about releasing. So what can release be like or look like?
I imagine a fair amount is definitely physical, but there's probably some emotional releases as well.
Chad:
Absolutely. I guess one of the things I would recommend to people who are experiencing some kind of loss, whatever that is, you know, from a death or from a loss of a relationship, or even from a loss of a long-term job, or fill-in-the-blank kind of loss, even if it's like coming to terms with a part of yourself that you're having to really let go of to become happier. There's a grief in that too.
One of the simplest things is your breath. Really slowing down to, to breathe and feel where your breath is touching you from the inside out where it's not touching you feeling into your volume.
I mean, Chinese medicine talks about grief is.... how is it in the lungs? One of the things I do, because it's a sense it's a feedback loop is, I'll suggest to people put your hands on your sternum and just kind of feel really, as you breathe, feel your sternum rise and fall.
I remember when I was working with someone, when I was going through an intense period of grief. And I got this very clear image of my entire body being wrapped into a tight gauze. Like, I could kind of see out of it through the mesh.
And all I wanted to do was to just like breathe big enough so that it would, I would start to hear the fabric of the gauze popping, you know, that's how, that's how constrained I was.
So it's like the more you can tune into the physical body and like even holding yourself and touching yourself while you're breathing, the more you can really simply just acknowledge that what you're feeling. Does that make sense?
Wendy:
It does. And it's about sort of being in touch with what else is going on in the body and not just what's going on up in the brain.
Chad:
And for some people who, particularly people who kind of get stuck in their heads. And I resemble that... I'm putting on something more right brain. Like put on some music that you really connect with and just breathe and begin to allow your body to move to the music and kind of explore where that's going and kind of give yourself permission before you start.
As in, "I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen, but I'm going to put this music on and I'm going to breathe and I'm going to allow my body to flow."
And you might end up going into a completely convulsive fit of tears or anger, or like, allow yourself to be that five-year-old boy or girl, and just like throw yourself under the bed and wail and scream. And, Oh my God, that can be the best thing in the world.
But because you're a grownup, you're given the message that that's just not okay. You should be over that. But I have to tell you that, on my table, over the years, I have contained and worked with some cathartic releases that were pretty darn powerful.
And afterwards, I remember one client, she said, I went to PCC, which is a co-op in town. And she said, I got the email a couple hours later. She goes, I have never seen the brightest colors in the produce department, the smells that were coming from the produce. I don't recall ever smelling produce like that.
Wendy:
Aw, Aw. Well, it sounds to me like, there's some, like when there's a release of that capacity, that there's more capacity. There's just more room inside. There's more noticing there's more... more good stuff can get in as well. Is that being your experience? That's been my personal experience.
Chad:
The more you release, then the more you're able to sort of take in from the world around you and feel more connected. And one with the relationships you're in and everything.
Wendy:
Right, right. So, what's interesting about your work and my work is that a lot of what can happen, physically, what I'm hearing and correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm not the expert on your work is that there's a lot that the body's carrying that the subconscious may be aware of. Would that be true?
Chad:
Absolutely. Many neuroscientists think that the connective tissue houses, the unconscious.
Wendy:
Wow. That's fascinating because in my work, it's more about what's getting noticed or what, noticing what we're bringing around. And so we do release work in a verbal way, but sometimes words are really hard to come up with, especially emotional words when we're talking about grief.
So, I'm envisioning that it could be an exciting thing to have body work at the same time as grief recovery.
Chad:
Right. Absolutely. Because I feel that a lot of times things get stirred up and we start to talk about things that happen in my work.
And then a person can then take that and go to someone like you and say, "This just got stirred up. I need some help figuring out where to take it, how to process it, contain it, whatever."
Right. I mean, I don't always have the time to fully help them process it in the course of a session.
Wendy:
Right. Right. And there may be more than one thing that comes up in a session.
Chad:
Exactly. I'm pushing a button, essentially. And then they're like, "Oh, hello, this just got turned back on."
And then I go, "Okay, go see Wendy now and talk it through or work it through."
Wendy:
Right. Okay.
So, Chad, tell me a little bit about like one of the common things that people are afraid of in terms of feeling their feelings.
And especially if they may feel like they're going to cry, well, they may be really concerned that once they start crying, they will not stop.
And so you having some years with people on the table, like emotional responses are going to happen on the daily. If you're pushing the buttons, something's probably going to happen.
You know, where those buttons are. So could you talk a little bit about setting expectations and... Is it normal?
Chad:
It's totally normal. And of course, as you can expect, there is a wide range of emotional reactions.
So on one end, someone will say to me, "Wow. I just got overcome with sadness suddenly." And they're not quite sure what to do with it. And I'll say something like, "All right, cool, breathe with it. You don't have to understand why your body's processing something right now. You don't necessarily have to go and try to figure out how to label it with your left brain. You just have to just, you know, trust that something is moving through you."
Now, they just got released to the point where I had someone today who has just come from a session where she had a coaching kind of session. Whereas she had realized that some big thing that she was having to let go of like some big thing, like her marriage and like, "Oh my God, everything."
"I thought my, what I thought was going to happen is just not going to happen. And I have to let that go because if I keep holding onto it, there will never be a space created for something new."
Right? So during our session, we were really working on where that was being... where she was feeling that in her body.
So then there's the other extreme of... I was working with a woman and I was working around her waist and sort of dropping into her deep abdominal muscles. And as she was talking, I was feeling I'm kind of tuned into trauma at this point. And I just said something I'm saying to myself, I'm feeling fear. I'm feeling something resisting. And I just asked, "Have you ever experienced any trauma in this part of your body?"
And she started to tell me about an abortion she had, and she never told anyone else... she only told her one other person about, but she had so much shame because of what her father would have done. It was around her father relationship.
And that, that saying that out loud, led her into this really convulsive, cathartic release, where like I could tell she had no control over the shaking and the tremors in her body.
And all I did was I just kept my hands on her body because this wasn't the first time this happened. And then just like, "this is okay, this is okay. This is how this is coming out of you right now."
And we just stayed with it and stayed with it and stayed with it and eventually calmed down. And she was able to find words. This took about 10 minutes. And she said, "You know, I said that to anybody else out loud, except for a good friend. And she was the person I referred to earlier about going to PCC later and suddenly she could smell. And her, her vision was different. Wow. Kind of a reset. Yeah. Yeah. Like something deep. Finally she had sat down like, "I've forgiven that part of me."
Wow. So it's someone like that who I would, I, you know, now 10 years later would say, "Okay, so this is something you really need to nourish, nurture and, and have someone to support you in that process. And that's where someone like you would come in."
Wendy:
Got it. Amazing. Well, and it's really just sort of like sharing a beautiful blend of the verbal and nonverbal or the conscious and unconscious coming into consciousness, right?
Like that's really just kind of a dance. And sometimes we just really have no control over how, how things get released or whether or not words will come it's okay.
Chad:
And I have to say that over the years, you know, and having experienced so much grief myself, you don't know how it's going to come out when it's going to hit you.
And it's often when the body gets for me anyway, when the body gets, manipulated in some way, whether it's someone working on me and the bodywork session, or whether it's an intense feeling of joy and laughter that then moves the body in a way that suddenly I'm now in crying now. But it is, it is often connected with some physical stimulation, some physical catalyst.
Wendy:
Do you think that ever happens with people who like have a different workout?
Chad:
Absolutely. Absolutely. I think when some, when somebody, especially, I know if someone who hadn't worked out for a long time and suddenly, and something happened in their life and they realize I need to start working out, I need to be healthy or I might die. And they just like bit off, more than they could chew actually. And they were like physically sick and nauseous and throwing up and like really processing something deep that they've been holding onto. And they were an addict. And, and so that level of a physical workout, um, really got to a level in their tissue where they were holding onto something and they didn't realize they didn't go into it thinking, I need to release that. Uh-hh, they were overtaken by it and then realized after the fact, "wow, I had that to release. I had no idea, you know."
Wendy:
Right, right. I mean, amazing... amazing unintentional and still a possibility.
Chad:
Right. Unintentional on a conscious level. I would say something inside of them was saying, I need to work out. I need to get healthier, you know, some energy, whatever we call it. And it was him giving them that impulse. But you know, the brain is always catching up to the body. Let's just face it. Right. You know?
Wendy:
Right. I was just reading something about how there are so many more messages go from the heart to the brain than the brain, to the heart that, you know, it's really an undiscussed area that I to study, but like yeah. And the body, I find, is going to win.
Speaker 2: (24:05)
There's this great book, which I'm sure you're aware of called The Body Keeps the Score and it's about trauma and heart and connecting with those things.
Wendy:
It's exactly what the title says. Yeah. Okay. So Chad, I would love to help our audience out with, you know, a couple of things that they can do if they feel like they have some brain fog or some grief, or they're just not feeling right, or, well, what can they do to take care of their bodies?
Either while they're waiting to get into work with you or another body worker or waiting to start their Grief Recovery Method learning.
Chad:
Yeah. I've mentioned already the simplest thing you can do. I mean, especially if you're continuing to have your life and your job and everything, and you don't have a lot of time, you know, five minutes of just sitting, closing your eyes, feeling your butt in the seat, or wherever you are... lying down on the floor, feeling the weight of your body on the floor and just breathing, feeling.
If you're lying on the floor, feeling the parts of your body that are touching the floor, where your breath is going in your body, just noticing... no judgment... just noticing and just being with all of those sensations, all of the energy that is coursing through you for like 5 minutes and, and because the practice of acknowledging that something is actually happening and where you are right now is a big part of grief and, and processing grief because it's really, we have an impulse which is pretty primal to keep going and to survive.
And I think, and we don't the brain doesn't differentiate between present time and past times of needing to survive.
So, when you're, when you're faced with something big, like grief, it's really important to allow yourself, to give yourself permission... to stop and feel.
And the very simplest thing you can hang on to is your breath.
I would say all of this, as I said, is, is to really connect with what's actually happening in your body. Just noticing, "Where am I holding tension? Where is the breath preventing me from, from expanding my ribs?"
You know, the shock and grief could really pull us into old stories about our lives.
When we, when we, when we experience intense grief, we often can regress into old behavior patterns or old physical movement patterns. It's all the same thing. And to really breathe is what's happening right now and, and touching your chest or touching, putting your hands on your cheeks, sometimes that for some people can be really comforting and help them feel I'm here right now. This is what's happening right now.
I think I mentioned before putting on music. Music can be something that, that can connect with something nonintellectual for lack of a better term, where you can really connect and flow into a rhythm that is primal. And especially if you pick music that you really dig and you really connect to that can get you out of it and really connect with a deeper energy where grief lives.
Wendy:
So, if they feel self-conscious about that, or if they don't have a lot of space... close the doors in the bathroom...
Chad:
Close the doors in the bathroom, you know, if you don't have a lot of time, you know, if you're in your cubicle at work and you get hit over the side of the head with like grief from a recent loss, you know, you just close your eyes, feel the chair under you take a good 8 breaths. And I would also suggest breathing on account, like breathe in for 8 counts and out for 8 counts.
That sounds simple, but it's not, if you're not used to breathe, we tend to breathe very shallowly. So if you have to breathe on a steady 8 count and exhale on a steady 8 count, and you do that 8 times, you'll be in a different state at the end of that.
Wendy:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
Chad:
And you can do that and you can look like you're looking at your computer
Wendy:
Totally well. And even like a small amount of time, if it's like a 30 seconds or a 2 minute song, like if it's the right song it's going to move you, you don't have to move to it necessarily.
Chad:
Right. And if you're in the bathroom and there's tile and it's cold sometimes like putting your face against the now it's, COVID so like sterilize it first, but wipe it down and then wipe yourself down. But I was like, put your hands on something cold, but your tech, some people really respond to different textures.
What if it's rough? What if it's sandpaper? What if it's, you know, bubbly? And plastic-y, what if it's smooth? What if it's leather? What if it's, you know, different? Disrupt your normal texture world and it's about disrupting your normal pattern to face what's actually happening.
Wendy:
Amazing, amazing. So how do I do it? I have a lot of rocks around and things that are handmade. So on my desk, I have this bunny that was knitted by a fantastic person. And so it's about the size of a very puffy business card. And I kind of squeeze it. I squeezed the bunny and then in a gentle way, and then I have some glass buttons on my desk because it all just, they have bumps on them because the glass has been dropped onto another bit of glass. So it's very nubby. And sometimes I just look at, you know, I looked for a pencil and I like press the pointy end. Cause it's pointy. It can be really simple. And it bears mentioning to gently just notice the pointy part.
Chad:
Because people do cut themselves. That's not what we're doing.
Wendy:
No, no. I'm just kinda like bouncing the pad of my fingertip on a pointy pencil or knitting needle or pen. Like it doesn't, it doesn't have to be pointy for you. It can be just a tip of an object.
Chad:
Explore different objects that are right with you... when you're quiet in your room and you're overwhelmed with a wave of grief, you know, is it maybe it's as simple as, you know, the cold cotton of your comforter or flipping the pillow over or, you know, grabbing the fuzzy, you know, I don't know the fuzzy, um, teddy bear that you've kept from your childhood and nuzzling your face into that.
Wendy:
Putting on socks, taking off socks. It can be just a change.
Chad:
I changed getting up from your computer, walking and looking at the thing out the window, the farthest thing you can see and, you know, let your eyes adjust to the farthest thing you can see and take it in and enjoy it.
Wendy:
Yeah. That's, that's a good one to breathe in, Chad. Oh, my total delight to have you on this episode. Thank you so much for sharing about your expertise of the body, the emotions, the subconscious, your work, especially as it pertains and revolves around grief. We've just sort of gotten started on a really great conversation that I would like to continue in another episode, won't you join me (again), please?
Chad:
The tip of the iceberg has happened.
Wendy:
Yeah! If folks are close to the Seattle area and feel like they would like to see you and get on your table, what exactly should they be doing?
Chad:
They can explore my website: somabodywork.net. They can call me and their contact information is on that website. What many people do is email me, which is also on the website, Chad@SOMA bodywork.net, usually because SOMA for most people anyway, is they have questions. There's usually an initial sort of either email exchange or phone conversation to deal with that.
Wendy:
Great. Take a look at some of Chad's videos on that website too. They may answer a couple of questions, but definitely don't be shy about reaching out. You can tell how friendly he is just from this episode.
Chad:
Oh, thank you.
Wendy:
Thank you so much for being with us.
Those links are going to be in the show notes. Don't you fret or worry when you are in a safe place and you're not driving and you're not working out. The link will be in the notes for you, dear listener. Thank you so much for joining and I'll be seeing you again....Well, talking to you anyway on Heart Healing From Loss. Thanks so much.
